My first wake up this morning was at 4:30 a.m. - hot, thirsty, on the edge of a headache. And aware that I'd had an important sleep. The sort where I can never remember even a slight fragment of dreams, yet know that what came to me in dream-state was unimaginably important, involving a re... not even sure which word best describes. Reset? Retouch? Reconfigure? Each of those words sort of works, but only in the slightest way. Whatever it did, it's happened before & has always left me with a changed, deepened way of experiencing.
My dreams after going back to bed - after being up for about 30 minutes, fending off the headache - are easy to remember, which is not typical for me. They included trying to fend off some social disaster at a high school gym where something needed cleaning up & it was up to me. And included our queen kitty, Chessie, drinking from a puddle of water like she hadn't had a drink in days.
There was a dream about a massive rain store & leaks popping up from ceilings throughout an older house, with me realizing, "We need a new roof - how will we pay for it?" as I flew throughout the house trying to staunch the inside downpour.
But the dooziest of the dreams was the one that involved a room in someone's house & hotel room, not in the same city.
For some reason, I was staying in someone's house, in a guest room. But instead of using the guest room, I moved into the owner's gorgeous bedroom, staying there for at least an entire day. And leaving it a total mess, the sort of mess that is impossible for one person to accomplish in a week, let alone a day.
Somehow, I got from there to a hotel room in a place that I liked a lot, where I was a regular. Trashed that place too - not out of spite, but because it seemed natural. It was, again, amazing.
Apparently, in both cases it was my intent to make everything right but somehow forgot. In the case of the hotel room, it was awful that I'd messed it up so bad, but in the case of the owner's bedroom - well, I wasn't meant to be in there in the first place.
And the owner was Lil Bruckerell Reisling, who came home to a trashed master suite. By this time, I'd realized that I'd left without cleaning up, that instead of leaving the place untouched, I'd left my ghastly fingerprints all over the place.
Long story short, the tales of both disasters became fodder for the Internet when Lil called me out for my dreadful deed. She chewed me out, wrote a detailed letter about trust & loyalty, told the people at the hotel that she would pay to have the room set right AND would get it out of me somehow.
Her somehow was getting me into a therapy group. It was the most surreal part of the entire dream. Because from first to last, I had done my best to play Lil. I tried this explanantion & that dodge, brought up sob stories & deep insights into my soul. And what did the group leader tell me? They were there to be my honesty police. They were going to help me get to the root of everything that i spent so much time trashing, leaving in a mess - mirrors of the two rooms. I could try whatever came to mind, but they could see if it was true or just bullshit.
End of dream.
It makes me feel better about my current final clear & clean of what John now calls "The Retreat." Had realized that while it looked really nice & welcoming, there was still a lot of stuff here that really had to go. So I dove back in - just as the hot weather hit. We don't have ac, so the room is hot & oppressively humid. My efforts ground to a halt. I was beset with doubts about the WHY behind my energies - were they displaced? Was Resistance hoodwinking me into neglecting what's truly needed? Is cleaning house really related to clearing out my personal blocks & obstructions? Am reinforced that my work is worthy of my time, it is not a dodge, not Resistance turning me from work that needs my time more than this. Just find time to do both.
Getting my house cleared of the things that need to go is no small thing. I don't know what wonders will be possible once my house is in the order I've craved & denied myself, but there's no doubt in my mind that it will make a difference in ways beyond my imagination. If only because what I've always wanted to want will finally BE. That it itself is magical, transformative. Life as it is meant to be.
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