How deeply do I want whatever?

Actually, that statement isn't original to me, although it certainly resounds within.  It's a lift from Nancy Slonim Aronie, whose wondrous workshop circumstance made me miss last month.

And it goes to the heart of my present moment.

Accepting that what I deeply want is what I ultimately pursue.  Always.  If my life is less than uplifting awesome remarkable, it's because I deeply want something else.  

Because what we deeply want 

is what we pursue.  

Always.

What do I deeply want RIGHT NOW, in this current infinitesimal blip in cosmic reality?  I want to connect to my process.  The one that has been aching for DECADES to be recognized embraced actualized.  Or maybe it's best tagged with befriended.  Yes, I want to befriend it, to become buddies with my process.  It's always been there, ready willing & able to be a recognized part of my team, eager to step up to the plate & hit 'em (whatever 'em they might be) out of the ball park.

spin cycle

As we prepared to leave a Center City restaurant with a grannie client, I explained to John that I would go ahead, get the car from the parking lot, meeting them at the well-lit, pavement entrance.  

When the three of us went out onto the Chestnut Street sidewalk, I made sure he had her arm, then reinforced that while I would be walking briskly, there was no need for them to rush - I would pick up the car & meet them at the well-lit entrance.

When I had crossed the street, I looked back to where John & our older friend were, getting ready to cross the road.  I looked straight at John, who looked straight at me, and said, very loudly & pointing very broadly to the pavement next to where I was standing, "I will meet your RIGHT here!"  He smiled & shouted, "Okay."

Walking carefully, I made my way through the very dark, somewhat bumpy (but extremely conveniently located) parking to our car.  Got in, turned on the ignition, slowly pulled out & turned right toward the Chestnut Street sidewalk.

Looking, ahead & to my right - no sign of John & my g.c. on the pavement.  Startled, I looked over to my right, in the darkly lit parking lot.  There, about 10 feet in, only viewable because my g.c.'s tan coat looked ghostly, were the two of them.  Many feet from where I'd indicated.

We went through the usual drill.  John hadn't heard what I said.  It wasn't that he hadn't heard what I'd said, but that he hadn't seen my gesture.  It wasn't that he hadn't seen my gesture but that my grannie client had insisted on walking into the darkly lit parking lot & he was powerless to stop her.

Every reason in the world except the one that I suspect is the truth - what I said, what I gestured, just wasn't processed.  He LOOKED like it had been heard, his response gave the impression he'd HEARD what I'd said, I certainly had repeated myself - at least three times - to feel some assurance that THIS time my message was not only heard but received processed understood.  

But John is a lazy thinker.  Has been since we first fell in love.  He just doesn't bother making all the connections.  It can be experienced in a variety of ways, but they all boil down to him not investing enough energy for the message - whatever it might be - to register.  Because of that, he forgets.  Or he hears, but is already focused on doing something that doesn't really click with the request.  

From almost our very first days, there's been one thing almost above all others that I've known in the depths of my soul, the very sinew of my being - John would do anything for me...  as long as it is convenient.  As long as it doesn't require him going outside his comfort zone.  As long as he doesn't have to think.  

It might be a guy thing, or peculiar to John, but it's been prevalent since forever.  My problem with it isn't that he is blowing me off & that he doesn't listen to me - it's that the hallmark trait has put me at risk, tonight put a grannie client at risk.  I wanted to pick them up RIGHT there, because anywhere further into the parking lot posed potential dangers to an elderly woman who could easily trip & fall in the dark.  

John went through all the different scenarios for why they walked into the parking lot.  Each time one didn't quite hold water, he came up with another.  Finally, it wasn't him at all - it was the GRANNIE CLIENT who dun it, he just followed.  

Ah, the litany of possibilities.  It was my fault - he didn't see me, he didn't hear me, he thought I'd just indicated a general "here," he didn't realize what I meant by "right here."  It was my g.c's fault - she was the one who ventured, solo, ten feet into the garage, with him following.  My comment in the restaurant, on the restaurant sidewalk giving a play-by-play of what I would be doing to ensure a simple, safe pick up - looked like they were registering, but didn't.

When things go awry, whether minor or major, John almost always (I praise any aberations) goes directly into spin cycle, keeping at it with amazing persistence & creativity until he latches onto a story that either satisfies him or leaves him so confused he safely doesn't have a clue what any of it was about.  

Whew!  

Imagine investing those energies into recognizing the situation, seeing the problem, realizing his role in it (blessedly clear this time), and addressing it so that it doesn't come up yet again.  

The reality is that there's nothing I can do about a problem that isn't mine.  Can continue doing what I did tonight - based on previous experience & requests from John  - which is to give the same key message multiple times, in different formats or modes if at all possible.  Looking back over tonight, can't think of a thing that could have been done differently in order to get a better outcome.  

I could get all in a lather & go into a spin of self-hatred & loathing, or I can realize that... hey, I gave it my best shot.  Does the spin doctor leave me constantly vulnerable to the consequences of his not taking the whatever to process what I say?  Absolutely.  But tain't nothin' I can do about it, other than my best.  

