A room of my own

Am back to Day One in my Making a Change for Good daily journal.  Mind so full of Dad's 04/22 birthday, didn't give it a single thought.  And I am happy to be starting fresh.

Maybe because I am feeling refreshed.  A renewed beginning feels welcome.  Not a new one - what I bring to my current journal writing brings everything that came before, along with a fresh awareness.

I am a woman in search of a room of my own.  In all the homes I've lived in over the years, only two rooms gave me a sense of peace welcome belonging - the kitchen at Cherry Lane & the living room at Woodland Road.  And both of them were communal rooms.

We all need a room of our own, even if it's only our mind.  Which is the place where I've been least likely to feel a sense of peace welcome belonging.  Until now.  

It all - the Great Awakening - started with a calendar I coordinated for a wonderful woman, a pleasant acquaintance, who moved far away.  Seemed to me that having a calendar crafted by a range of her friends would make her feel more connected to a community that loved & missed her.  And it was a great idea.  Which never happened.  Every obstacle loomed up, keeping it from ever coming to completion.  To this day, I don't know where the file with the artwork is.  Felt like the hells in full battle array, keeping a wonderful outreach from happening.  The power of resistance felt downright tangible - this loving idea was never going to happen.  And it hasn't, over 18 months later.  

Sheez...

Other illustrations of my inner struggle are out there, but none so bold, so visceral as the calendar.  Something in me resists resists resists.  And it is real.  And it is as vulnerable as it is visceral.  

Visceral - that word worked its way into this posting.  It was as right as it was unclear in meaning.  YES, my deepest self really IS connected to finding a sense of wholeness.  Because "visceral" turns out to be the exact right word for where I have been.  It doesn't mean basic fundamental primary, which is what I sort of assumed.  Far from it.  When something's visceral, you feel it in your guts. A visceral feeling is intuitive — there might not be a rational explanation, but you feel that you know what's best.  Yep, that sums it up.  You feel like you know what's best.  Even when it's the polar opposite of sanity, as has been my experience.

Here's my 04/23/14 logical rational sensible reality in its simplest form - what's best for me is having a room of my own.  A room where I feel a sense of welcome, of belonging, of being at peace with myself & the world.  


As my John would say, getting to stripped-down-to-essentials awareness took as long as it took.  He taught me there's no slapping time schedules on getting clarity, all we can do is summon up the energy & will to set aside obstacles & obstructions.  

Maybe it's finally time to have a room of my own in our house because I've finally made a room of my own in my heart.