It's not like me to be restless. And I am, massively so.
Perhaps it has to do with figuring out that I'm starting to actually figure things out. Not easy, challenged, life habits that support my whatever self don't exist yet. Am feeling fragmented, cusp of aligned, awake, dense & a zillion other fairly contradictory things.
I want to be the Real Deal Deev right now, and I know it doesn't work that way. Just not sure what way it does.
The challenge is to feel infused with inspiration AND willing eager open to doing all the grunt work. Mentors who are willing to give time & attention & belief are invited to join in the adventure. One quest is over, a new one - another level up - has begun!
Monday, March 31, 2014
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Needling myself
It gives me absolute goosebumps to look over my life, from my earliest days, and see how all the threads of everything that came before have woven themselves into my current tapestry.
Have been thinking, as I've written on this blog, that the threads have been like yarn or another fiber that knits together to form whole cloth. Setting out to write a posting on elder care anarchy, came to see it differently. The opening paragraph is more accurate - there's always been a foundational, unchanging fabric receiving the threads, not knit together by played out on an inherent welcoming surface.
I have to confess to some disappointment. Skeins of embroidery floss - however beautiful - don't have the same satisfaction as yarn, which offers a broad range of textures, too. But just can't shake liking the imagery of a tapestry rather than simply whole cloth.
And here's a challenge for me, as I become more expert - to make the back as beautiful as the front, rather than a mass of knots & loose threads.
Pondering this new imagery - the picture changes, but the cloth remains the same. Of course, as years go by & it's been worked & reworked into new tapestries, it will become more fragile, needing more delicate care.
What does all of that mean? Haven't a clue. Could be gibberish - just what came out, totally unrelated to my intended topic, but flowing out on its own. And I've learned to never discount such detours.
.
Have been thinking, as I've written on this blog, that the threads have been like yarn or another fiber that knits together to form whole cloth. Setting out to write a posting on elder care anarchy, came to see it differently. The opening paragraph is more accurate - there's always been a foundational, unchanging fabric receiving the threads, not knit together by played out on an inherent welcoming surface.
I have to confess to some disappointment. Skeins of embroidery floss - however beautiful - don't have the same satisfaction as yarn, which offers a broad range of textures, too. But just can't shake liking the imagery of a tapestry rather than simply whole cloth.
And here's a challenge for me, as I become more expert - to make the back as beautiful as the front, rather than a mass of knots & loose threads.
Pondering this new imagery - the picture changes, but the cloth remains the same. Of course, as years go by & it's been worked & reworked into new tapestries, it will become more fragile, needing more delicate care.
What does all of that mean? Haven't a clue. Could be gibberish - just what came out, totally unrelated to my intended topic, but flowing out on its own. And I've learned to never discount such detours.
.
Friday, March 28, 2014
one LARGE step for ME!
Ahhhh... The sweet sense of bliss, responding to a situation that would - just the shortest of whiles ago - driven me dotty
Rennie was nipping me. He does that when he's hungry. The clock said a ridiculously early hour. I tried to make the best of it. He'd occasionally stretch his back against mine - often a sign he's going to lapse into a nice long snooze - but then he'd be prowling again (and nipping again).
When he persisted, I took my chance & made to lay hold on him. Rennie leapt down to the floor, but I managed to get a grip on lovely medium long red hair. Not a firm hold, but at least a grip. And asked John, with a sense of urgency in my voice & words, to please haul the lad outside the bedroom.
John heaved himself out of bed, paused a few moments, then came around the bed & scooped up the erring kitty.
Curious, I hitched myself up on my right elbow to get a better view of him marching Rennie to the door. My suspicions were confirmed.
While I was doing my best to hold onto a squirming cat who nips me - often hard - but never John, my husband had taken the time to first put on his slippers. As he explained, he'd stop by the bathroom after showing Rennie the door.
So much for my conveying a sense of urgency.
It was an action that would, perhaps as recently as a week ago, have pushed me into hurt abandonment heartbreak, hitting a slew of ancient hot buttons. But this time, instead of feeling ripped up inside (way out of proportion to the situation), I responded with... a rather sweet sense of humor, an unexpected experience of the absurd.
John, it seems, will always pause to first pay attention to whatever is on his mind rather than in my voice.
And I - wonder of wonders - had responded with an equanimity that saw the joke of the moment rather then dredging up horrors from a far distant past. In other words, I gave the situation the response it deserved. Praise be & hallelujah!
Yes, I did get up. Going back to sleep - well, it wasn't going to happen. And that was okay.
What was John's response when he heard me tut tut him over his priorities, when I told him, "That tears it for sleep for me"??
All he said, from the bathroom, was simply, "I'm sorry." Just two words.
Ah - but the right two words. Two words that made me smile & appreciate the fact that he REMEMBERED they're the only words he has to say in such a situation. Not any explanation of WHY he took the time to put on his slippers before showing Rennie the door, just that he was sorry for the pause.
Mega steps forward for both of us. I do so love perspective gained from years of responding in an unproductive way that lead only to churned up emotions. And, something I didn't expect when I walked downstairs, wide awake - my husband apparently has the same fresh learned perspective. But I am wide awake no longer - back to bed to snug up to my Keet & reinforce that we both hit the right response on the head.
Maturity - hard won at any age - is bliss.
Rennie was nipping me. He does that when he's hungry. The clock said a ridiculously early hour. I tried to make the best of it. He'd occasionally stretch his back against mine - often a sign he's going to lapse into a nice long snooze - but then he'd be prowling again (and nipping again).
When he persisted, I took my chance & made to lay hold on him. Rennie leapt down to the floor, but I managed to get a grip on lovely medium long red hair. Not a firm hold, but at least a grip. And asked John, with a sense of urgency in my voice & words, to please haul the lad outside the bedroom.
John heaved himself out of bed, paused a few moments, then came around the bed & scooped up the erring kitty.
Curious, I hitched myself up on my right elbow to get a better view of him marching Rennie to the door. My suspicions were confirmed.
While I was doing my best to hold onto a squirming cat who nips me - often hard - but never John, my husband had taken the time to first put on his slippers. As he explained, he'd stop by the bathroom after showing Rennie the door.
So much for my conveying a sense of urgency.
It was an action that would, perhaps as recently as a week ago, have pushed me into hurt abandonment heartbreak, hitting a slew of ancient hot buttons. But this time, instead of feeling ripped up inside (way out of proportion to the situation), I responded with... a rather sweet sense of humor, an unexpected experience of the absurd.
John, it seems, will always pause to first pay attention to whatever is on his mind rather than in my voice.
And I - wonder of wonders - had responded with an equanimity that saw the joke of the moment rather then dredging up horrors from a far distant past. In other words, I gave the situation the response it deserved. Praise be & hallelujah!
Yes, I did get up. Going back to sleep - well, it wasn't going to happen. And that was okay.
What was John's response when he heard me tut tut him over his priorities, when I told him, "That tears it for sleep for me"??
All he said, from the bathroom, was simply, "I'm sorry." Just two words.
Ah - but the right two words. Two words that made me smile & appreciate the fact that he REMEMBERED they're the only words he has to say in such a situation. Not any explanation of WHY he took the time to put on his slippers before showing Rennie the door, just that he was sorry for the pause.
Mega steps forward for both of us. I do so love perspective gained from years of responding in an unproductive way that lead only to churned up emotions. And, something I didn't expect when I walked downstairs, wide awake - my husband apparently has the same fresh learned perspective. But I am wide awake no longer - back to bed to snug up to my Keet & reinforce that we both hit the right response on the head.
Maturity - hard won at any age - is bliss.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Peace with Family (from older2elder)
Am linking a post from my older2elder blog, all about reweaving frayed ends into strong cloth.
It's the rare person who doesn't have at least a few frayed ends dangling from family issues. It's been my joy to discover that the older I get, the better able I am to gain a better perspective, to stay focused on the wonders rather than the perceived wounds experienced through my massively fascinating sibs.
How I love aging (hopefully saging)!!
It's the rare person who doesn't have at least a few frayed ends dangling from family issues. It's been my joy to discover that the older I get, the better able I am to gain a better perspective, to stay focused on the wonders rather than the perceived wounds experienced through my massively fascinating sibs.
How I love aging (hopefully saging)!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
FWP
The most immediate way to demonstrate my willingness to make healthy order out of the tangled circuitry that's my present mind is to step away from engaging with FWP - first world problems. And what could be more FWP than American politics & governance?
anomaly ~or~ catalyst?
Which will it be?
When I die, will I leave a legacy as an interesting anomaly who had a rare talent for engaging empowering energizing a few older friends? Or will I be remembered as a catalyst for an overhauled expectation & experience of aging?
It was possible to get to the place that I am, making a significant difference for a smattering of grannie clients, on my own. Doing more - becoming the elder care anarchist it feels in ever fiber of my being is my truest calling & purpose - will require the help & support of many. Will I find the courage to ask?
Anomaly or catalyst - which will it be?
When I die, will I leave a legacy as an interesting anomaly who had a rare talent for engaging empowering energizing a few older friends? Or will I be remembered as a catalyst for an overhauled expectation & experience of aging?
It was possible to get to the place that I am, making a significant difference for a smattering of grannie clients, on my own. Doing more - becoming the elder care anarchist it feels in ever fiber of my being is my truest calling & purpose - will require the help & support of many. Will I find the courage to ask?
Anomaly or catalyst - which will it be?
