In her closing years, Mom came in contact with what she experienced as "homecoming" AH HAs. Reading Brene Brown, I get a sense of what she felt reading Nathaniel Brandon, Marianne Williamson, John Bradshaw & the rest of her bookshelf mentors.
Brene helps me understand my deep, often buried, truths. And she makes me feel a better sense of understanding my sister, a stronger empathy, a keener appreciation of all she went through that I'll never understand but can always put a loving arm around.
Brene helps me better comprehend the deep divide between an older sister who was my sun moon stars for almost 25 years and me myself & I, by clearly outlining what I found natural & Mim experienced as terrifying.
Brene helps me come to terms with the interminably confusing with on simple acronym - B R A V I N G.
B oundaries
R eliability
A ccountability
V ault
I ntegrity
N on-judgement
G enerosity
Boundaries - Our family had nil concept of boundaries. Some members were all boundaries, which the rest were expected to utterly honor & respect. Even in my 40s, even after marrying, I had no sense of where others left off & I began. Praise be, I always had the gift of HEARING myself -and - that Christmas 1989 & Easter 1990 provided two huge flashes of illuminating boundary-related insight that set me on a better-fenced path.
Reliability - I continue to be plagued with an inclination toward unreliability. There are people from the first half of my life who very possibly will NEVER think of me as reliable. Small wonder. Follow-through was never an admired quality in my upbringing. My mother believed that her religion taught that a person's intention matters more than what we ultimately do. When did I discover she held devoutly to that messed up article of faith? In her last weeks, over long talking jags at INOVA/Alexandria & St. Mary's.
Accountability - Heavy sigh.... Imagine growing up in a situation where there was no accountability. Where people could do the most ghastly thing, but as long as they say the magic words, all is forgotten. That drove me nuts.
Vault - This word was new to me & frankly I consider it a stretch on Brene's part, looking for a term that fit her acronym. Apparently, vaunt means "not sharing experiences that aren't ours to share. Embracing empathy instead of being mean spirited. High drama & low gossip might fuel our enegies, but they dampen our spirit & diminish our soul.
Integrity - How do we feel any sense of integrity when we feel, at our core, every sort of awful, vile, dirty? A couple years after I found my John, the outside force who helped connect me to my inside salvation, I shared with a counselor my personal view of my deepest self - dark,irreparably tainted, lying whore. And in saying those words out loud, was able to see their falsity. That was possible because my sense of integrity was stronger than the images I'd been fed for most of my life. There are many things I will never be able to grasp about my sister & oldest brother, but there is one about which I have no doubt - they never seemed to me to have any sense of ease with an inner integrity. To me, they defined self-loathing.
Non-judgement - Oh my gosh. Non-judgement. Peter & Mim steeped in judgement. It's impossible to explain how judgement was THE living, breathing part of every conversation without our home. Looking back, it feels like close to every family discussion that I can recall included some aspect of cynicism, withering criticism & forever presenting self as better than whoever/whatever was being discussed.
Generosity - Ah, the potentially healing opposite of judgement. Allowing ourselves to be emotionally generous with others. To think to ourselves - from our heart & gut - "They did/are doing their best" when all we want to do is to slam judge condemn.
Okay, that WAS my b.r.a.v.i.n.g. the elements experience. If you want to find out about my current experience with boundaries, reliability, vaunt, integrity, non-judgement & generosity, check out Becoming Who You Are. And here's the truly coolest thing of all, coming to a stronger braving - what I'm finding is that the more I can look at my family's difficulties, the less judgemental I am about them, the more I want to cradle their hearts.
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