Had it half-way written, when I froze. It's not a matter of doing in the future. I've been conventionally successful numerous times, living out a true north purpose. Am taking this moment to realize that fact & let it soak in. Because it is helpful & healthful - not boastful & arrogant - to do that occasionally.
From everything I experienced of my sister, that was something Mim could not do. She denigrated the many accomplishments she made over a remarkable stretch of years & never seemed to accept that others saw her as gifted & graced. Literally to her final days, Mim's deepest belief seemed to be that others didn't believe in her.
It wasn't that Mim wouldn't see how singularly remarkable she was - she couldn't. For years, I described her to Mom as a black hole - every positive thing shared with her, every glowing compliment, was swallowed up in the darkness. Even sadder was the fact that Mim distrusted anyone who insisted on stating that she was in any way special, graced with enviable talents & abilities.
It's small wonder that she considered me the most vile, black-souled of all liars. Because she couldn't get me to tow the line. I would not stop shouting from the rooftops that she was a golden visionary with a peerless mind, an inspired soul, a bounty of skills & talents. That's what I experienced growing up, that's who wowed her family & others.
The only person who couldn't see it was Mim. Her little sis could see the countless accomplishments, large & small. Mim could not. COULD not. And because she couldn't, believed me to be the darkest of liars. I said she was awesome & she knew she was not.
I did not make life easy for Mim. Which didn't bother me, because only the treasured few made life easier for Mim. Mim didn't believe that life was meant to be easy. She once told Mom that she wasn't cut out for the happiness others seek. She once told me that only things that cause some modicum of pain have any value - nothing I did had any, because everything seemed done with joy. She said that it didn't make sense to have nice things, because the more we had, the more could be taken away. This is not a philosophy that leads to prosperity, at least not in the conventional sense.
Still, over the years, when people commented what a pity it was that Mim never developed her potential - "Think of all the lives she might have touched." - I'd always remind them, "We don't know."
Who knows what lives were forever touched by someone's contact with Mim? She didn't have a life that would have satisfied me, but it seemed to be what she wanted. Mim didn't get where she was by default. It was, as far as I could tell, where she wanted to be.
Guessing from the stories I heard around the center where she last lived, from the staff who cared for her over those last days at the Toms River Medical Center, Mim was making a lasting impression to the very end of her days. More people who saw the light that surrounded her.
This post started out being about setting out to be a conventional success, something Mim never sought. Writing that first sentence, it hit me that I've been a conventional success, numerous times. It hit me that Mim couldn't see how her successes, stretching over 60 years, had touched lives which touched lives which touched...
This long ramble is me saying that from this time forward, I will do my best to see where I've made a difference - and build on it. I will do my best to help others see their gifts & graces - without embellishment or puffery - even if they resist resist resist.
Thank you for the opportunity to write a "Mim memory du jour." Started to while away the time between now & posting her online memorial service, they have become a deeply spiritual experience. And fun! Often, am waking up in the wee small hours of the morning with some long-forgotten memory of Mim driving a van filled with kids up to Maple Leaf Academy or rambles up to Suburban Diner for a midnight cup of coffee & slice of pie or making her Tow Path Special cake for a Girls Day competition. And from those memories are coming new insights, fresh appreciations.
Remembering them, writing them, gives me the opportunity to do what Mim could not - honor her many accomplishments, celebrate her unique quality of mind, even bemoan her disbelief of how much she always was, always will be seen appreciated valued by countless family, friends & fans.
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