But now I see
Amazing grace - it's bestowed for strangely capricious, unknowable reasons. A wretched slave ship captain has a wondrous spiritual revelation, but someone who works in God's service might never feel touched by a similar AH HA! It seems to me that spiritual grace is like living a life that "leads to heaven" - it really doesn't matter if you're suddenly receptive to a state of grace or if heaven truly exists, because it's living the life that matters.
Has the string of amazing experiences touching my life since January - insightful awareness after insightful awareness - been grace or finally unfolding answers long sought? Does it matter? I think not. The fact is that once I was blind, but now I see.
John Newton, who wrote Amazing Grace, is a terrific role model & inspiration. His early life sounds like it came out of a lurid novel, filled with black deeds & misadventures. Yet, all those things, those wretched moments that came before, are essential parts of the guiding light he became.
Newton's great moment of grace occurred during violent storm that threatened doom to his vessel. His skills, the sturdy ship, the able crew - nothing mattered as they were tossed about in the great crests & troughs of ocean. In that experience of utter helplessness, he was delivered directly into the sacred. Many who get a similar glimpse of utter enlightenment are lured back to the familiar; for Newton, it marked the rest of his life, a life he believed started on the day of his AH HA. To the end of his days, he recognized & held onto what mattered to him & let go of what did not.
Newton didn't just gain spiritual sight, he put it to use, righting a dissolute life. He was self-educated, overcame rejection to become an Anglican minister, wrote remarkable songs (he also penned Glorious Things of Thee Are Spoken), and was an inspirational force behind the abolition movement in England. He didn't simply receive God's grace - he acted on it throughout the rest of his life, even after he turned blind (what irony).
I once was lost, but now I'm found...
Has the string of amazing experiences touching my life since January - insightful awareness after insightful awareness - been grace or finally unfolding answers long sought? Does it matter? I think not. The fact is that once I was blind, but now I see.
John Newton, who wrote Amazing Grace, is a terrific role model & inspiration. His early life sounds like it came out of a lurid novel, filled with black deeds & misadventures. Yet, all those things, those wretched moments that came before, are essential parts of the guiding light he became.
Newton's great moment of grace occurred during violent storm that threatened doom to his vessel. His skills, the sturdy ship, the able crew - nothing mattered as they were tossed about in the great crests & troughs of ocean. In that experience of utter helplessness, he was delivered directly into the sacred. Many who get a similar glimpse of utter enlightenment are lured back to the familiar; for Newton, it marked the rest of his life, a life he believed started on the day of his AH HA. To the end of his days, he recognized & held onto what mattered to him & let go of what did not.
Newton didn't just gain spiritual sight, he put it to use, righting a dissolute life. He was self-educated, overcame rejection to become an Anglican minister, wrote remarkable songs (he also penned Glorious Things of Thee Are Spoken), and was an inspirational force behind the abolition movement in England. He didn't simply receive God's grace - he acted on it throughout the rest of his life, even after he turned blind (what irony).
I once was lost, but now I'm found...
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Topsy Turvy
For most of my life - child, teen, young adult, adult - my life was basically topsy turvy. Maybe not for the rest of my family, but it was for me. Topsy turvy was my norm, so much so that I had absolutely no idea how abnormal it was.
At this present moment, it's still topsy turvy. And the totally cool thing is that, by staying in THIS present moment, it's timeless time set it right. Maybe not for the rest of my family - and they do still loom large in my life & always will, even if at a distance - but for me.
The words you're looking for are, "Praise be & hallelujah!"
At this present moment, it's still topsy turvy. And the totally cool thing is that, by staying in THIS present moment, it's timeless time set it right. Maybe not for the rest of my family - and they do still loom large in my life & always will, even if at a distance - but for me.
The words you're looking for are, "Praise be & hallelujah!"
Check, please
Do I act with compassion? CHECK!
...Focus on how all sentient beings interwine with each other & the environment? CHECK!
...Seek harmony within all relationships, including with non-humans & non-sentient? CHECK!
...Relieve sufferings & impart joy with all beings ("all" means ALL) CHECK!
...Contribute to the welfare of my family, community, nation, universe? CHECK!
...Embrace Ahimsa? CHECK!
...Act for world peace? CHECK!
...Support rights for all living beings & things? CHECK!
...Consider myself a global citizen, with all the rights & privileges that brings? CHECK!
Glory be! Turns out I'm a humanistic Buddhist. Who knew?
...Focus on how all sentient beings interwine with each other & the environment? CHECK!
...Seek harmony within all relationships, including with non-humans & non-sentient? CHECK!
...Relieve sufferings & impart joy with all beings ("all" means ALL) CHECK!
...Contribute to the welfare of my family, community, nation, universe? CHECK!
...Embrace Ahimsa? CHECK!
...Act for world peace? CHECK!
...Support rights for all living beings & things? CHECK!
...Consider myself a global citizen, with all the rights & privileges that brings? CHECK!
Glory be! Turns out I'm a humanistic Buddhist. Who knew?
Ping v. Pang
For perhaps the first time, I just experienced a ping of emotion rather than a pang of pain as a "might have been" of my relationship with Mim arose in my heart & zoomed to my brain.
Realized over the past 12 or so hours that you rewire tangled brain circuits through breath, not data. Might have - might have - learned it years ago from Mim, who practiced qigong years ago & i reckon still does.
A ping rather than a pang. BIG step!
Realized over the past 12 or so hours that you rewire tangled brain circuits through breath, not data. Might have - might have - learned it years ago from Mim, who practiced qigong years ago & i reckon still does.
A ping rather than a pang. BIG step!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Funny...
...I was sure there was a posting about living at the top of your intelligence, but am not finding it.
After hearing Lance's presentation tonight on digital art & reading his Fuddhist website, it keeps coming to mind. No idea why - he didn't talk about it, there's not any mention of it on the website. But there it is, playing peek a boo with my thoughts.
It doesn't even have anything to do with humanistic Buddhism, a term I was introduced to through Lance's website, but a concept dear to my hear for many eons. Unnamed, but present.
Checked out humanistic Buddhism. Seems that the inherent dignity of human beings is a core value. Ditto the aspiration to help others live a life free of suffering. That's all I've read, so far. And both resonate.
For all of my earlier life, a lot of people were put off by my niceness, a quality they held suspect. They were uneasy that all I needed to like someone was that they existed. And they kept looking for a hidden agenda when I gave help when needed without expecting praise or brownie points. My motives were questioned, my sincerity doubted, my reasons distrusted. It was frustrating, because I could never exactly explain it. Until this past January, when all was revealed - it's a joy to lend a hand to people who need it because in that I see the beauty of life.
What that has to do with living at the top of my intelligence is beyond me.
Unless, maybe - when I am making a difference for others, helping get rid of obstacles getting in the way of being their best selves - perhaps that IS me living at the top of my intelligence.
After hearing Lance's presentation tonight on digital art & reading his Fuddhist website, it keeps coming to mind. No idea why - he didn't talk about it, there's not any mention of it on the website. But there it is, playing peek a boo with my thoughts.
It doesn't even have anything to do with humanistic Buddhism, a term I was introduced to through Lance's website, but a concept dear to my hear for many eons. Unnamed, but present.
Checked out humanistic Buddhism. Seems that the inherent dignity of human beings is a core value. Ditto the aspiration to help others live a life free of suffering. That's all I've read, so far. And both resonate.
For all of my earlier life, a lot of people were put off by my niceness, a quality they held suspect. They were uneasy that all I needed to like someone was that they existed. And they kept looking for a hidden agenda when I gave help when needed without expecting praise or brownie points. My motives were questioned, my sincerity doubted, my reasons distrusted. It was frustrating, because I could never exactly explain it. Until this past January, when all was revealed - it's a joy to lend a hand to people who need it because in that I see the beauty of life.
What that has to do with living at the top of my intelligence is beyond me.
Unless, maybe - when I am making a difference for others, helping get rid of obstacles getting in the way of being their best selves - perhaps that IS me living at the top of my intelligence.
NOT what I expected
Thought I was going to the college to hear Lance Pendleton, Apple expert, talk about digital art. What I found was far more.
Here is part of the blurb from his website, Fuddhist - I call my new self a Fuddhist. I have four basic practices: eat well, breathe, listen and grow with the world. I am working to live in the present rather than projecting my consciousness forward into possible outcomes or backward into earlier failures. What surrounds us may be chaotic and noisy, but our health can be as simple as being present and awake.
Wow...
Here is part of the blurb from his website, Fuddhist - I call my new self a Fuddhist. I have four basic practices: eat well, breathe, listen and grow with the world. I am working to live in the present rather than projecting my consciousness forward into possible outcomes or backward into earlier failures. What surrounds us may be chaotic and noisy, but our health can be as simple as being present and awake.
Wow...
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Most important, least recognized
French philosopher, Simone Weil, is famously quoted as stating, "To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul."
It is virtually impossible to explain to someone with even the shallowest of roots the feeling of being rootless. And it is easy for those without much of a root system to feel forlorn & stunted. But the years continue to show me that there is hope, even for those who feel rootless - as long as they take matters into their own hands.
Let's say a gardener has a plant that's stunted, fading away. She tests the ground - is it toxic, too shaded or too sunny, too wet or too dry - and looks around for a more hospitable environment. Perhaps all it needs is a tweak to the soil, as simple as working in some nitrogen or other nutrients. Or moving it to another, more welcoming part of the garden. But if the gardener wants the plant to set down healthy roots, adjustments must be made.
Making adjustments to our emotional soil can be soul wrenching. How much easier to bend our attention to others who seemingly flourish without apparent effort, blooming where they were planted with a seemingly minimum of fuss & bother.
