There were so many gifts & graces from Mom to me. I like to think that one she got from me was the idea of only addressing issues when they're active, not long after they come up.
Mom had this interesting tendency of bringing up hot button topics well after a situation had passed. Days & weeks. Or even longer, as part of another discussion.
Made a lot of sense, if the point was to keep things calm, non-contentious. The same reason she'd bury super sensitive information in the middle of a sunny, social note. The woman loathed confrontation.
This whole "only bring up issues when they're active" approach radically changed her world. It was fascinating in ways I never could have imagined, experiencing her give the idea value, then try to live it. Her progress was illuminating.
It wasn't easy. It meant that Mom had to be aware of how she was feeling, when & while she was actually feeling it. That was a whole new, funky foreign idea for her. She was used to feeling afterward, when it was safe. But she stuck with it.
First, she had to feel within an active moment. Then, she had to understand how she was holding those feelings. She had to let whatever feelings come up that wanted to, come up THEN, not later. For which, I am proud to say, Mom was totally game. In her late 80s & willing to upset the apple cart of her tried & true traits. Epic!
It took a stunningly short time to register with Mom that this new way of experiencing was way less draining than the old. She only had to notice & address - or not - stuff as it was happening. Wow! If she didn't notice, or noticed & didn't address, she didn't need to lug it around with her. Liberation!
Mind you, it didn't happen overnight & parts of it probably always remained a challenge. This was a woman who'd survived by NOT noticing, who'd never felt she had the right to have her own issues that deserved airing, who did everything possible to stay emotionally safe.
Smiling, remembering how she learned to write letters that started out setting up an important share, instead of burying it in the heart of fluff!
Oh, rats - am now in tears, remembering how happily Mom embraced the idea of doing something absolutely outside of her nature & nurture. Well, maybe not so outside her nature as I thought.
Am thinking about all of this today, sitting here trying to figure out an ancient family issue that's suddenly active. My oldest brother is in the hospital down in Philadelphia. I am outside of the information chain, not by choice. Do I make a stink & find out what's happening, or do I respect what seems to be the dynamic the family finds works for them? It's not like I'm someone Peter feels close to - he is as close as works for him & when it doesn't, we aren't.
Finding myself mentally fixing a cup of hot tea, setting out some Girls Scout shortbread cookies, settling in at a table that for decades & decades was our roosting place (it's now out on the back porch), having a heartfelt mother/daughter, friend-to-friend talk with Mom about best next steps.
Maybe doing nothing is the right answer. Let people approach me, rather than bust in on them. Give them their space, even if it feels like I'm being a lousy sister.
An ancient family issue is suddenly active. This is what I talked to Mom about, all those years ago - a great opportunity to do things differently, hopefully better. If only I knew what that is.
Credits
tiffany.com
psychologia.com
mindingmynest.com
natureandnurture-ici.org
groupon.com
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