Roger's parting gift - The Big CLICK!

 

Forty years ago, three very pleasant acquaintances - Lach, Roger & Rob - gave me a personal insight that was my first AH HA! moment, my first-ever, full-conscious awareness that life as I was then living, as I'd lived all my life to that moment, featured some serious malfunctions.  That personal insight took a lot of courage & deep friendship on their part to share & my hearing it, recognizing its truth, marked my first quantum leap out of what was into what finally is.  


Roger left us - at least physically - earlier this month.  In his parting, he left me a gift, the big CLICK! that marked the final end of the first part of my Big Quest for a sense of my true self.  What a quintessentially Roger thing to do, one last treasure on his way out the door!

In tribute to Roger, last week friends gathered in our community kitchen for a mega cook-off, making food to distribute to people who needed a little TLC for other reasons.  It was something he loved to help out with, so a great way to give thanks for his life.  I wanted so much to go.   Cooking?  For a greater good?  Right up my alley.

But I didn't go.  Had the time, had the desire.  But something held me back, as it typically does.  But this time, the desire was so great & the deterrent so strong, for the first time I could actually FEEL it, a rough hand barring me from heading to where my conscious self wanted to go.

And in that moment, a great truth about myself that's eluded me for decades hit like a ton of bricks - I am a participation-phobe.  Yes, my soul rings with the desire for wholeness, for a sense of belonging, for community.  But way way way down deep is a heretofore undetected FEAR of participating.  A fear that squelched my desire from growing into more.

I am a participation-phobe.  Even in my own life. 

A zillion lights clicked on with that realization, along with a HUGE sigh of relief.  Vast swatches of my life never made sense.  Now, they do.  

Praise be, participation-phobia is just a fear which can be faced & overcome.  But first, it had to be made visible.  My body totally balking at joining into the Pay It Forward cooking event paying sweet (& tasty) tribute to Roger turned out to be the long sought for, sorely absent MEGA reveal.

For the past ten years, maybe more, have marveled that in spite of strides made in getting a better sense of who I am, something major eluded my awareness.  It felt like a switch that just wouldn't turn on.  And then Roger left us, I could FEEL the force deterring my desire to join into a tender farewell, and all of a sudden - CLICK!  The switch was thrown, the light turned on, and by jove I think I got it. 

Thanks, Roger, for the great parting gift.  Now that I know, can move past it.  Now that I know, can let go of the fear & see how I am already part of so many greater wholes, can embrace even more.  And I will do so with joyful deep awareness, in tribute to you.

Credits:
SARK