Can't believe that I STILL do this

Just last month, did something that didn't strike me - until yesterday - as seriously strange.  

The cremation service that was, with great respect & dignity, handling Mim's earthly remains, asked what sort of urn to use to transport the ashes from NJ to PA.  It didn't matter in the slightest to me, since ashes aren't her laugh or her bashful manner or insightful mind.  I told them to just go the simplest route.

Then, a mega light bulb blazed - I didn't care & neither of my brothers were involved in the decision process, so let the choice be based on whatever best served the cremation service.  Told them to pick out whichever urn gave THEM the best price points, the one that would be the most profitable.  

 

What took me aback yesterday was remembering how I prefaced my instructions - "In deciding, I thought, 'What would Mim do?  Here's what she would have wanted..."   

FACT:  I haven't a clue what Mim wanted.  But it was smart, served the purpose AND benefited the crematorium service.  For as long as I can recall, I immediately attributed to Mim's influence any thing that was remotely clever on my part.  Here I am, 63 years old, and still doing that - amazing.

It's not just that I deflect any inkling of being savvy - think how downright weird it would come across to anyone making the comment.  Have GOT to get past that funky, ingrained reaction to compliments. 

My success as the Cupcake Lady?  Immediately attributed to Mim.  How the house looks this Christmas?  In my head, I immediately lay the credit at Mim's creative feet. 

In my head, all my creativity & cleverness & effective imagining doesn't come from inside me, but all links back to Mim.  Think about it - in my mid-60s, my tendency is still to turn back to Mim credit for anything I do that smacks of being creative or unusually imaginative or wow in any way.  That's just goofy!

All of us have our influences.  Plural.  Sure, my older sister was an immense influence in my life, but that influence - along with countless others - integrated into my own creativity at MY discretion.  Never, not until this very moment, did it occur to me that her creativity was nurtured by influenced by "not Mim" sources.  Like most normal people, she didn't attribute success to them or other influences.  She just said a barely audible, "Thanks."  

Batting back compliments to Mim sets up little walls between me & others.  Receive a compliment & instead of just saying, "Thank you," hand the praise over to an absent sister.  Definitely off-kilter.  

What the cremation service picked out left me stunned with amazement & gratitude.  It's not an urn at all, but a massive square casket, larger than I expected, 12" on each side, 8" high, crafted of warmly burnished red wood.  Simple, elegant, stunning.  

In basing the decision on what worked best for the folks at Ocean County Cremation Service, the absolute right choice emerged.  

Even now, my instinct is to deflect that decision back to Mim - "just doing what she would have suggested."  How would I know?  We never discussed such matters.  I haven't a clue what Mim might have done if the roles were reversed. However, I am thankful that my decision worked out so well for everyone.