old habits die hard

In my case, "die" is certainly the key word.

Since forever, my way of responding to emotional stress with people I love is to lash out self-destructively.

This never dawned on me until marrying John.  One time, I was torn up by some emotional crisis with him, went upstairs & threw all the clothes out of one side of the master bedroom closet.  John came up, found me frazzed by the exertion - lot of clothes - standing in the closet doorway.

Now, John is not one for beating anyone over the head with judgment.  His style is more to let the other person come to a realization on his - my - own.

He looked at me in the doorway, panting with the effort, looked at the clothes piled in a heap on the floor.

"You're upset at me, aren't you?" he asked.

"YES!!!"

"You're upset at me," he repeated.

"YES!!!!!!"

At which point he looked me full in the eyes, with a loving, tender look, and asked, "So, why did you throw all of your clothes out of the closet."

I remember being initially dumbfounded - didn't it make sense.  Then, without him saying anything else, saw the whole picture.  When I got upset at him, I lashed out at me.

Same thing happened when Mim did something emotionally devasting.  John came upstairs to find me crumpling my precious collection of New Yorker cartoons, clipped out over years.  He comforted me, waited for me to move on, then gathered up the balled up wads of paper & later ironed them out.


Realized this a.m. that I am back to my own self-punishing ways.  Woke up to labored breathing, tingling head.

It's been a difficult month in our relationship.  My guess is we've gotten to a point where we can look at tough issues that were too delicate before for a penetrating gaze, but acknowledging & trying to work on them - not an easy thing - has been tough.  And I have taken it out on myself.  This time with my diet.  Prime rib, french dip sandwich, bbq spareribs, hamburger & a Bahama Mama hot dog.  Not on consecutive days, but within the past few weeks.  

Old habits die hard, but giving into this one could kill me.  Just a little stupid eating & my blood pressure zoomed back up.  

There is so much right in my life, so little to cause stress, yet the little can seem so oversized - illusion, but a darned effective one.  

Let the love in.  It's real.  Everything else is illusion.  Dangerous, but illusion.  Look out in around to the light.