Unexpected

Great fun today, putting on the Cairnwood Village Minister's Tea!  It's so special, figuring out an interesting menu that's not too time consuming.  Pleased with what I pulled off.

Solo, today, since John is mega busy with a major commission for a commercial client.  Exciting!  Stuck around for the tea, since I suspected there might be quite a bit that needed packing up.  

The minister, who had been talking about a "small group" put on for leaders from around our church.  He made me uneasy when he mentioned that Saddleback's small groups work because the are made up of folks who are already friends.  Then, he took me unawares when he made some reference to my baking & how I'd probably feel right at home in a group of my friends who enjoy baking for others."

In spite of making a spectacle of myself, I shook my head.

Then, I explained that if groups are made up of friends, I'll be up the creek without a paddle because I basically don't have any.  People I feel affection for - yes.  Friendly acquaintances - yes.  But honest-to-gosh friends?  Nope.

If you are a popular person, have been a popular person, with gobs of family & lots of friend friends since you made your first steps, it's practically impossible to understand feeling rootless in a community like ours.  To such folks, having small groups made up of friends makes perfect sense.  It just leaves out the many who feel quietly disenfranchised.

I'm not one to point fingers at the community for MY sense of unconnection.  In my case, the responsibility is clearly mine.  I haven't a clue about how to really engage with someone, to develop rapport & forge connections.  Lots of reasons for the fact that I feel downright leery about being part of a larger whole.  It makes me feel...  distrustful.  

Love that I had an out-of-the-blue to speak a core, hard truth.  Only when you look something in the eye & see it for what it is, only then can you work to get past it.

My hometown is overflowing with friendly folks, people for whom I feel deep affection. And we get the occasional invitation, but they are only for very limited special invitations.  Exception - one of the best experiences I've ever had was this past summer, when different friends invited us to their Friday night fire pit gatherings.  I was blissed out & John enjoyed it, too.  In both situations, we were far & away the oldest ones.  At the first, we were old enough to be parents to half the gathering!  And we LOVED it, felt part of a greater hold.  And when I see those young people, it feels great & I feel connected.  Rare & wonderful.

And enough to start building something bigger, deeper stronger on its foundation.  I really do feel skittish about being part of a greater whole.  There's a reason I'm not part part of the "bay window" crowd at Be Well, and it has nothing to do with the friends who congregate there - when I sit down, chest gets tight, my breathing goes shallow, and I want to run.  It's not the people, it's the situation.

That is weird.  And something to get to the bottom of & work to remedy.  Because it has nothing to do with others & everything to do with messed up messages received, and that is something I can straighten out.  Not sure how, but I know it's possible, with clarity, focus & follow through.

It still, hours & hours later, amazes me I took spoke a naked truth to a large gathering of my olde friends.  No idea how they responded to my comments, but I know how liberated I felt.  Unexpected, fabulous - and a beginning.