power of KNOWING

It never fails to amaze me, how just knowing that someone gets what's happening in my life, the good stuff & the challenging, is so moving.

Almost half a lifetime ago, Louise Doering Stevens comforted me, distraught at someone slamming me for harboring hidden agendas, by observing that I was one of the most "what you see is what you get" people she knew.

Almost thirty years ago, I learned a great disadvantage of NOT having an unspoken personal agenda is that when you don't have one, people tend to ascribe their own image of what it must be.  Quite the eye opener.

Fact is that I've always been pretty transparent, perhaps more than is wise.  If there's something I feel strongly about, am going to talk about it.  If there's someone I care about, am going to do all that is in my power to help them out, even if that means being a bit more open than they might like.  

Have always, from my youngest years, believed in the power of knowing.  Sometimes, just knowing my truth of a situation was enough to get me through it, even if it was lousy & beyond my ability to change.  

Writing a recent tip-of-the-hat to my long-gone father reminded me of that.  It didn't matter what he could do or couldn't do, what mattered in the end was realizing that he saw things in a clear light, without sentimentality or judgment.  That mattered - still does.  

30+ years ago, met with a minister about a situation at home, a delicate situation, involving a sibling he held dear to his heart;  I worried he'd have trouble accepting my challenges.  It truly did feel like a great weight lifted off my shoulders when he made it clear that he knew.  Couldn't take his counsel - move out of your family's shadow, get a life of your own - yet felt liberated just knowing at least one other person who mattered to me, whose opinion I valued, a clear-sighted straight-talker,  KNEW.

For all of my married life, have been blessed by the love of a man who has never - okay, only once - made so much as a negative crack about my siblings.  That matters to me.  He sees them as he sees them, without commentary.  Even if I get distressed, he doesn't diss them or excuse them.  That matters to me - a lot.

Having someone who grasps the power of knowing has been a life changer.  I still tend to turn against myself if distressed with others.  One time stands out in memory, early in our marriage.  Furious at John, I flew upstairs & emptied out half of the master bedroom closet.  John came upstairs to find me panting with exertion.  He looked at the clothing strewn across the bedroom floor, then looked back at me.  

"You're upset at me," was his only comment.  

I nodded my head in frantic agreement.  

"You're upset at ME," he repeated, a slight change in emphasis.  

This time, I cried out, "YES!"  

To which he responded, "So, why did you throw all of YOUR clothes out of the closet?"   

He didn't embrace me, didn't try to make me feel better - all he did was let me know that he knew.  And through his knowing, I was able to know, too.

Sometimes - a LOT of times - there's nothing I can do to make a situation better.  Especially in times of grief & loss, in times of conflict without easy resolution, when a friend is wracked with pain.  

Sometimes the only thing to do is also the most powerful - just knowing.