Such species are rare.
Beautiful gardens - particularly ones that look as if their glory happened without a skilled hand & countless hours of tender care - are the result of untold hours of careful planning, knowledge of soil types, and maintenance. The more effortless they look, the more effort we can assume goes into them.
It's tempting to look at another person's garden - or life - and think, "If only I had their soil, their seeds, their skill with bringing things to fruition... Then, my roots would go deep into the soil, then my experiences would produce abundance. If only..." Go that route, and your roots will never reach deep into the soil.
Some years back, I enthusiastically got involved in an event connected to our local high school. Every Wednesday, women gathered at the girls dorm with snacks & banter & some sense of far away friends & family. It meant a lot to me. But I never felt like I fit in, because I didn't - much as I cared, I was not a Mom or even an experienced auntie.
Some years back, I joined a terrific community-oriented, hands-on women's group that seemed tailor-made for my interests. It meant a lot to me. But I never felt like I fit in - not sharing enough their other interests, I never felt a shared a sense of place with the rest of the members.
It took something similar happening a couple years back to realize where I was messing up. A stimulating group - all good acquaintances of mine - gathers virtually every day at our local cafe, bantering back & forth, sharing life moments triumphs challenges. Wonderful - but not for me. I love their camaraderie. What gives them ease makes me tense up. Hoping to turn that around, but for now - not me. And that, for the first time, was fully okay with me. They are still people I care about & for & enjoy, but their place is not mine.
One very big reason why I never felt like I'd set down significant, even shallow, roots was because I kept putting myself in places where I just didn't flourish. Each of those opportunities were wonderful, but they weren't really me. What an eye opener.
For as far back as memory takes me, I've savor people who seem blessed with a rooted life. Whether it's spotting a friend-ringed table at the local cafe or a multi-generation group at a holiday church service or a circle of bosom buddies deep in conversation at the local college, the sight always makes me smile.
It was only since the early part of this year that it fully dawned that my enjoyment is pure genuine pleasure, without a shred of "Why can't that be me?" For a couple years, have been consciously working on NOT putting myself into situations which don't resonate with what matters to me. That meant first figuring out what does matter to me. It meant figuring out where I flourish, which nutrients work best for me. No longer a vagabond seed that drops wherever, but a seedling transplanted into welcoming soil & favorable conditions.
Now, I look down & - glory be! My roots DO go deep! And I've gained enough perspective to see that I've been working way longer than realized to make it so. Long before John, I experimented with new locations, different nutrients, less or more water, less or more sun.
Yes, it took adding a vital nutrient - John, another relatively rootless soul - to find what seems like my ideal spot, but my roots reached down long before. My error was in mistaking lack of a wild riot of bloom for evidence that I lacked even shallow roots.
My roots go deep. In some ways, they always have. And FINALLY recognizing that helps me accept that the primary need of my soul has been met. For that, I thank my Gardener, whose loving Hand & tender Care nurtures my soil.
It is virtually impossible to explain to someone with even the shallowest of roots the feeling of being rootless. And it is easy for those without much of a root system to feel forlorn & stunted. But the years continue to show me that there is hope, even for those who feel rootless - as long as they take matters into their own hands.
Let's say a gardener has a plant that's stunted, fading away. She tests the ground - is it toxic, too shaded or too sunny, too wet or too dry - and looks around for a more hospitable environment. Perhaps all it needs is a tweak to the soil, as simple as working in some nitrogen or other nutrients. Or moving it to another, more welcoming part of the garden. But if the gardener wants the plant to set down healthy roots, adjustments must be made.
Making adjustments to our emotional soil can be soul wrenching. How much easier to bend our attention to others who seemingly flourish without apparent effort, blooming where they were planted with a seemingly minimum of fuss & bother.
Such species are rare.
Beautiful gardens - particularly ones that look as if their glory happened without a skilled hand & countless hours of tender care - are the result of untold hours of careful planning, knowledge of soil types, and maintenance. The more effortless they look, the more effort we can assume goes into them.
It's tempting to look at another person's garden - or life - and think, "If only I had their soil, their seeds, their skill with bringing things to fruition... Then, my roots would go deep into the soil, then my experiences would produce abundance. If only..." Go that route, and your roots will never reach deep into the soil.
Some years back, I enthusiastically got involved in an event connected to our local high school. Every Wednesday, women gathered at the girls dorm with snacks & banter & some sense of far away friends & family. It meant a lot to me. But I never felt like I fit in, because I didn't - much as I cared, I was not a Mom or even an experienced auntie.
Some years back, I joined a terrific community-oriented, hands-on women's group that seemed tailor-made for my interests. It meant a lot to me. But I never felt like I fit in - not sharing enough their other interests, I never felt a shared a sense of place with the rest of the members.
It took something similar happening a couple years back to realize where I was messing up. A stimulating group - all good acquaintances of mine - gathers virtually every day at our local cafe, bantering back & forth, sharing life moments triumphs challenges. Wonderful - but not for me. I love their camaraderie. What gives them ease makes me tense up. Hoping to turn that around, but for now - not me. And that, for the first time, was fully okay with me. They are still people I care about & for & enjoy, but their place is not mine.
One very big reason why I never felt like I'd set down significant, even shallow, roots was because I kept putting myself in places where I just didn't flourish. Each of those opportunities were wonderful, but they weren't really me. What an eye opener.
For as far back as memory takes me, I've savor people who seem blessed with a rooted life. Whether it's spotting a friend-ringed table at the local cafe or a multi-generation group at a holiday church service or a circle of bosom buddies deep in conversation at the local college, the sight always makes me smile.
It was only since the early part of this year that it fully dawned that my enjoyment is pure genuine pleasure, without a shred of "Why can't that be me?" For a couple years, have been consciously working on NOT putting myself into situations which don't resonate with what matters to me. That meant first figuring out what does matter to me. It meant figuring out where I flourish, which nutrients work best for me. No longer a vagabond seed that drops wherever, but a seedling transplanted into welcoming soil & favorable conditions.
Now, I look down & - glory be! My roots DO go deep! And I've gained enough perspective to see that I've been working way longer than realized to make it so. Long before John, I experimented with new locations, different nutrients, less or more water, less or more sun.
Yes, it took adding a vital nutrient - John, another relatively rootless soul - to find what seems like my ideal spot, but my roots reached down long before. My error was in mistaking lack of a wild riot of bloom for evidence that I lacked even shallow roots.
My roots go deep. In some ways, they always have. And FINALLY recognizing that helps me accept that the primary need of my soul has been met. For that, I thank my Gardener, whose loving Hand & tender Care nurtures my soil.
Stop Pretending, Start Living
Some days, I feel the distance between myself & my niece, Whitney (currently living Down Under) more keenly than others. After posting Mom's 03/18/00 e-mail about her shower & reading ahead to ones about her wedding, feeling soppy sentimental & wishing connection was as easy as a quick drive over to Dalton Road.
From a baby, Whitney's exhibited a keen intelligence & engaging mind. Wish we were close enough for a cozy cuppa & lively gab! Have to content myself with admiring her from afar. Holding her especially close after reading something she posted as a cover photo - Stop Pretending, Start Living.
Yes, I could do with her friendship & insights a lot closer than 10,000+ miles!
From a baby, Whitney's exhibited a keen intelligence & engaging mind. Wish we were close enough for a cozy cuppa & lively gab! Have to content myself with admiring her from afar. Holding her especially close after reading something she posted as a cover photo - Stop Pretending, Start Living.
Yes, I could do with her friendship & insights a lot closer than 10,000+ miles!
Puzzling
Woke up this a.m. to a most stunning AH HA! moment ~ life is an impossibly-sized jigsaw puzzle. Intricate challenging absorbing beyond imagination. And we can't decide to jnot play; we're plunked at the table with all the pieces & there's no walking away.
I mean, there we were - all safe & snug in the womb, everything all of a piece. Then - BAM! - we were delivered into the wide wide world & suddenly our safe & snug lives fell into pieces. Adding insult to injury, most of us won't even begin to see most of the pieces until we've quite a few years under our belt.
It can be galling to see someone sit down and, in a remarkably short time, apparently solve the whole thing, apparently having some inner eye that sees early on the outlines of each pieces, where they fit together into the big picture. When the in-progress puzzle gets bumped about, as it inevitably is & pieces are displaced or even temporarily lost, they just set about locating them, dusting them off, and getting on with it.
None of us work on the wrong puzzle, althogh sometimes the pieces can be unexpectedly edgy or it might appear like the picture is obscure or not coming together as we expect. It is. Trust & keep going.
Might sound trite - life is a jigsaw puzzle - but, as the valedictorian at my sister's NYU graduation intoned decades ago: trite is right. A saying or thought gets slammed as trite because it's been invoked so many times because it is right. Life IS a jigsaw puzzle. And most of us can't begin to master it until we have gathered enough years & experience & - above all - perspective. You can gripe about the challenge, the utter frustration when pieces just don't fit or you have a piece that just doesn't seem to belong, your inability to get the big picture, but there's no walking away from the table. So, just settle down & learn to enjoy it.
Now, where does this piece go....?.
I mean, there we were - all safe & snug in the womb, everything all of a piece. Then - BAM! - we were delivered into the wide wide world & suddenly our safe & snug lives fell into pieces. Adding insult to injury, most of us won't even begin to see most of the pieces until we've quite a few years under our belt.
