honest, open

As sad as I am for Peter for all he lost when Mim died, there are many ways their baby sister can't fill her shoes.  

He called a few days ago, requesting my chauffeuring services for two or three hours this week (make it three or four, factoring in the 40+ minute ride from our house to his place).  Originally planned on going yesterday, but realized that it's truly best to keep Tuesdays the ONE day John & I have to ourselves.

When I called to reschedule - to Saturday - wasn't a problem.  But then...

Could feel Peter smiling as he started recounting some new triumph of his granddaughter, Campbell.  That would be fine with Mim.  More than fine.  She often knew more about what was happening with Whitney & her family than Peter did!  I am another story.

Years ago, for reasons that grieve me but which I respect, Whitney unfriended me on Facebook & every other way.  My niece, who was my maid of honor, is a remarkable woman & a fiercely fabulous Mom;  whatever she feels needs to be done in the best interest of her family is okay with me.  But it hurts, hearing the rare story about her three delightful daughters, usually about Campbell, the oldest.

Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, maybe I should be thrilled to hear anything whenever it might flit my way.  I don't.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.

So, was open & honest.  Told Peter, "I am glad that you have a good relationship with Whitney, but it hurts too much to share the little stories about people who're off limits to me."

Bravo for Peter, who accepted that without rebuke.  He's been told before, but the longing to share the accomplishments of his golden girl's golden girl was too much.  He could have told Mim all about it, no problem.

Part of me is horrified, dressing me down with, "How petty of you.  He needs to have someone who knows the family, if only marginally, with whom to share golden moments."  

Am sure he does, but not me.  It hurts too much.  

Imagine how I'd feel if it the cold shoulder had taken me by surprise?  Would have been more than hurt - would have been devastated.  Offering up thanks for having braced myself long ago.  

Mom would be surprised.  Mom would be heartbroken.  And confused.  To her dying day, she believed that once she was gone, the relationship between me & my oldest sibs would be better.  I knew that wasn't to be.  Without Mom, they had no need for my services.  Wish I'd been wrong.

I can be there for Peter when he needs me, to the best of my ability.  Being a listening post for tales of a family I love but loves me not - that, for me, is beyond the beyond.
  

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