Wow - amazing, how liberating it is, realizing, "Hey, kiddo - ya gave it your bes shot.  In this situation, your husband, the spin doctor, is a putz."    

a bloody waste of time

To my English friends - pardon my language.  But letting my mind rest for ANY amount of time on negative things on which I can have no positive influence is the very definition of "bloody wast of time."

It should be noted I did not say it is a waste of time to let my mind rest on negatives.  I've known people who seemed to spend a lifetime doing just that, who thought that avoiding looking negatives full in the face, fully feeling them, was what good people are called to do.  They seem to send an AMAZING amount of time keeping negatives at bay, which only serves the purpose of keeping them busy with negatives instead of seeing the use of those very negatives (try starting a battery with all positive charges), pairing them with purpose, then moving on.

My guess is that the majority of my time is spent either not thinking about much of anything or broadly/keenly focusing on negative gunk.  

There is a beautiful world all around me.  There is a beautiful world inside me!  Our Creator put us here to have an exhilarating experience, to rejoice in every blessed (literally) moment.  

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."  

Imagining a life where I am open to that happening every moment.  Imagining a life where I work according to the Designer's instructions.  About bloody time! 

looking to Nov 4, 2014

With mid-term elections just a couple days away, it feels important to at least say this, knowing there's nothing I can do to change it - other than vote on Tuesday:

In my home state of Pennsylvania, voters will be treated at the polls as they have been for election after election, presenting an appropriate form of ID if they are voting for the first time ~or~ in a new polling place.   That is NOT what our GOP-lead legislature, at the urging of our Republican governor, pushed for after the 2010 mid-terms, when they passed voter ID laws requiring every voter have specific PHOTO ID to present every time he or she votes.  It was struck down as too adverse.  The law was passed based on the premise the harsh measures - which especially effects, intentionally or not, the elderly, the poor, and students - would rein in in-person voter fraud.  It should be noted that court records show that we've never had a case of in-person voter fraud.  Counting, yes;  in-person, no.

Since 2004, when Arizona's law requiring first-time voters present a state-issued photo ID, twelve states have passed voter id laws, with more in line.  

Typically, acceptable photo id includes:

• a valid driver's license
• military ID
• a state identification card
• United States passport
• student identification

Not in Texas.  Not in 2014.  In Texas, voters must present a government-issued voter registration certificate, which they get after registering to vote.  In addition, they must provide one of the following:  a TEXAS driver's license (out of state is unacceptable), a TEXAS personal ID card, a TEXAS concealed handgun license, US military ID with the person's photo, a US citizenship certificate with photo, or a valid US passport.  All other forms of identification are not acceptable.  

It should be noted that since 2002, according to court records, 18 cases of voter fraud in Texas have resulted in convictions.  That's no problem to folks arguing in favor of restrictive voting laws; to them, it only confirms the problem.  They believe the LACK of examples proves there's no way to spot voter fraud other than with photo id.  The fewer cases of voter fraud are documented, the more we know it exists.  Hard to argue against that.  And that particular argument fits well into the reasoning of people pushing for tougher in-person voter id laws - folks are easily riled & frightened by the great unknown, which is how in-person voter fraud is presented.  

Is it just happenstance that voter id laws requiring state or government issued photo id virtually guts, intentionally or not, masses of the elderly, the poor, and students from voter logs? Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's blistering dissent speaks for many who find today's voter ID laws perilously close to limiting basic rights.  The SCOTUS ruling declaring Texas did not limit reasonable access to the voting box.  It makes sense to them that a state can accept only in-state driver's licenses & gun permits, but reject student ID.  With that path cleared, look for other states to follow suit.  

Am fascinated by what I've read over & over - that interest in more stringent voting laws resulted from the Presidential 2000 election, with the controversy over Florida's hanging chad ballots.  

People nod & think - ah, yes, that makes sense.  But makes absolutely NO sense when it comes to tougher in-person voting. In-person voting irregularities were never the problem - wasn't then, there's no evidence it is now. 

The controversy in Florida was over how difficult ballots were to read, not that people had voted illegally.  The controversy in Florida grew when the court-ordered recount was shut down by the Brooks Brothers Riot, which strangely prefigured what was to come - a bunch of what appears to be business people shutting down the recount, throwing the determination of the election to the Supreme Court, where the majority of justices were picked by Republican presidents.  

What fascinates me is that the controversy in Florida 2000 was over the lack of clearly legible ballots, over the lack of a definitive recount.  But ALL the current voter reform legislation focuses solely on in-person voting.  None addresses any other form.  They limit the least likely, let the rest go untouched.  

In reseaching this post, came across an excellent article by the Washington Post - The Disconnect Between Voter ID Laws & Voting.  Please note - I read this while writing this post, not before.  It speaks directly to my points:
 
Almost no one shows up at the polls pretending to be someone else in an effort to throw an election. Almost no one acts as a poll worker on Election Day to try to cast illegal votes for a candidate. And almost no general election race in recent history has been close enough to have been thrown by the largest example of in-person voter fraud on record.