It can be galling to see someone sit down and, in a remarkably short time, apparently solve the whole thing, apparently having some inner eye that sees early on the outlines of each pieces, where they fit together into the big picture. When the in-progress puzzle gets bumped about, as it inevitably is & pieces are displaced or even temporarily lost, they just set about locating them, dusting them off, and getting on with it.
None of us work on the wrong puzzle, althogh sometimes the pieces can be unexpectedly edgy or it might appear like the picture is obscure or not coming together as we expect. It is. Trust & keep going.
Might sound trite - life is a jigsaw puzzle - but, as the valedictorian at my sister's NYU graduation intoned decades ago: trite is right. A saying or thought gets slammed as trite because it's been invoked so many times because it is right. Life IS a jigsaw puzzle. And most of us can't begin to master it until we have gathered enough years & experience & - above all - perspective. You can gripe about the challenge, the utter frustration when pieces just don't fit or you have a piece that just doesn't seem to belong, your inability to get the big picture, but there's no walking away from the table. So, just settle down & learn to enjoy it.
Now, where does this piece go....?.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Out of the house of bondage
“Women are still in emotional bondage as long as we need to worry that
we might have to make a choice between being heard and being loved.”
A comment on Facebook, posted by a beloved cousin, immediately recalled to my heart amazing qualities of my mother, Katharine Reynolds Lockhart, who - in her final years - exemplified what can happen when you take the frayed strands of life & reweave them into a stronger fabric.
Mom was familiar with the emotional bondage of being torn between being heard or being loved. Not being heard was her comfy place. Except with Dad. Dad was the fabulous outlier in her adult life. (I say adult life, because my guess is that her father also heard her, at least if Mom's story about the Bella peach tree is anything to go by.) Mom & Dad were true partners, in every sense of the word. With him, she was heard & visible & loved.
When he died so young, at 62, so did her sense of safety with being heard & loved. One of the most courageous things I've ever seen was my mother - in her late 80s, early 90s - daring to speak her mind, especially when people she dearly loved responded as she most feared they would, with disapproval & censure. And yet she kept on speaking, kept on expecting to be heard. Bravery personified in one emotionally courageous elder.
A comment on Facebook, posted by a beloved cousin, immediately recalled to my heart amazing qualities of my mother, Katharine Reynolds Lockhart, who - in her final years - exemplified what can happen when you take the frayed strands of life & reweave them into a stronger fabric.
Mom was familiar with the emotional bondage of being torn between being heard or being loved. Not being heard was her comfy place. Except with Dad. Dad was the fabulous outlier in her adult life. (I say adult life, because my guess is that her father also heard her, at least if Mom's story about the Bella peach tree is anything to go by.) Mom & Dad were true partners, in every sense of the word. With him, she was heard & visible & loved.
When he died so young, at 62, so did her sense of safety with being heard & loved. One of the most courageous things I've ever seen was my mother - in her late 80s, early 90s - daring to speak her mind, especially when people she dearly loved responded as she most feared they would, with disapproval & censure. And yet she kept on speaking, kept on expecting to be heard. Bravery personified in one emotionally courageous elder.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
It takes as long as it takes
That was John's sage comment to me about 12 years ago, when I couldn't figure out why he wasn't ranting at me to get back into the work force, to start earning a weekly paycheck again, to start contributing $$ to our coffers.
"Aren't you upset at me for how long it's taken to recover," I'd asked.
"It takes as long as it takes."
It's easy to forget that advice, to want things to work out faster, more effectively, more decisively. Yet, in every case, John's words still ring true.
People are urged to build new initiatives off of previous success. Well, it took me almost 40 years to finally get answers I started actively searching for at age twenty-four. It took as long as it took. But it would never have culminated in success without committing & recommitting, without just keeping on with my efforts to understand the murky & identify the un-understandable. (Gee, the painful amount of time wasted trying to understand the un-understandable!)
Keep on going. Understand what I want to achieve. Recognize what works & do more of that. Recognize what doesn't work & don't do that. Know that - against what seemed like extremely long odds & in the face of incredible forces that supported the unhealthy (at least for me) status quo - I've done it before & all I have to do to do it again is BE real, BE alive, BELIEVE PREPARE ACT.
"Aren't you upset at me for how long it's taken to recover," I'd asked.
"It takes as long as it takes."
It's easy to forget that advice, to want things to work out faster, more effectively, more decisively. Yet, in every case, John's words still ring true.
People are urged to build new initiatives off of previous success. Well, it took me almost 40 years to finally get answers I started actively searching for at age twenty-four. It took as long as it took. But it would never have culminated in success without committing & recommitting, without just keeping on with my efforts to understand the murky & identify the un-understandable. (Gee, the painful amount of time wasted trying to understand the un-understandable!)
Keep on going. Understand what I want to achieve. Recognize what works & do more of that. Recognize what doesn't work & don't do that. Know that - against what seemed like extremely long odds & in the face of incredible forces that supported the unhealthy (at least for me) status quo - I've done it before & all I have to do to do it again is BE real, BE alive, BELIEVE PREPARE ACT.
How dumb is that?!
It's hardly news that when I feel appreciably different when I am in the flow of healthy, wholesome habits. Does it make any sense, since I always have the opportunity, to make any other sort of choice?
It's hardly news that every fiber of my being resists resists resists doing those things that benefit me most. Does it make any sense, since I am always aware of that bent, to follow along, instead of resisting right back & doing those things that will do me the most good without doing harm to others?
It's hardly news that this present moment is the only thing that actually exists, the choice I make NOW. Does it make any sense to pretend anything else is true?
How dumb would that be? Get over it & grow up.
It's hardly news that every fiber of my being resists resists resists doing those things that benefit me most. Does it make any sense, since I am always aware of that bent, to follow along, instead of resisting right back & doing those things that will do me the most good without doing harm to others?
It's hardly news that this present moment is the only thing that actually exists, the choice I make NOW. Does it make any sense to pretend anything else is true?
How dumb would that be? Get over it & grow up.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Of Primary Importance
I do like being older.
So many things make much more sense, seem much clearer. Without a sense of the "Why couldn't I have realized this earlier?" that could be such a distraction.
From my earliest recollection, I was raised - at home, at school, at church - to think of my relationship with the LORD as the most important of all possible relationships, hopefully followed by my relationship to a future husband.
It took until my 60s to realize that what I'd been raised, by myriad authorities, was simply wrong. The relationship that is of primary importance is not my relationship to my Creator, or to my husband, but to myself.
And that relationship had been seriously intensely completely ignored. Except, perhaps, by John, who has always emphasized - by deed more than word - the crucial importance of knowing respecting honoring my own mind.
How could he love me, how could I ever be in communion with the Great Spirit without first knowing respecting honoring ME?
An interesting - and challenging, in the best sort of way - realization to come to at the start of my 3rd Act. Like someone who's been directing the same play for all her life, who suddenly - after decades of performances - sees a different, deeper interpretation of the piece. What some people realize on their directorial debut or early in their careers, but not many. Most see it much later, but too often beat themselves up over "lost years" instead of rejoicing at the new insights. The lucky get to whoop with joy & set to work.
I will be the latter, drawing on all my earlier years to consciously develop a better stronger richer relationship between my selves - and in so doing draw closer to my husband & my God.
So many things make much more sense, seem much clearer. Without a sense of the "Why couldn't I have realized this earlier?" that could be such a distraction.
From my earliest recollection, I was raised - at home, at school, at church - to think of my relationship with the LORD as the most important of all possible relationships, hopefully followed by my relationship to a future husband.
It took until my 60s to realize that what I'd been raised, by myriad authorities, was simply wrong. The relationship that is of primary importance is not my relationship to my Creator, or to my husband, but to myself.
And that relationship had been seriously intensely completely ignored. Except, perhaps, by John, who has always emphasized - by deed more than word - the crucial importance of knowing respecting honoring my own mind.
How could he love me, how could I ever be in communion with the Great Spirit without first knowing respecting honoring ME?
An interesting - and challenging, in the best sort of way - realization to come to at the start of my 3rd Act. Like someone who's been directing the same play for all her life, who suddenly - after decades of performances - sees a different, deeper interpretation of the piece. What some people realize on their directorial debut or early in their careers, but not many. Most see it much later, but too often beat themselves up over "lost years" instead of rejoicing at the new insights. The lucky get to whoop with joy & set to work.
I will be the latter, drawing on all my earlier years to consciously develop a better stronger richer relationship between my selves - and in so doing draw closer to my husband & my God.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Unexpected
Great fun today, putting on the Cairnwood Village Minister's Tea! It's so special, figuring out an interesting menu that's not too time consuming. Pleased with what I pulled off.
Solo, today, since John is mega busy with a major commission for a commercial client. Exciting! Stuck around for the tea, since I suspected there might be quite a bit that needed packing up.
The minister, who had been talking about a "small group" put on for leaders from around our church. He made me uneasy when he mentioned that Saddleback's small groups work because the are made up of folks who are already friends. Then, he took me unawares when he made some reference to my baking & how I'd probably feel right at home in a group of my friends who enjoy baking for others."
In spite of making a spectacle of myself, I shook my head.
Then, I explained that if groups are made up of friends, I'll be up the creek without a paddle because I basically don't have any. People I feel affection for - yes. Friendly acquaintances - yes. But honest-to-gosh friends? Nope.
If you are a popular person, have been a popular person, with gobs of family & lots of friend friends since you made your first steps, it's practically impossible to understand feeling rootless in a community like ours. To such folks, having small groups made up of friends makes perfect sense. It just leaves out the many who feel quietly disenfranchised.
