Appreciation. Great word. Am lucky to be able to appreciate all that my brothers & sister brought into my life.
It was soul satisfying to discover that Laurie Kramer, professor of applied family studies, supports my long-held belief that siblings can have even more influence over an individual's development than parents.
Sheez, can I relate to that!
Mom was a dim star in my universe, compared to my older sister's dazzling sun. If a message from Mom countered one from Mim (8 years older & utterly completely totally adored), Mom's was trashed & Mim's was treasured.
One of the greatest things I've learned over the years is that there are as many images of family as there are people within it. If you were to put my family - two parents, three brothers, two sisters - in separate rooms with a lap top & instructions to write out a description of our family, there would be seven sometimes wildly different accounts of who we are & how we interact.
But the reality of massive diversity tends to be ignored, much to the detriment of all. In my family, it seems to me there are two things my sister & two surviving brothers absolutely postively agree on - they all think that John is the brother they deserve & none of them like me. That's my take. Is it true? Does it matter?
What we perceive - particularly with family - is what drives us. For decades, I felt that the only value I brought to my family was what I could do for them in any given moment. If felt like if they needed me, I was part of the family; if they didn't... But for years, I've also felt that none of them feel particularly connected to each other, so why should they be any different with me? If that's even the way they are.
My siblings are, unlike me, very private people. My sister & my oldest brother seem to find life difficult, a far greater challenge than I can imagine. On the other hand, I was born a Little Suzie Sunshine. From my earliest days, my expectation was that life was good, we are born to be happy & we are meant to be supportive of others as well as ourselves. It's no wonder they seem to have problems relating to me, while I continue to think they're the cat's whiskers.
Unfortunately for my parents, the messages I received from my sister & oldest brother - particularly my sister - were far more powerful than anything they had to offer. Luckily, the very thing that made their messages all the more powerful - the range of age between Peter & Mim and me (14 & 8 years older, respectively) - is what also provided the natural distance that helped me experience family life in a somewhat detached manner. I was soaking in messages (sent or not) and observing, at the same time. That would ultimately be my salvation.
Frankly, after Ian died, I was a mess. He was accidentally killed on Easter Monday, playing at a friend's house. If it happened today, the family would have gone into the counseling, even his classmates would have been considered potentially affected by the sudden, shocking loss. But this was 1959 - such responses were unimaginable. We were all left to process it in our own ways.
That still shocks me. Being raised with both feet firmly in the Therapeutic Age, it is incomprehensible that only one person - a minister - seemed to have the slightest clue that maybe, just maybe my brother's death might rip apart our sense of family, might damage our individual sense of self. But no alarms were raised, the damage was just quietly done.
In many ways, I seem the luckiest of the Lockharts. For whatever reason, from whatever source, I've always been driven to scope out challenges, analyze personal dynamics, talk out problems. For many years, this was far from a blessing, as it was the absolute opposite of my sibs & parents. Doesn't make them wrong, doesn't make me wrong, just makes us different. And at odds. Sadly, I didn't see that, not for decades & decades. I saw them as the right way to be & myself as the wrong, the abysmally wrong way.
How glorious to be older, with the perspective of decades to look back over family trials & travails to see the humanity of the players. At 62, I can appreciate the influence my older sibs - particularly my sister & oldest brother - had on my personal development.
And that's about as far as I can go.
Everything I know about family, about our family, is true for me & me alone. Instead of bashing my head against the wall in frustration over family issues, I'm free to take the many blessings that have come my way thanks to being their sib & let the rest be what it is - subjective & possibly utterly out of whack with anything that actually happened.
For good, for ill, for in between - serve as the most awesome petri dish for human dynamics. What we take away from our parents, our siblings, our aunts & uncles & cousins can illuminate & deepen everything in our life. It's not all about them, not all about us; it's all about living & learning & growing.
That's what I'll share with Dr. Kramer, if she ever comes knocking to ask my opinion. We have the families we have so can apply what they've taught & shown ~ always always always remembering it cuts both ways. May I have been a blessing in my siblings lives, as they have been & continue to be in mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment