spin cycle

As we prepared to leave a Center City restaurant with a grannie client, I explained to John that I would go ahead, get the car from the parking lot, meeting them at the well-lit, pavement entrance.  

When the three of us went out onto the Chestnut Street sidewalk, I made sure he had her arm, then reinforced that while I would be walking briskly, there was no need for them to rush - I would pick up the car & meet them at the well-lit entrance.

When I had crossed the street, I looked back to where John & our older friend were, getting ready to cross the road.  I looked straight at John, who looked straight at me, and said, very loudly & pointing very broadly to the pavement next to where I was standing, "I will meet your RIGHT here!"  He smiled & shouted, "Okay."

Walking carefully, I made my way through the very dark, somewhat bumpy (but extremely conveniently located) parking to our car.  Got in, turned on the ignition, slowly pulled out & turned right toward the Chestnut Street sidewalk.

Looking, ahead & to my right - no sign of John & my g.c. on the pavement.  Startled, I looked over to my right, in the darkly lit parking lot.  There, about 10 feet in, only viewable because my g.c.'s tan coat looked ghostly, were the two of them.  Many feet from where I'd indicated.

We went through the usual drill.  John hadn't heard what I said.  It wasn't that he hadn't heard what I'd said, but that he hadn't seen my gesture.  It wasn't that he hadn't seen my gesture but that my grannie client had insisted on walking into the darkly lit parking lot & he was powerless to stop her.

Every reason in the world except the one that I suspect is the truth - what I said, what I gestured, just wasn't processed.  He LOOKED like it had been heard, his response gave the impression he'd HEARD what I'd said, I certainly had repeated myself - at least three times - to feel some assurance that THIS time my message was not only heard but received processed understood.  

But John is a lazy thinker.  Has been since we first fell in love.  He just doesn't bother making all the connections.  It can be experienced in a variety of ways, but they all boil down to him not investing enough energy for the message - whatever it might be - to register.  Because of that, he forgets.  Or he hears, but is already focused on doing something that doesn't really click with the request.  

From almost our very first days, there's been one thing almost above all others that I've known in the depths of my soul, the very sinew of my being - John would do anything for me...  as long as it is convenient.  As long as it doesn't require him going outside his comfort zone.  As long as he doesn't have to think.  

It might be a guy thing, or peculiar to John, but it's been prevalent since forever.  My problem with it isn't that he is blowing me off & that he doesn't listen to me - it's that the hallmark trait has put me at risk, tonight put a grannie client at risk.  I wanted to pick them up RIGHT there, because anywhere further into the parking lot posed potential dangers to an elderly woman who could easily trip & fall in the dark.  

John went through all the different scenarios for why they walked into the parking lot.  Each time one didn't quite hold water, he came up with another.  Finally, it wasn't him at all - it was the GRANNIE CLIENT who dun it, he just followed.  

Ah, the litany of possibilities.  It was my fault - he didn't see me, he didn't hear me, he thought I'd just indicated a general "here," he didn't realize what I meant by "right here."  It was my g.c's fault - she was the one who ventured, solo, ten feet into the garage, with him following.  My comment in the restaurant, on the restaurant sidewalk giving a play-by-play of what I would be doing to ensure a simple, safe pick up - looked like they were registering, but didn't.

When things go awry, whether minor or major, John almost always (I praise any aberations) goes directly into spin cycle, keeping at it with amazing persistence & creativity until he latches onto a story that either satisfies him or leaves him so confused he safely doesn't have a clue what any of it was about.  

Whew!  

Imagine investing those energies into recognizing the situation, seeing the problem, realizing his role in it (blessedly clear this time), and addressing it so that it doesn't come up yet again.  

The reality is that there's nothing I can do about a problem that isn't mine.  Can continue doing what I did tonight - based on previous experience & requests from John  - which is to give the same key message multiple times, in different formats or modes if at all possible.  Looking back over tonight, can't think of a thing that could have been done differently in order to get a better outcome.  

I could get all in a lather & go into a spin of self-hatred & loathing, or I can realize that... hey, I gave it my best shot.  Does the spin doctor leave me constantly vulnerable to the consequences of his not taking the whatever to process what I say?  Absolutely.  But tain't nothin' I can do about it, other than my best.  

Wow - amazing, how liberating it is, realizing, "Hey, kiddo - ya gave it your bes shot.  In this situation, your husband, the spin doctor, is a putz."