I'm not one to point fingers at the community for MY sense of unconnection. In my case, the responsibility is clearly mine. I haven't a clue about how to really engage with someone, to develop rapport & forge connections. Lots of reasons for the fact that I feel downright leery about being part of a larger whole. It makes me feel... distrustful.
Love that I had an out-of-the-blue to speak a core, hard truth. Only when you look something in the eye & see it for what it is, only then can you work to get past it.
My hometown is overflowing with friendly folks, people for whom I feel deep affection. And we get the occasional invitation, but they are only for very limited special invitations. Exception - one of the best experiences I've ever had was this past summer, when different friends invited us to their Friday night fire pit gatherings. I was blissed out & John enjoyed it, too. In both situations, we were far & away the oldest ones. At the first, we were old enough to be parents to half the gathering! And we LOVED it, felt part of a greater hold. And when I see those young people, it feels great & I feel connected. Rare & wonderful.
And enough to start building something bigger, deeper stronger on its foundation. I really do feel skittish about being part of a greater whole. There's a reason I'm not part part of the "bay window" crowd at Be Well, and it has nothing to do with the friends who congregate there - when I sit down, chest gets tight, my breathing goes shallow, and I want to run. It's not the people, it's the situation.
That is weird. And something to get to the bottom of & work to remedy. Because it has nothing to do with others & everything to do with messed up messages received, and that is something I can straighten out. Not sure how, but I know it's possible, with clarity, focus & follow through.
It still, hours & hours later, amazes me I took spoke a naked truth to a large gathering of my olde friends. No idea how they responded to my comments, but I know how liberated I felt. Unexpected, fabulous - and a beginning.
Solo, today, since John is mega busy with a major commission for a commercial client. Exciting! Stuck around for the tea, since I suspected there might be quite a bit that needed packing up.
The minister, who had been talking about a "small group" put on for leaders from around our church. He made me uneasy when he mentioned that Saddleback's small groups work because the are made up of folks who are already friends. Then, he took me unawares when he made some reference to my baking & how I'd probably feel right at home in a group of my friends who enjoy baking for others."
In spite of making a spectacle of myself, I shook my head.
Then, I explained that if groups are made up of friends, I'll be up the creek without a paddle because I basically don't have any. People I feel affection for - yes. Friendly acquaintances - yes. But honest-to-gosh friends? Nope.
If you are a popular person, have been a popular person, with gobs of family & lots of friend friends since you made your first steps, it's practically impossible to understand feeling rootless in a community like ours. To such folks, having small groups made up of friends makes perfect sense. It just leaves out the many who feel quietly disenfranchised.
I'm not one to point fingers at the community for MY sense of unconnection. In my case, the responsibility is clearly mine. I haven't a clue about how to really engage with someone, to develop rapport & forge connections. Lots of reasons for the fact that I feel downright leery about being part of a larger whole. It makes me feel... distrustful.
Love that I had an out-of-the-blue to speak a core, hard truth. Only when you look something in the eye & see it for what it is, only then can you work to get past it.
My hometown is overflowing with friendly folks, people for whom I feel deep affection. And we get the occasional invitation, but they are only for very limited special invitations. Exception - one of the best experiences I've ever had was this past summer, when different friends invited us to their Friday night fire pit gatherings. I was blissed out & John enjoyed it, too. In both situations, we were far & away the oldest ones. At the first, we were old enough to be parents to half the gathering! And we LOVED it, felt part of a greater hold. And when I see those young people, it feels great & I feel connected. Rare & wonderful.
And enough to start building something bigger, deeper stronger on its foundation. I really do feel skittish about being part of a greater whole. There's a reason I'm not part part of the "bay window" crowd at Be Well, and it has nothing to do with the friends who congregate there - when I sit down, chest gets tight, my breathing goes shallow, and I want to run. It's not the people, it's the situation.
That is weird. And something to get to the bottom of & work to remedy. Because it has nothing to do with others & everything to do with messed up messages received, and that is something I can straighten out. Not sure how, but I know it's possible, with clarity, focus & follow through.
It still, hours & hours later, amazes me I took spoke a naked truth to a large gathering of my olde friends. No idea how they responded to my comments, but I know how liberated I felt. Unexpected, fabulous - and a beginning.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
BREATHE
It was over 15 years ago that I discovered the powerful impact of proper breathing on emotional & physical health. Discovered it, then disregarded what I'd found.
Gotta love second (third, fourth, fifth...) chances to live smarter!
Everyone can commit to a smarter life's path. The one's who managed to get past the desired end are the ones who are willing to recommit however many times it takes to get to COMPLETED.
The fabulous thing with breathwork is that it is a lifelong activity. The question is whether to breath to sustain life or to expand it.
As teens, our lungs can hold up to 1.5 gallons of oxygen; alas, we take in a very small fraction of that amount. That's the bad news. The good news is that every moment of every day is an opportunity to breathe smarter!
My mother exercised every day, almost up to her very last. She took long walks in our hometown, then walks around our new neighborhood, which she shortened to walks up & down our street, then walks around the back yard, then walks around the kitchen island. In her final year or so, she was doing foot exercises in her big chair & standing in front of the sink - and a combination of breathing exercises. She was more committed to breathwork than the gal who introduced her to them (aka me).
Here I be, at 62, committing myself to making daily breathwork part of MY life from now to my last day. It's easy, it's free & it's effective. The greatest challenge isn't snapping my lungs or straining a blood vessel, but that I could get too emotional.
That was a big surprise to me - deep breathwork sometimes connected me to unexpected emotions. Didn't have a clue that breathwork is an integral part of rebirthing, because it can help route out emotional plaque. Sheez...
Think about all the new-fangled gizmos that extend human life. And there's breathwork, as simple as simple can be, making human life more worth living. Which of the two is more valuable?
Stressed out? Feeling sluggish? Blah? Just breathe.
Gotta love second (third, fourth, fifth...) chances to live smarter!
Everyone can commit to a smarter life's path. The one's who managed to get past the desired end are the ones who are willing to recommit however many times it takes to get to COMPLETED.
The fabulous thing with breathwork is that it is a lifelong activity. The question is whether to breath to sustain life or to expand it.
As teens, our lungs can hold up to 1.5 gallons of oxygen; alas, we take in a very small fraction of that amount. That's the bad news. The good news is that every moment of every day is an opportunity to breathe smarter!
My mother exercised every day, almost up to her very last. She took long walks in our hometown, then walks around our new neighborhood, which she shortened to walks up & down our street, then walks around the back yard, then walks around the kitchen island. In her final year or so, she was doing foot exercises in her big chair & standing in front of the sink - and a combination of breathing exercises. She was more committed to breathwork than the gal who introduced her to them (aka me).
Here I be, at 62, committing myself to making daily breathwork part of MY life from now to my last day. It's easy, it's free & it's effective. The greatest challenge isn't snapping my lungs or straining a blood vessel, but that I could get too emotional.
That was a big surprise to me - deep breathwork sometimes connected me to unexpected emotions. Didn't have a clue that breathwork is an integral part of rebirthing, because it can help route out emotional plaque. Sheez...
Think about all the new-fangled gizmos that extend human life. And there's breathwork, as simple as simple can be, making human life more worth living. Which of the two is more valuable?
Stressed out? Feeling sluggish? Blah? Just breathe.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Feeling like DANCING!
Combine the perfect setting - the stunning reception room of a gorgeous cathedral - with an inspired idea & you have last night's dance for young adults at my local church! Sounds like everyone had a splendid time. Loud cheers for whoever came up with the idea, for all the folks who worked on it, for all who tripped the light fantastic!
Imagine if we expanded on the idea. What a lovely tip of the hat to older role models & mentors it would be if younger adults put on an afternoon swing party for older friends who graduated in the late 1930s or '40s. Perhaps it on in the community rooms at our local retirement village - one room for dancing & another for similar music, food & socializing. Perhaps feature a performance of waltzes and/or other specialty dances, a la Fred & Adele. And they could arrange rides to & from for people who live elsewhere.
Or imagine the college students sponsoring a sock hop for alums graduating in the late 1940s & the '50s! Perhaps use Pendleton Hall Commons for the dancing, with refreshments & general hobnobbing upstairs.
Imagine expanding the brilliance idea of last night's event & drawing together a community through dance!!
Imagine if we expanded on the idea. What a lovely tip of the hat to older role models & mentors it would be if younger adults put on an afternoon swing party for older friends who graduated in the late 1930s or '40s. Perhaps it on in the community rooms at our local retirement village - one room for dancing & another for similar music, food & socializing. Perhaps feature a performance of waltzes and/or other specialty dances, a la Fred & Adele. And they could arrange rides to & from for people who live elsewhere.
Or imagine the college students sponsoring a sock hop for alums graduating in the late 1940s & the '50s! Perhaps use Pendleton Hall Commons for the dancing, with refreshments & general hobnobbing upstairs.
Imagine expanding the brilliance idea of last night's event & drawing together a community through dance!!
Friday, March 14, 2014
SUPER creepy
The super creepy thing about "I hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying - and I am doing the opposite" is NOT that Mom thought that made sense. The super creepiest thing is that I act the exact same way!! At least Mom thought she was acting according to religious teachings. There is NO excuse for me.
That is precisely what I do when I know in my head that getting to bed by 10:30 p.m. & up at 5:30 a.m. works best for me. When I know that developing a daily meditation practice would revolutionize my life in wondrous ways I can't begin to imagine. Ditto for yoga & body work.
