tick tick tick

One of those mornings where my post-4:00 a.m. slumbers tumbled with thoughts that ached to be written down almost (not quite) as much as I hoped to get back to sleep.  So it's funny that what's getting posted has nothing to do - well, not directly - with the topics that teamed up with the sheep being counted!

Just now, in the bathroom, was thinking about how much I seriously bugged the rest of my family - well, maybe not Dad, but he died too young for me to ever know.  But the rest?  Absolutely!

From my youngest years, I was a digger, where the rest were glossers.  My goal was to get at what was happening, at drawing a bead on events & the WHY behind stuff, a quality that irritated & irked my "let things lie" brothers sister mother s-i-l (although she likes to think otherwise).  

That inquiry turned inward, as I made my way through my late 20s, into my 30s, and had the unexpected experience of having professional rugs pulled out from under my firmly planted feet.  Turned into questions about what made ME tick, what was it about me was so different from the rest of my biological grouping, from others around me. 

Praise be for marrying a laid-back fellow who was okay with all my delving & digging & pondering the tick tick tick of life, in spite of not sharing my passion for getting at the why!

The longer I'm married to John, the deeper I believe we're each born with certain characteristics that circumstances influence, can send off in this direction or that, but that don't change our core.  I was born a digger, although it took me decades to let it rip.  

KEEP MOVING FORWARD is my mantra, in spite of a few health issues.  Walk briskly with me down the Pennypack Trail for a few minutes & you'd soon find me getting a bit wobbly due to a bothered left leg/foot & breathing funky.  Am in a race between the decline of my general fitness & 02/07/17, when Medicare kicks in.  

Friends are weirded out that I'm not anxious about my frayed fitness, not using the money that goes toward books & workshops & conferences on blood work & MRIs & regular doctor visits.  For years, I chalked it up to Lockhart fatalism, but is seems much more.  Someday, I'll die.  But will i have truly fully exuberantly LIVED?  

Right now, the things that call out to be done require that I learn & experience as much as possible, right now.  Sure, I can see their reasoning, but the past year has shown me the wisdom behind taking the tack I took.  

Everything gained over the past six years has set me on a path where NOW it's possible to move boldly forward, to get projects out of my heart into my head & out to the world.  It feels like I finally have the wherewithal to be the mover & shaker this irksome daughter/sister was born to be, rattling the rafters of the world with new visions of better & better & better living for everyone, regardless of perceived borders & self-imposed boundaries.
 
As I write this, am reminded of the line from Field of Dreams - If you build it, he will come.  As I write this, it hits me that all of my digging & delving & wondering really came back to the same thing - what was it about me that drove my family up a wall so much that my three surviving sibs & even Mom felt so exasperated by me, that made my brothers & sister spell it out that the last place they wanted to be was anywhere near me?  

The answer ~ drum roll, please ~ was discovering I'll never know, that the truth is that each of them really don't know, that a lifetime of conjecturing won't yield KNOWING.  But last night, my oldest brother called to find out how the conference went, sounded genuinely excited to get the details, complimented me for being a natural at connecting & building relationships.  

Seems my entire life has been about digging out what makes me tick, appreciating it's different from others, respecting those differences even when they drive ME up a wall.  It's why I invest my barely disposable income into experiences that take me deeper into inquiry understanding inspiration.  It's why I have even bigger plans for the next six months, putting me in an ab fab place to celebrate not only my Big 65 but even more so my life.  

Ever since I got home early Sunday evening, I've told all & sundry what a mind-blowing, transformative experience the weekend had been, from every aspect of the trip down to D.C. to Ashton's book talk to the International Conference on Positive Aging to my stay with Mina & Tim.  But until just now, until literally writing this blog posting, it didn't hit me that the most magical moment of all happened a full two days after checking out of the Capital Hilton - my oldest brother called, sounded proud of his baby sister & praised me for being who I am.  


Over the years, people have looked fairly askance when I talk about how my life is & has always been touched with magic.  Magic is life working the way as it was intended, the way we were created to experience.  Ever since meeting loving marrying John, my life has seemed filled with magic.  I would not be here if the two of us weren't opening new possibilities experiences worlds for each other.  

I thank the generous loving AWESOME Universe that brought us together, that made me able to do what presents itself to be done.  I thank the countless friends & pleasant acquaintances whose financial emotional spiritual support helped keep us in place when our lives were in upheaval.  We could not be where we are if they had not been there when we were in truly dire straits.  

All of them - especially the Universe & our steadfast belief in All That Is - help us keep moving forward, finding what makes us tick & making it matter.