people change

A dear friend was uncomfortable with my writing anything but happy memories of my sister, Mim.  "Even if the two of you had your problems, people change.  You need to give her credit for changing, for growing, for the relationship between the two of you growing as it did over the past couple years."

Good advice.  And I took it to heart, thought about it long & hard, then realized my good friend could not fathom that one of the great constants over the years was that Mim's feelings toward me apparently remained the same.  She didn't like me.  Tolerated when necessary.  In the last few years, perhaps appreciated.  But if she liked me, it was a far different definition of the word than how I use it.

Now, I know that is hard for people who saw us in her pre-MSW days to accept.  In my teens, twenties & early thirties, we were practically joined at the hip.  So much so that someone I considered a super close friend clarified reality - "I'm not close friends with YOU.  I'm close to all three - you, Mim & 'Aunt' Kay."

That was a bit of a shocker.  But then, a lot of people in my little hometown thought of us as Mim Elsa Mrs. Lockhart.  

Once Mim got her Masters from Rutgers, she could let herself own feelings that were ... inconvenient until then.  It was after she got her Masters that she could acknowledge, "Don't like you.  Never did." 

Praise be, I'd known that for many many many years.  From an early age, I understood that Mim did things with me because of availability, not affection.  Until her late thirties, she didn't have close friends who lived near by, people she could bop with up to NYC or off to the shore, who was up for going into Philadelphia every day of 1976's Bicentennial Week or to make a mad dash to Lock Haven.  But I knew.  By the time I was eleven, it was clear.

"But that was so many years ago.  She changed so much in the last thirty years."  My friend was right - Mim did change a lot since the late '70s.  But certain things seemed to stay the same.  Her attitude about me & her ability to make the most devastating comments.

When I was ten, she confided in me, "When I get married, I'm going to have Wynne in my wedding & Lark in my wedding.  I'm going to have Fawn in my wedding & Brooke & Beth.  I'm even going to have Star in my wedding, and she is just a toddler.  But I am not going to have you in my wedding."

When I was around 45, years after getting married to John, Mim confided in me, "I bet you think I talk to my psychologist about you.  I never talk about you, about out relationship.  Ever."    

Okay, that last was almost twenty years ago & it's possible that Mim changed significantly between 1985 & 2015 - but I personally doubt it.  Although she didn't make any devastating digs over those final years, she did something gut wrenching - unless she needed something done, I was typically left out of the loop if she had a medical crisis. Shut out.

I thank the Universe for that last moment, for stroking her hair as I thought she slept, not realizing she was gone.  To touch her & not have her shrink back.  An unexpected, priceless gift.  

People do change.  It would be nice to think that Mim did.  But I wonder.  Before Mim could feel at peace with being fond of me, she had to feel the same about herself.  She was so suited up in "don't get near me" armor, I doubt that was possible.  

Brene says you can't love others if you don't love yourself.  Mom, my brothers, the rest of the family seemed fine with Mim as she was.  I saw someone crying out for help, someone who saw herself as utterly UN.  Saw it when I was a kid of ten, saw it through my teens, into my twenties & thirties, my forties & beyond.  I never could break through, but not for lack of trying.  In that, I never changed.