Is it normal for humans to go with the flow, stick with familiar & comfortable, feel at home in the status quo? Absolutely. But we are NOT human - we are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. And whether you believe that we go to a spiritual world after death or that we are reincarnated into another existence, or simply turn into compost, we should use this space/time continuum to transcend the human & open up the spirit.
And that is best done by having a firm understanding of what meets/advances our best interests (w/o hurting or harming others), then calling up sufficient self-love to begin & follow through.
Replace super creepy with super everything!
That is precisely what I do when I know in my head that getting to bed by 10:30 p.m. & up at 5:30 a.m. works best for me. When I know that developing a daily meditation practice would revolutionize my life in wondrous ways I can't begin to imagine. Ditto for yoga & body work.
Is it normal for humans to go with the flow, stick with familiar & comfortable, feel at home in the status quo? Absolutely. But we are NOT human - we are spiritual beings having a temporary human experience. And whether you believe that we go to a spiritual world after death or that we are reincarnated into another existence, or simply turn into compost, we should use this space/time continuum to transcend the human & open up the spirit.
And that is best done by having a firm understanding of what meets/advances our best interests (w/o hurting or harming others), then calling up sufficient self-love to begin & follow through.
Replace super creepy with super everything!
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Creepy
Mom used to freak me out by saying, in utter total complete sincerity, "I hear what you're saying; I understand what you're saying; I agree with what you're saying - - and I am doing the opposite."
The most interesting thing - which I will never forget - was the look on her face when I inevitably came unhinged. She felt betrayed - how could I be upset when she agreed with me? If she agreed with me, what did it matter what she actually did?
What a blessing it was to learn, in the final weeks of her life, WHAT she meant by that, WHY she felt betrayed by my distressed response.
Turns out that she'd totally misunderstood a core teaching of our birth faith - that for actions to have any true value, they must align with our intentions. If you give a million dollars to an orphanage, but made the money through nefarious means, the gift has no inner value.
Somewhere along the way, Mom mangled the message to HOW you act has incredibly less value than what you INTEND in your heart. Small wonder she always looked shocked & incredulous & betrayed by my distress!
Two extremely important things that dawned on me when I heard the WHY of her heartbreaking behavior:
Oh, one other important thing occurred to me - how many times have I done or am doing something similar? Makes me way more cautious about what I know and, I hope, more open to seeing when what I believe makes no sense to head and/or heart.
Still creeps me out - what she did, why she did it, how easily I might not ever have understood why. That last bit is what creeps me out most of all.
The most interesting thing - which I will never forget - was the look on her face when I inevitably came unhinged. She felt betrayed - how could I be upset when she agreed with me? If she agreed with me, what did it matter what she actually did?
What a blessing it was to learn, in the final weeks of her life, WHAT she meant by that, WHY she felt betrayed by my distressed response.
Turns out that she'd totally misunderstood a core teaching of our birth faith - that for actions to have any true value, they must align with our intentions. If you give a million dollars to an orphanage, but made the money through nefarious means, the gift has no inner value.
Somewhere along the way, Mom mangled the message to HOW you act has incredibly less value than what you INTEND in your heart. Small wonder she always looked shocked & incredulous & betrayed by my distress!
Two extremely important things that dawned on me when I heard the WHY of her heartbreaking behavior:
- The unimaginably hurtful thing she was doing was rooted in her understanding of church teachings. To her, it was sacrosanct.
- That I was incredibly blessed to be given the explanation before she died, especially as she didn't share it as a confession, it just came up as part of a larger discussion about something totally different. I might never have known.
Oh, one other important thing occurred to me - how many times have I done or am doing something similar? Makes me way more cautious about what I know and, I hope, more open to seeing when what I believe makes no sense to head and/or heart.
Still creeps me out - what she did, why she did it, how easily I might not ever have understood why. That last bit is what creeps me out most of all.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Swap
Need to swap the computer studio chair with the one in the front room, which has arms. NOT the right chair for doing meditation.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Miracles all around me
In the face of often overwhelming despair, she was the kind of woman who
would see the tiniest speck of hope & lead everyone towards it.* –
Queenisms
That ALMOST describes me. Except the part about being the kind of woman who can lead everyone towards an important goal. That's never been me. And that has to change.
I grew up a Cassandra, able to see what lay ahead yet unable to convince anyone about the danger. And in spite of that happening time & again, it continued to happen time & again. And that has to change.
There is far more than the tiniest speck of hope on my horizon. As soon as there's enough in my checking account, will sign up for Get To Know The Real You, an 08/01-03 Omega workshop focusing on what our brain chemistry, personality & body broadcast about us.
For decades, I've known that mine are hopelessly messed up.
This was brought home to me, big time, last month, at my 6-week appointment with my general practitioner. (To check my blood pressure.) I told him about VERY heavy blood flow one day last month; it was so heavy, at one point I contemplated the possibility I could be dead by the next day if it didn't subside (I had procrastinated signing up for the ACA).
He looked stunned. When had I started having blood discharge?
Duh - like since before I first reconnected with him, following a minor car accident, in July 2013.
I was just as dumbfounded as he was, since I'd taken care to mention it at every appointment. He looked dazed when he saw the notations in his records. It was clear he had no memory of what I'd said.
FACT: that is not unusual, in my experience. I can shout something crucial from the rooftops, but it seems no one - John included - hears it.
What was it that kept my physician from processing in his head something that I was telling him, repeatedly? It hit me ~ am cursed with an utterly messed up vocal affect. My tone & demeanor are usually out of alignment with what I'm trying to convey, hence the words just don't process. I shared VERY serious medical information with my primary care physician, but relayed it in a calm, casual manner. He wrote down the words, but they didn't process.
It's no great mystery how I came to be so messed up, but that doesn't help me change. What's in the past has no relevancy in this wretched situation. HOW will I ever be able to rejigger the currently woeful culture around elder care if I can't even get my doctor to realize I need to see an ob-gyn RIGHT NOW???
Enter, Omega & a weekend workshop on gaining insights into who I am, what I need, and how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for me.
Gives me goose bumps. Last month, it hit me that my vocal affect is all messed up. Last week, I wrote about starting something BIG. Today, a catalogue arrives, a workshop* that can help me effectively align my tone & expression & body language plops into my lap. Thank you, Universe - greatly appreciated! (And please keep 'em coming!!)
Please, O Great Spirit, let it guide me to become a woman who can find ways & means to uproot our stagnant culture around aging and lead everyone else to embrace & celebrate it!
That ALMOST describes me. Except the part about being the kind of woman who can lead everyone towards an important goal. That's never been me. And that has to change.
I grew up a Cassandra, able to see what lay ahead yet unable to convince anyone about the danger. And in spite of that happening time & again, it continued to happen time & again. And that has to change.
There is far more than the tiniest speck of hope on my horizon. As soon as there's enough in my checking account, will sign up for Get To Know The Real You, an 08/01-03 Omega workshop focusing on what our brain chemistry, personality & body broadcast about us.
For decades, I've known that mine are hopelessly messed up.
This was brought home to me, big time, last month, at my 6-week appointment with my general practitioner. (To check my blood pressure.) I told him about VERY heavy blood flow one day last month; it was so heavy, at one point I contemplated the possibility I could be dead by the next day if it didn't subside (I had procrastinated signing up for the ACA).
He looked stunned. When had I started having blood discharge?
Duh - like since before I first reconnected with him, following a minor car accident, in July 2013.
I was just as dumbfounded as he was, since I'd taken care to mention it at every appointment. He looked dazed when he saw the notations in his records. It was clear he had no memory of what I'd said.
FACT: that is not unusual, in my experience. I can shout something crucial from the rooftops, but it seems no one - John included - hears it.
What was it that kept my physician from processing in his head something that I was telling him, repeatedly? It hit me ~ am cursed with an utterly messed up vocal affect. My tone & demeanor are usually out of alignment with what I'm trying to convey, hence the words just don't process. I shared VERY serious medical information with my primary care physician, but relayed it in a calm, casual manner. He wrote down the words, but they didn't process.
It's no great mystery how I came to be so messed up, but that doesn't help me change. What's in the past has no relevancy in this wretched situation. HOW will I ever be able to rejigger the currently woeful culture around elder care if I can't even get my doctor to realize I need to see an ob-gyn RIGHT NOW???
Enter, Omega & a weekend workshop on gaining insights into who I am, what I need, and how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for me.
Gives me goose bumps. Last month, it hit me that my vocal affect is all messed up. Last week, I wrote about starting something BIG. Today, a catalogue arrives, a workshop* that can help me effectively align my tone & expression & body language plops into my lap. Thank you, Universe - greatly appreciated! (And please keep 'em coming!!)
One more miracle to add to all the ones I keep seeing around me!
Please, O Great Spirit, let it guide me to become a woman who can find ways & means to uproot our stagnant culture around aging and lead everyone else to embrace & celebrate it!
What
does your speech say about you? How about your face? Your movements?
Your personality shines through everything you do, but how well do you
really know yourself?
In this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
* And slowly but surely we teach ourselves to recognize the speck of hope within us is really a strong, burning ember of power. ~ Queenisms 101 Jolts of InspirationIn this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
What
does your speech say about you? How about your face? Your movements?
Your personality shines through everything you do, but how well do you
really know yourself?
In this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
In this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
What
does your speech say about you? How about your face? Your movements?
Your personality shines through everything you do, but how well do you
really know yourself?
