And in between, my life shifted.
Although I'd never read Dr. Covey's book, much of what he said as I wended my way across the Delaware, up through New Jersey, up to Kingston & finally Glenford, resounded in me as a long-time YES. But I'd never given much thought to the importance of leaving a legacy.
I know for certain sure that it's been many years I've spared a thought on the importance of legacies. Woke up in the wee small hours of this morning thinking about it - a lot. Started out last night, thinking about the often ignored importance to all of us - especially older people - to feel like we will leave some sort of legacy behind us when we're gone. Bits & pieces of what I first heard on that long-ago drive flitted through my head. What was the whole quote? Heaved myself out of bed & downstairs for an online search. And there it was:
“There are certain things that are fundamental to human fulfillment. The essence of these needs is captured in the phrase 'to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy'. The need to live is our physical need for such things as food, clothing, shelter, economical well-being, health. The need to love is our social need to relate to other people, to belong, to love and to be loved. The need to learn is our mental need to develop and to grow. And the need to leave a legacy is our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution.”
Ah, yes. Except what stood out for me on first hearing that was NOT anything about leaving a legacy, but the spiritual need to have a sense of personal congruence. Smiling, as I remember the bells & whistles that seemed to ring though my head first hearing that! YES! It hit home because of knowing that I had no sense of personal congruence. That one sentence, perhaps more than any read before or since, set me on the path toward a better sense of alignment & wholeness.
Small wonder that what was shared about legacies sort of faded out into only a vague memory of something important I once heard. Or maybe it was something that couldn't be attended to UNTIL achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence.
In any case, here I am, pondering my own need to leave a legacy.
Which got me thinking about how many people leave a positive legacy within their families. That seems to be the place that most people leave their most vital legacy. They might be people of great importance, whose work will reverberate through the ages, but it's the legacy we leave with our loved ones that - in the end - we value above all others. Which got me thinking about my own funky reality of not having a family to leave a legacy, at least a positive one.
Until around 5:05 a.m. this morning, had never thought about the possibility of MY leaving a legacy behind me. My experience is the opposite of legacy leaving. None of my family remembers me doing anything of any value for any of them. That seems strange, even harsh, but it is true.
All my sister remembers is that I offered to do things for her, but that she always turned me down. And she completed her memory delete when she brushed away anything that might have been when she proclaimed, "the past is the past" - with no meaning, no value for her in the present. Does she still feel that way? Maybe not, but she's never told me otherwise.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - gone.
Peter was even more amazing. In his memory, as soon as he was able to leave home for college, he lived a totally separate life from mine. Mim at least acknowledges some sort of mutual past; to Peter, there was none.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - not just gone. Never happened.
And to my other brother - at least, to his wife - they all did their part for Mom every bit as well as I did mine. Couldn't fault what she said, even the first time I read it. She referenced roles, and in that she was spot on. In Mom's eyes & heart, the only part they had to play was to be present, at least in some way, in her life. Anything more they did was gravy.
Not exactly the sort of environment for legacy leaving, especially given the fact that John & I don't have children of our own. Guess it made sense that i never gave legacy leaving much thought.
Until now. Until 5:05 a.m. this morning. Because leaving a legacy is every bit as important as Dr. Covey described. And just because I don't have close family ties with my surviving siblings, don't have family of my own to influence & leave a lasting legacy of love & whatever else, doesn't bar the way to making a difference, to leaving a vital something for someone.
Maybe it wasn't possible to ponder the importance of legacy building until after achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence. In my birth family, there just wasn't a sense of any sort of congruence. Didn't discover until Mom's final weeks, that one of her deepest, more essential beliefs was a complete screw-up of a core teaching in our church - that a person's actions & intentions need to be in alignment.
Many's the time I heard ministers teach about the importance of our intentions being in agreement with our actions, that our actions had no meaning if not in alignment with our intentions. Somehow, Mom interpreted that as saying that our intentions were more important than our actions. Many a time, she'd tell me, "I hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying. And I'm going to do this (something completely opposite)." And it always made sense to her - she agreed with me; what did it matter what her actions were? She was baffled & hurt when I'd flip out at her & she'd say, in a genuinely wounded wail, "But I agreed with you!". To Mom, intention was everything; a piddly thing like action? Bah! God gave that secondary importance. She could never understand why I couldn't get it. Everyone else did. Of course they did - she kept doing what they wanted, while agreeing with me.
Not an environment conducive to any sort of congruence!
They are my family & helped form the person I was. But I married John.
And John is all about natural congruence.
What goes on in his internal life is consistent with what he says & does in his external one. It's not that John taught me how to be congruent, he simply modeled healthy behaviors that I could mirror. He never pushed; just showed a different way & left it for me to make changes, or not. I doubt he had a clue of how deeply he changed my life, how much he made it possible for me to develop a sense of personal integrity.
Building & leaving a legacy. In some ways, John & I are building a lasting legacy in our marriage. After 25 years together, we are happy, and that is a pretty darn good role model for a lot of people, of any age, to see. We have fun together, we connect. And we learn together & from each other.
If our marriage - it's light-hearted nature, deeply rooted caring, forever loving - is the only legacy I/we leave behind, that's okay with me.
But.... Dr. Covey was spot on - leaving a personal legacy is fundamental to human fulfillment, is part of "our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution."
Maybe we can't consciously set out to leave a specific legacy, maybe it just happens - or doesn't - because of how we live our life.
I'd like to leave a legacy of a more embracing expanding empowering elder culture, if only in my own neck of the woods, and will do everything I can to make that happen. Whether it turns out to be a lasting legacy or not, hopefully some good will come.
I'd like to leave a legacy of people who know how much I care about them. Might happen, might not. But living my life in a way that makes it possible will benefit me - and hopefully others - no matter what.
Maybe a reality of living with a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence & contribution simply makes it possible to leave behind that lasting legacy that touches the ages. Don't worry about leaving a legacy, just life a legacy-worthy life. As Dr. Covey would say, that's win-win all the way!
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