Of the astonishing number of books I've devoured since November, none bothered me, got under my skin, threw me off my game. Until reading Carry On, Warrior: embracing your messy, beautiful life, by Glennon Doyle Melton, my current read. Reading it is brutiful - her word, combining brutal & beautiful.
Over & over, am reminded in many ways of my sister. So many times, have started writing a posting about what it brings to mind. Had one almost finished yesterday, which I deleted.
No idea how it is Glennon's book has brought me to a realization that's as peaceful as it is astonishing. I have to let Mim go.
Because I can't make right whatever was so terribly wrong in her life. I can't continue being frustrated, angry, confused by my family's response to her challenges. Their actions - inactions - that are not going to make anymore sense to me now or tomorrow or next year. It's not likely that either of my brothers will be open about what the hell happened to her that I don't know but that so fiercely ripped open her life & shredded her spirit.
By writing about it, have been trying to come to terms with something that never made sense, that sure won't now. Part of me keeps wanting to try, just like part of me always wanted to help Mim feel... I don't even know what the word is. Intact? Whole? Safe? They & others fall short.
The fact is that Mim wasn't the only one who was busted up. The rest of the family was, too. And they, she did their best to break me.
Why is it reading Glennon's book brings up all these things I want to speak up about, things about Mim that made me feel so sad & helpless & unable to reach out, to help ~AND~ keeps bringing me to realizing that I'm using time to attempt the impossible. If my efforts were useless before 07/03/15, they're utterly futile now.
It's time to release trying to make things better, trying to patch up a family that was smashed up before I entered the picture.
For what's done, it is done. And what's won, it is won. And what's lost, is lost & gone forever.
Don't let myself be lost with it.
Let it be, let it go.
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