In this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
In this eclectic workshop, four world-renowned experts in personal development help you gain great insights into who you are, what you need, and most importantly, how to work with this knowledge to create a life that works for you.
Join Laura Germine, Jean Haner, David Bedrick, and Tony LeRoy on a journey to explore what your mind, body, and spiritual self say about your true being.
Over time, your personality and brain chemistry may shift, as do your body and intellectual and spiritual pursuits. Using everything from the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and genetics, to face reading and intuitive insights, to meditation and movement, you gain a better understanding of your past and current self, and learn how to positively impact your future self.
Through exercises, discussion, and guided self-reflection, you delve into all aspects of your life and connect with who you really are, inside and out.
- See more at: http://www.eomega.org/workshops/get-to-know-the-real-you#-workshop-description-block
You've got to...
...accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch onto the affirmative - don't mess with Mr. In-Between!
Such great wisdom, caught in one compact sentence - okay, song. Especially the part about not messing with Mr. In-Between.
Some months back, friends sent a book, Positivity, to help jump start me into doing. Gee, was I surprised! Never dawned on me they'd think I need to boost my positives. Sheez, ever since I was a wee tadger, have preached the gospel of seeing both the positive AND negative, recognizing the latter while focusing on the former.
My downfall hasn't been lack of positivity -- it's been Mr. In-Between!! Awareness of his effect has long been an ominous cloud on my otherwise sunny horizon.
From the time I was quite young - in elementary school - I've been wary about being a Laodicean. (I was a strange child, that's for sure.) Perhaps you remember the Church of Laodicea, mentioned in the Book of Revelation? God commands John to write to them, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth." Smacked me right between the eyes! Laodiceans - clearly a bunch of Mr. In-Betweens!!
When I think of my current-day role models, they are all doers, people who don't futz around making grand plans, but get their hands on a project & follow it through to completion.
It's been AWESOME over the past few weeks, showing Mr. In-Between the door when he's shown up. Not easy, not easy at all. But worth every recommitted moment! .
Keep an eye peeled for my next posting about building on an existing strength - spreading joy!
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene
Such great wisdom, caught in one compact sentence - okay, song. Especially the part about not messing with Mr. In-Between.
Some months back, friends sent a book, Positivity, to help jump start me into doing. Gee, was I surprised! Never dawned on me they'd think I need to boost my positives. Sheez, ever since I was a wee tadger, have preached the gospel of seeing both the positive AND negative, recognizing the latter while focusing on the former.
My downfall hasn't been lack of positivity -- it's been Mr. In-Between!! Awareness of his effect has long been an ominous cloud on my otherwise sunny horizon.
From the time I was quite young - in elementary school - I've been wary about being a Laodicean. (I was a strange child, that's for sure.) Perhaps you remember the Church of Laodicea, mentioned in the Book of Revelation? God commands John to write to them, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth." Smacked me right between the eyes! Laodiceans - clearly a bunch of Mr. In-Betweens!!
When I think of my current-day role models, they are all doers, people who don't futz around making grand plans, but get their hands on a project & follow it through to completion.
It's been AWESOME over the past few weeks, showing Mr. In-Between the door when he's shown up. Not easy, not easy at all. But worth every recommitted moment! .
Keep an eye peeled for my next posting about building on an existing strength - spreading joy!
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene
Sunday, March 9, 2014
What you think about me...
It's impossible to count the # of people I rub the wrong way, just by being open about my perceived challenges. Narcissistic - self indulgent - and worse. All terms I've been labeled due to acknowledging life-long challenges. And it is true that most people keep such dismal things to themselves. Alas, I've never had a sense of personal privacy. But that's not why I share some of my greatest current challenges. By sharing, a space is opened for change.
What is utterly beyond cool is knowing that the details behind my challenges are in the past. All that I have to grapple with in this present moment is whatever reality exists at this point in apparent time, unhindered by the chains of the past. Yes, it truly does help remembering how small & inadequate & totally out ranked I felt hearing people batting around mind-massaging topics utterly above my grasp. But only because it's clear to my 62-year old self that I was the one generating that response. Ya gotta see something before ya can shake it off! Catch & release - not a bad mantra!
FYI - am not beating myself up by saying I rub people the wrong way. They've been remarkably forthright about it through the years. But lean in & learn an important lesson learned many years ago - what people think about me is none of my business.
The fact is that I've made astonishing progress over a mere... okay, 38 years. But the fact is that progress HAS been made, I am way better at living in THIS moment rather than fretting over what was or dithering over what may be.
It's not just that what you think about me is none of my business - - what I think about me is none of my business either. What I am doing in THIS moment - that's what matters. Always has been, always will.
Ain't living in whatever passes as NOW grand?!!
What is utterly beyond cool is knowing that the details behind my challenges are in the past. All that I have to grapple with in this present moment is whatever reality exists at this point in apparent time, unhindered by the chains of the past. Yes, it truly does help remembering how small & inadequate & totally out ranked I felt hearing people batting around mind-massaging topics utterly above my grasp. But only because it's clear to my 62-year old self that I was the one generating that response. Ya gotta see something before ya can shake it off! Catch & release - not a bad mantra!
FYI - am not beating myself up by saying I rub people the wrong way. They've been remarkably forthright about it through the years. But lean in & learn an important lesson learned many years ago - what people think about me is none of my business.
The fact is that I've made astonishing progress over a mere... okay, 38 years. But the fact is that progress HAS been made, I am way better at living in THIS moment rather than fretting over what was or dithering over what may be.
It's not just that what you think about me is none of my business - - what I think about me is none of my business either. What I am doing in THIS moment - that's what matters. Always has been, always will.
Ain't living in whatever passes as NOW grand?!!
What would Eleanor think?!
What would Eleanor Roosevelt - who famously said, "Great minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss events, small minds discuss personalities." - think about MY mind? Not the one that I come to by nature, but the one nurtured over the decades?
Perhaps the thing I longed for most from my sister was to have a meeting of minds. I was always in awe of hers. I'd sit in absolute amazement as she'd engage others in stimulating uplifting illuminating discussions about theater & literature & all sorts of intriguing subjects & ideas. Truly a great mind that drew on a treasure trove of knowledge.
Not like her younger sister. I cut my teeth on the family myth that my mind was as vacuous as hers was lively. When I was young, my oldest brother complained to my mother, "Must she always talk such drivel?" To this day, he's given me no reason to think he's changed his mind about the level of my intellect.
It's impossible to describe how it feels, always being on the outside looking in. One discussion stands out in my mind, less than 20 years ago. Peter, Whitney, Mim & I were waiting in Holy Redeemer Hospital's family lounge. Mom was in surgery, so we were there for at least a couple hours. Even now, I remember the sense of awe I felt listening to the three of them batting back & forth topics totally outside my ken. How I longed to have the sort of mentality that gave harbor to such knowledge & had the dexterity to remember it, to tap into it & use it in conversation.
I've always admired & envied the skill with which both Mom & John draw out other people, get them talking about themselves, engage in & prolong interesting entertaining enlightening conversation.
One of my deepest, still-entrenched beliefs is that longed-for ability to connect, engage & converse is past my ken, something to be admired but never attained. But even deeper down, past a nurture that labels my mind capable of discussing plots & characters from T.V. shows & little else (aka drivel) is its curious thirsting true nature, a mind worthy of Eleanor's time & attention.
Chalk it up to my drivelish mind looking to pop culture for inspiration, but am reminded of a scene in the film version of Little Women, Susan Sarandon's Marmie saying to Winona Ryder's Jo, who's inherited Plumfield from Mary Wicks' Aunt March - "Turning it into a school - now there's a challenge for you!" Turning my mind from its nurture to true nature? I accept!
Perhaps the thing I longed for most from my sister was to have a meeting of minds. I was always in awe of hers. I'd sit in absolute amazement as she'd engage others in stimulating uplifting illuminating discussions about theater & literature & all sorts of intriguing subjects & ideas. Truly a great mind that drew on a treasure trove of knowledge.
Not like her younger sister. I cut my teeth on the family myth that my mind was as vacuous as hers was lively. When I was young, my oldest brother complained to my mother, "Must she always talk such drivel?" To this day, he's given me no reason to think he's changed his mind about the level of my intellect.
It's impossible to describe how it feels, always being on the outside looking in. One discussion stands out in my mind, less than 20 years ago. Peter, Whitney, Mim & I were waiting in Holy Redeemer Hospital's family lounge. Mom was in surgery, so we were there for at least a couple hours. Even now, I remember the sense of awe I felt listening to the three of them batting back & forth topics totally outside my ken. How I longed to have the sort of mentality that gave harbor to such knowledge & had the dexterity to remember it, to tap into it & use it in conversation.
I've always admired & envied the skill with which both Mom & John draw out other people, get them talking about themselves, engage in & prolong interesting entertaining enlightening conversation.
One of my deepest, still-entrenched beliefs is that longed-for ability to connect, engage & converse is past my ken, something to be admired but never attained. But even deeper down, past a nurture that labels my mind capable of discussing plots & characters from T.V. shows & little else (aka drivel) is its curious thirsting true nature, a mind worthy of Eleanor's time & attention.
Chalk it up to my drivelish mind looking to pop culture for inspiration, but am reminded of a scene in the film version of Little Women, Susan Sarandon's Marmie saying to Winona Ryder's Jo, who's inherited Plumfield from Mary Wicks' Aunt March - "Turning it into a school - now there's a challenge for you!" Turning my mind from its nurture to true nature? I accept!
