I empathize with Sky

Alas, poor Sky - I know too well how you feel.  

Our wee small kitty has only one sort-of amigo amongst our cats - he & Lakota were buddies at a friend's home before becoming part of our feline family.  But while Lakota knows how to interact with other cats, poor friendship-starved Sky doesn't.  Most importantly, Lakota knows the etiquette of grooming.  

Any 2-leg could sense the happiness with which Sky accepts grooming, but then things fall apart.  When it's his turn to reciprocate, within a few moments he invariably moves to nip an ear.  

I have no idea why he does this, if he thinks it's a natural part of grooming or considers it a prelude to play, but I am sure - from Sky's body language - that it isn't meant as an aggressive move.  

Sad but true, that is how it is experienced by the other cat.  What would have been a prolonged grooming session with another cat is drawn to a hasty, hostile end.

Just saw it play out all over again, as I headed out of the bathroom.  Lakota initiated the grooming session, Sky clearly enjoyed it, but then he went for Lakota's ear, there was the briefest tumble of wrestling.

In a flash, it turned ugly.  Lakota broke away & Sky looked so forlorn, like "What happened?  This is part of our process."  Except that's not how Lakota felt.  He felt attacked.  

  

(Sky would be on the bottom, defending himself from the always surprise response.)

Where did Sky learn such an unexpected move?  It's been part of his behavior since our first days with him.  My guess is that he considers it a prelude to a play session, but he is the only one.  Every other cat - even his once & hopefully future friend, Lakota - clearly experiences it as aggression.  My heart breaks watching it play out;  each time I pray, "Don't nip the ear..."  And then he does.  And it's over.

Small wonder that small kitty seems to crave our attention.  All of us need physical connection.  Sky is no exception.  He just doesn't know how to make it so with his own kind.



That was me, for the bulk of my earlier life.  Seriously - into my forties!  Where Sky goes for the ear, which is experienced as hostile,  I communicated primarily throgh criticism, cynicism & snark.  From my earliest years, that was how I heard my oldest brother & older sister - the golden boy & girl of our family - commuhicate.  To this day, it give me pause, the shock it must have been for others who, expecting me to be sunny & bright, got a major dump of dark, critical & judgmental.  

Every time I see Lakota & Sky start a grooming session, I hope & pray, "Let this be the start of Sky knowing the proper etiquette of grooming.  Let the session be long & mutually satisfying. Let it be a beginning."  I have hope for Sky, because I know it's possible to adopt tend nurture different, healthier & happier behaviors. 

Dear Sky - that nip of the ear sends an entirely incorrect message, one I can sense you don't mean to send.  Life would be so much happier, more connected for you if only you'd realize the others - at least Lakota & Rennie - want to include you in their grooming rituals, but back away because of that darn little bit.  Your 2-leg furever Mom can feel your heart longing for a connection with others.  Wherever you got the notion that a nip on the ear is an introduction to play, in truth it is experienced as a prelude to a kitty rumble.  it pushes the others away, thinking it's an intentional, conscious act of nastiness.  Trust me, dear kitty - I've been there, done that.  Better is possible.  Next time Lakota starts a grooming session, respond as you already do - return the deep licks.  BUT  DON'T  NIP  HIS  TENDER  EAR.  Keep grooming, then bow to Lakota & accept another round of his deep licks.  

Better is possible - sweet cat, I wish it for you.  You are a dear soul who only wants to connect with others, feline or human.  Get out of your own way.  It can be done. Just look at your 2-leg Mommy - been there, went for better, working on best.  Beloved kitty, you deserve all the connection friendship love you crave!