Thursday, November 13, 2014

if you don't know the why - spin, spin, spin

...There's no way you can change a negative action.

John has no concept of why he totally steps away from important conversations & requests.  Tonight, it was him drawing one fantastic dragonfly to use for the Bryn Athyn Craft Sale & totally forgetting a) that I'd requested, many moons ago, three dragonflies or fantastic insects of his choosing and even b) that I'd requested it FOR the craft sale.

As John recalls, I asked him to draw the dragonfly, but he knew not why.  Oh, no - he knew that I wanted it for the pale green frame.  But not that I wanted it for the craft sale.  Well, yes - he knew that I wanted him to do it so that we could sell the print of the dragonfly in the pale green frame, but he had no idea that I wanted to sell it at the Bryn Athyn Craft Sale, for which he had given me the check for the entrance feel two weeks ago.  

He had no memory or at least any connection between my request & the craft sale.  He had no memory or at least any connection between my many comments about the craft sale & him doing anything to sell there.   He knew there was a craft sale & he knew that we were participating, that he would have the balk of the vendor space but he didn't make a connection between real life & the theoretical.

John has no idea why he has these massive disconnects.  And he cannot change what he does without knowing.  If he did it intentionally, there'd be some home of change.  

The hard part on me isn't the being totally blown off when it really deeply profoundly matters, as in the situation with the craft sale.  It's when he doesn't want to feel badly about utterly dissing me & expects me to be okay with it, to move forward with our plans for the craft sale  - which I won't do - just so he can feel better about letting putting what he wanted to do (a drawing of a bassett hound with an expression he finds particularly appealing) totally & utterly eclipse what made actual financial sense.  Even if he didn't draw the insects, he could have started Margo Langlotz' dogs, which are over two years late.

I am supposed to feel better because he had no idea he was screwing us both. That is supposed to make me feel better.  No, it leaves me wondering when the axe will fall, yet again.  

One thing I am very pleased with is realizing that this problem may affect me, but it doesn't involve me.  Once, I believed if a message was presented in just the right way, it would sink in, find permanent residence in his consciousness.  It leaves me in dismay, but no longer drives me to utter distraction.  Perhaps because, as illogical as it seems, now I understand the root is totally off-the-charts gonzo.   

It really helps to blog these moments.  Doesn't change anything, but helps.

We are not doing the Craft Sale.  Will check with Gretchen to see if it is okay if I do a cookie walk - if not, we will just cancel.  

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