Walking the Talk

With one phone call, John & I were given the opportunity to see if our walk matches our talk.  I am pleased to say that it did – 100%.

Ever since I started older2elder, have spouted, “If I’m not putting my job at risk, then I’m not doing my job.”  About a week ago, John & I realized the time had come for me to touch base with a client’s family about some concerns we had with her, concerns that would touch on things arching over a couple years, that was motivated by the parent’s chronic failure to thrive.

It’s a heartbreaking story, one too often told - bustling, active woman in her early 80s, widowed many years, diagnosed with early stage dementia, can’t take her meds so needs support, children are spread around the country, the closest one two hours away in a different state.  The decision is made to move her up to a daughter’s. 

Things did not go well. 

The move intensifies already existing, albeit tucked under the surface, tensions in the daughter’s family.  Within a year, things fall apart.  The parent is moved into a lovely senior residence that has a devoted staff BUT which is hours away from familiar surroundings, from friends of 50+ years, her church & work colleagues, neighbors not far from the house she transformed from falling down to welcoming, sitting on four acres of woods & meadows. 

Two years ago, she was about to take to a "last hurrah" trip abroad with family;  today, she is in a bed/sitting room with bed, 2.5 chairs, a night table, a bureau, her primary lifeline daily visits from her devoted dog.  The nights are all by herself. 

She watches whatever the staff puts on the large screen television, often a show about disclosing paternity or revealing someone is lying to a lover, often a news channel whose views are opposite to hers. 

Staff come in & out without greeting her, which she finds a major invasion of privacy.  The wheelchair she has is too heavy to take her out on drives (a struggle to get it into the trunk), while the walker’s “shelf” is too light-weight for sitting.  A physical therapist confides that for the 1+ years she’s seen our friend, it’s been a  consistent downward spiral, with no evidence of any motivation for improvement.  The family gave up on providing enrichment events – like movies or concerts – because she falls asleep during them.  They see everything she can’t do, don’t seem to understand how much she could – given the right environment & support.

My final straw was the daughter describing her mother as “done for” - - “It may be three months or three years, but Mom is done for.”  With that attitude from her closest care partner, I have no doubt it’s true.

We’d reached the point that had been jabbing at us for months.  So, I wrote a letter, much like letters sent to other families, outlining what we saw, observations & suggestions like it doesn't make sense for them to say, “Mom needs to have more fun” if they aren’t making regular opportunities for it to be had, hopefully every day.  They don’t understand that it is no great joy for their mother, who still has memories of a lively mind, one that’s waiting to bust out, to sit with a bunch of people with white hair & wrinkled skin, some of whom are asleep & only a few of whom are responsive to the event’s presenter. 

Their Mom wants what she remembers experiencing as everyday – a variety of ages & types close by, younger faces looking back at her, making her step livelier, remember better. 

She wants to have her friends at hand, the ones who remember when she was a kid in pre-WWII America, when she & her O Best Beloved were newlyweds, when they went dancing, gardened, entertained their extensive circle of friends with barbeques on the terrace & smore roasts ‘round the fire pit in the summer, with fireside readings in the den & fondue parties in the kitchen/dining room in the winter. 

With her well-being on the line, I wrote, directing the letter at the child who lives closest, with responsibility for her physical care, ccing her sibs.  That was late last week.  Today, was informed by the brother in charge of handing his mother’s finances that due to various factors – of course, NONE of which were related to the letter- they had to let me go.  I’d been working for them for all of six weeks.

And we are okay with it.  Because we’ll just do what we’ve been doing since before Christmas – we will stop by to visit her once, hopefully twice a week.  Watch old movies – especially ones with Fred Astaire &/or Audrey Hepburn, take lunch that she can eat when SHE wants rather than when the senior residence dictates. 

We will even save the family money, walking her beloved pooch.  Because it is what calls out to be done. She is another one of our cherished "starfish" - - we can’t save every older friend from falling prey to loneliness & isolation, but we can do what we can to help the ones who wash up on our beach. 

The unexpected gift we received today was discovering that what I spout & what we feel are one & the same. 

It is a blow to lose the income we got over the past six weeks from our twice-a-week visits, but it could have been a bigger hit because we never billed for all the hours we were there – we kept billing to 2.5 hours per visit, although it was closer to 3 hours, often longer. 

And we will still call her every night at 7:30 with our usual, “Just checking in.  How’s your evening going?  Watched Fred this afternoon in Yolanda & the Thief – did the leading lady, Lucille Bremmer, play the older sister in Meet Me In St. Louis?”   

If a paying client wants the hours we currently dedicate to her, then we will say sad farewells to our dear older friend;  until then, we will continue seeing  her for as long as we can.


And - with John's encouragement - I will continue to put jobs on the line by speaking up for an older friend's well-being.  The families who appreciate, seek those insights gleaned from decades of up close & personal experience will bring us officially on board as care partners. Those who don't, won't.  Okay with us, because we will just keep doing what we do for as long as we have the time & resources to make it so.  And feel bless for the opportunity to walk & talk awhile with cherished older friends, forever in our hearts.