One of the most challenging lessons I've learned in this life is to NOT make an issue of something when it's no longer active (to whit - don't bring it up the next day or the next week or the next month). Instead of thinking "Oh, I should have said this or that & saying it afterward, wait. If it's really an issue, it will rear its head again. If it doesn't, then it wasn't an issue.
I've been back in contact with my oldest brother - after years of no communication on either side - since December 2014. On his mid-December birthday, John & I dropped off Peter's beloved Chicken Schezuan (sp?) to the health & rehab center where he lives, about a 45-minute drive from Squirrel Haven. We got a fancy birthday bag & balloon to really spiff it up. The kindly woman at the front desk was surprised we were skeedaddling right away, rather than handing it to Peter ourselves. I explained, "There's no telling how my big bro feels about me now, but for YEARS he seemed to experience me like fingernails on a chalkboard." She gave an understanding smile John & I headed out.
That was the start of a gradual reconnection. Peter asked us if we'd bring over more take-out (his treat) & share it with him. As we were about to head out for Norristown, a call came from PRL - would we be willing to take him out for a spot of shopping before we sat down to dinner?
Having a heads up (rather than being asked on arrival) worked out perfectly - John & I discussed it on the way over & agreed it would be a no-go if I drove (too much like an old, unhealthy dynamic), but there was no problem with my hubmeister driving his b-i-l while I waited, reading, in the foyer of Peter's residence.
The second time we were invited for Chinese take-out (again, on Peter), I called ahead of time to see if he wanted to go on a drive or had any errands he'd like to run. Peter was delighted & off we went - all three of us - back to Walmart.
About two weeks ago, he called to say he wanted to take us to a terrific Chinese restaurant in his neighborhood. He was sure we'd LOVE it. Oh, and by the way, maybe we could run a few errands with him before sitting down with our chopsticks. I checked with John & he was fine taking Peter wherever he needed to go, then they'd swing by to pick me up (reading, in the foyer of PRL's residence) to go out to supper. We were free Saturday afternoons - or - all day Sunday, after church.
A few days later, we got a phone call from Peter. Her realized that he had to go to the bank, so he had to go on a WEEK day. Which day would suit me best?
We could have fit it in if Peter lived in Huntingdon Valley or even Jenkintown or Glenside, but Norristown is not only about 45 minutes from here, it can be a clogged drive on a work day. Our schedules are just too busy, with not enough gaps of time between events, to get over.
Oh, by the way - the promise of the Chinese food never came up. The focus was all on the errands to be run.
Just talked to my oldest bro. Called him with a Happy Birthday, Campbell! call (his oldest granddaughter, currently residing all the way in Melbourne, AU, turned 13 today). After correcting me - pointing out that it was no longer her birthday, because she celebrated in Australia where it is now 08/08/15 - and my correcting him right back - yes, but she was BORN in the USA, so it is still the right day - we got down to the question of available wheels. I explained about our schedules, reminded him about the distance factor, and regretted that we'd happily come out on a Saturday afternoon or Sundays, after church, but weekdays are just a no-go. I did not mention the original reason for him inviting us over - the dangled Chinese food - or the errands, just gave our availability.
Peter's response was to the point - "Well, then I guess I have to cross you off my transportation list." End of conversation. Click.
Hanging up, I offered thanks to the long long years that have taught me well! The first time he invited us over, then called just before we headed out with his, "Could you...?", I felt almost nauseous with a rush of old, sad memories - but I didn't make an issue out of it, simply made it work in a way where the errand was run & I didn't feel... less. The second time, I asked him if he had errands to run & was fine with doing it. This third time, I didn't have the opportunity to ask - Peter paused for the barest moment before tagging must-do errands with the dinner invitation.
If we could have made it out on a week day, we would have. We just can't. So, John & I & Gibbs (our stout-hearted & true Concorde) are struck from a transportation list we never volunteered for in the first place.
Will we get another invitation out for the highly tauted Chinese dinner, sans any errand runs? Time will tell.
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