Collaged
Far from kicking myself that I didn't come to certain realizations earlier in life, am constantly reminded that many, maybe most humans need to perk at our own pace, filtering life through the gauze of time before we can reach insights impossible in our younger years. The process reminds of the work of internationally-renown printmaker, Cynthia Back.
Along with gaining fame for her prints, over the years Cynthia also gained an extensive collection of print proofs, out-dated pieces, abandoned attempts. Instead of tossing the lot out, she saw in them a potential new expression of her artistic vision. From her accumulation of "the past, the forgotten, the unsuccessful," she creates wondrous collages, using the old to design something new, selecting & cutting pieces from her scrap pile for color, detail, pattern.
Her collage pieces are like my life - impossible without the work that came before, taking what's discarded & incorporating it into something new & exciting.
Talk about wondrous - how remarkable to find out things about myself that might look like failings deficiencies flaws that are waiting to be selected, cut & turned into something new & exciting. Yes, I shrink away from being integrated into the greater whole of community. Yes, I have a dreadful time asking, opting to beat around the bushes & tap dance around the edges. Yes, I resist resist resist living by a schedule, in spite of knowing that's how I thrive. Those are just a few of the pieces in my accumulated pile of out-dated habits, abandoned dreams, unrealized horizons - glorious material to dive into & manufacture into something new, deciding which to select, to cut, to piece into a work that displays a richness previously impossible.
In my callow youth, I attended college. Today, in the richness of high middle age, it's time to collage all that's come before into all that is!
FYI - Cynthia's work is on display at the gallery at Pennswood Village (next to George School, in Newtown, PA) until March 16.
Along with gaining fame for her prints, over the years Cynthia also gained an extensive collection of print proofs, out-dated pieces, abandoned attempts. Instead of tossing the lot out, she saw in them a potential new expression of her artistic vision. From her accumulation of "the past, the forgotten, the unsuccessful," she creates wondrous collages, using the old to design something new, selecting & cutting pieces from her scrap pile for color, detail, pattern.
Her collage pieces are like my life - impossible without the work that came before, taking what's discarded & incorporating it into something new & exciting.
Talk about wondrous - how remarkable to find out things about myself that might look like failings deficiencies flaws that are waiting to be selected, cut & turned into something new & exciting. Yes, I shrink away from being integrated into the greater whole of community. Yes, I have a dreadful time asking, opting to beat around the bushes & tap dance around the edges. Yes, I resist resist resist living by a schedule, in spite of knowing that's how I thrive. Those are just a few of the pieces in my accumulated pile of out-dated habits, abandoned dreams, unrealized horizons - glorious material to dive into & manufacture into something new, deciding which to select, to cut, to piece into a work that displays a richness previously impossible.
In my callow youth, I attended college. Today, in the richness of high middle age, it's time to collage all that's come before into all that is!
FYI - Cynthia's work is on display at the gallery at Pennswood Village (next to George School, in Newtown, PA) until March 16.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Start something BIG
Pretty weird, in a wonderful way, to wake up thinking, "Start something BIG!" Now, it's been over two years that I've been thinking about doing just that, but apparently it's only been skirting around the edges of my desire, not plunging into the center & infusing it with NOW!!!!
Which got me to thinking about a friend of mine. She dreamed of going to med school. Lots of people do. She applied. And was short listed. But didn't get in. Lots of people don't. Lots of people would have thought to themselves, "Gave it my best shot. Just wasn't a dream that's gonna work out" & moved on. Not Bethany. She held onto that dream. If anything, she saw herself with that white coat with the name plaque engraved "Bethany Kay Zeigler, M.D." She looked at where she needed to increase her proficiencies & did just that. She combined savvy focus & determined perseverance. And this past week, she was admitted into an excellent medical school. Bethany thought BIG.
Thinking about her got me to thinking about another friend. She heard about a grant that sends a representative - a writer or a journalist or a filmmaker - from 16 countries to Germany for two weeks. How many people would think, "What a fantastic opportunity!" & spun all sorts of delightful imagining around it, but never requested let alone filled out the application? How many might have gone as far as downloading the grant application but stopped short of filling it out or getting the necessary recommendations or got it it all completed - and never sent it off? Too many. Not Kimberly. About the time the trees are turning to blossom, she'll be leaving for r Nuremberg! Starting - following through on - something BIG seems to be her norm.
I am blessed to be connected, even if in the merest way, with so many people who think BIG. Many of them are people you'll never hear of, whose names will only be known by family & circle of friends, but who think BIG when it comes to relationships, to developing strong community and/or personal systems, or undertake & follow through projects of all sizes that have a BIG (albeit often quiet) impact.
I woke up thinking, "Start something BIG!" Blessings on everyone in my life - throughout my life, close & far, near & dear or merest acquaintance - who are always & forever awesome role models & spiritual mentors. Am taking your examples, your can-do energies, beautiful dreams - realized & still aborning, constructive impact & inspiration, spinning them into fibers & weaving them into what Mom called a metaphysical shawl to tucked around me as I sally forth to start something BIG!!
Which got me to thinking about a friend of mine. She dreamed of going to med school. Lots of people do. She applied. And was short listed. But didn't get in. Lots of people don't. Lots of people would have thought to themselves, "Gave it my best shot. Just wasn't a dream that's gonna work out" & moved on. Not Bethany. She held onto that dream. If anything, she saw herself with that white coat with the name plaque engraved "Bethany Kay Zeigler, M.D." She looked at where she needed to increase her proficiencies & did just that. She combined savvy focus & determined perseverance. And this past week, she was admitted into an excellent medical school. Bethany thought BIG.
Thinking about her got me to thinking about another friend. She heard about a grant that sends a representative - a writer or a journalist or a filmmaker - from 16 countries to Germany for two weeks. How many people would think, "What a fantastic opportunity!" & spun all sorts of delightful imagining around it, but never requested let alone filled out the application? How many might have gone as far as downloading the grant application but stopped short of filling it out or getting the necessary recommendations or got it it all completed - and never sent it off? Too many. Not Kimberly. About the time the trees are turning to blossom, she'll be leaving for r Nuremberg! Starting - following through on - something BIG seems to be her norm.
I am blessed to be connected, even if in the merest way, with so many people who think BIG. Many of them are people you'll never hear of, whose names will only be known by family & circle of friends, but who think BIG when it comes to relationships, to developing strong community and/or personal systems, or undertake & follow through projects of all sizes that have a BIG (albeit often quiet) impact.
I woke up thinking, "Start something BIG!" Blessings on everyone in my life - throughout my life, close & far, near & dear or merest acquaintance - who are always & forever awesome role models & spiritual mentors. Am taking your examples, your can-do energies, beautiful dreams - realized & still aborning, constructive impact & inspiration, spinning them into fibers & weaving them into what Mom called a metaphysical shawl to tucked around me as I sally forth to start something BIG!!
Friday, March 7, 2014
My Birth Family
Came across this, written on 01/12/00...
My birth family is a collection of highly-differentiated people whose only commonality seems to be a shared gene pool. We tend to be strong-minded, a gathering of chiefs rather than consortium of partners. Even when we don't understand others, we can strive for compassion. Even if we are not all linked by affection or at least shared history, we can always be linked by respect. THAT is the family reality I hold in my heart.
My birth family is a collection of highly-differentiated people whose only commonality seems to be a shared gene pool. We tend to be strong-minded, a gathering of chiefs rather than consortium of partners. Even when we don't understand others, we can strive for compassion. Even if we are not all linked by affection or at least shared history, we can always be linked by respect. THAT is the family reality I hold in my heart.
remarkable ~ sound ~ resilient
A year or so ago, I placed my focus on developing internal
personal structures that felt woefully absent throughout my life. What I neglected to do at that time – and will, most
gratefully, now – was to thank all that went before, all the went into
constructing my foundation. For without
that strong foundation, nothing else would be possible.
My foundation is strong & beautiful. Countless resilient materials went
into its making. Every moment, every
experience, every person along my path helped make it a wondrous first phase of a remarkable,
sound & - that word again –
resilient structure.
It took a LONG time to gather the materials… well, to realize that I was, in fact, gathering
materials, not simply slogging through life.
And it took even longer to recognize that those materials, some sought but most not, were finding their place, helping
me find & recognize my place. I could not have set
out to work on my woefully absent steely frame without acknowledging the foundation was
completed, that my starting point was prepared for more. And I thank everything that lent visible & invisible hands to setting that frame in place.
Two quotes keep coming to mind, one ancient, one current day - "Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it" ~ and ~ "You didn't build that on your own." The one is from the Old Testament, the other is from President Barack Obama. With every day that passes, I realize more & more the truth of both in the construction of my foundation, the setting of my steely frame, now my work on sheathing it with "skin" & setting up interiors. Some hand other than my own points to the path of inspired purpose, sets me on it, leads me toward great grand goals only I can achieve.
My successes are not merely my own, but the work of countless forces. The most I did was open up possibility hope belief. The great work – like with the
foundation - was done by forces far
greater than I. For the foundation & steely frame, I am most profoundly
grateful. I have raised my flag atop the highest beam.
Now, its time to overlay that waiting frame with a “skin” of exterior materials, to configure the vast empty levels into rooms & offices, to welcome plumbers & electricians & electricians & interior designers.
Three words keep echoing in my ears - remarkable, sound, resilient. May all that I construct - with help - over the rest of this life embody & reflect each of them. I want, when my time has come, to leave the memory of a sheltering, nurturing, joyful edifice that reached up up up.
Exciting times surround & beckon me!
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