That said, there have been examples of fraud, including fraud perpetrated through the use of absentee ballots severe enough to force new elections at the state level. But the slew of new laws passed over the past few years meant to address voter fraud have overwhelmingly focused on the virtually non-existent/unproven type of voter fraud, and not the still-not-common-but-not-non-existent abuse of absentee voting.

At the end of the day - two days before the mid-terms - I find myself  thinking about what Joseph Stalin is quoted as saying, "The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything."  And NOTHING in any of the current voter ID "reform," intentionally or not, acknowledges, let alone addresses that reality.

On Tuesday, go to the polls & vote, a precious - and increasingly rare - right & opportunity.

Unintended consequences - dreams fulfilled

In looking ahead to tomorrow's Velveteen Grammie posting, am reminded all over again of the glorious unintended consequence of the dream trip Mom & I took down too DisneyWorld in 1997.  Designed to fulfill two of her longtime ~ to see Charleston & EPCOT, it turned into more, much more.   

To keep us entertained over the long drive from Bryn Athyn to Orlando, I took a large selection of cassette tapes, including some of Mom's favorite musicians (especially Kenny Rogers, Willy Nelson) & some of my favorite inner work gurus (including Stephen Covey, Deprak Chopra, Marianne Williamson, Christiane Northrup).  Big grin on my face, reading her 11/02/00 comment, remembering how we played them during the LONG drive between Williamsburg & Charleston - "We were tuckered out by the time we arrived at the King Charles Inn, but we were not bored."

When we set out on our great adventure, neither of us could have guessed that a whole new way of looking at life & relationships, expectations & personal dynamics would awaken in Mom during the long haul down.  

Unintended consequences - set out to realize two of Mom's & ended up having my own greatest dream come true.  Mom started to rediscover her own voice (lost after Dad's death), her own unique central core.      

Life as yoga

Or to be more precise, life lived as we are designed to personifies embodies radiates the very nub of yoga -  the way to attaining liberation from the material world and of union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.

When we live life as originally & forever intended, we attain that liberation & union by being & remaining conscious, centered & committed at all times.  At all times.  Always.  

I find myself thinking about two friends who seem to have discovered this core secret of true happiness by the time they were married, and it feels like their union has intensified their awareness of what calls for their attention & focus, as well as what doesn't.  No matter what is thrown at them, they personify embody radiate happiness.  No matter what.  They are the most conscious, centered & committed people I know.  I know that life lived as originally designed liberates & enlightens - it's visible in them.  

They don't sometimes stay focused on being happy.  They always are.  Which is not to say that they don't have difficulties, heartaches, traumas.  Of course, they do.  But it feels like they don't dwell on those moments, that they allow life's challenging times to inform & enlighten them, then move on.  More than anything else, they dwell on the possible.

According to the most popular current theory, our universe was created over 13.5 billion years ago.  The oldest star in our galaxy is estimated to be a tad younger, a mere 13 billion years old.  In comparison, Earth is a baby - currently tagged at a scant 4.54 billion years.  Scientists calculate that life first appeared on our planet between 2.7-3.5 billion years ago. Simple cells evolved into complex cells & finally into multicellular life.   550 million years ago, animals - arthropods - developed the first bilateral (mirror-image) body plan, evolved sexual reproduction & began to move for the first time.  Fish debuted over 360 million years ago.  It's estimated the first mammals made the scene some 220 million years ago (give or take a million). Our own species didn't appear until 200,000 years ago, with modern Homo sapiens making their appearance just 50,000 years ago. It's believed that humans were in South America as long as 30,000 years ago, with evidence of being in what's now the USA some 14,000 years back.  

13,500,000,000
13,000,000,000
 4,540,000,000
 2,700,000,000
    500,000,000
    360,000,000
    220,000,000
          200,000
            50,000
                  63 (me, on 02/07/15)

Pretty liberating.  I am here no more than the blink of a cosmic eye.  Why fret over what tomorrow may bring when I know - know in the very fiber of my being - that the Divine leads all to a good end.  And that ALL that is asked of me is to speak justly & to love mercy & to walk - consciously, centered & with full commitment - hand in hand with my Creator. 

Walt Wit

Okay, I admit that the primary reason I picked up the Philadelphia Brewing Company's variety pack for last weekend's cast party was due to graphics - one of the labels parodies the iconic Pennsy keystone.  That, and I knew the beers had decent reviews.  (And included a coffee porter, a weakness of mine.)

One of the beers was Walt Wit - with a picture of Walt Whitman, a Philadelphia-area boy.  Seeing the bottle got me thinking about the man got me doing an online search, which lead to something that made me stop in my tracks with appreciation:

This is what you shall do: 
Love the earth and sun and the animals, 
despise riches, 
give alms to every one that asks, 
stand up for the stupid and crazy, 
devote your income and labor to others, 
hate tyrants, 
argue not concerning God, 
have patience and indulgence toward the people, 
take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, 
go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, 
read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, 
re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, 
dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

Can't find anything in that with which to disagree.  Do you?  And if so, what?  I'm interested in hearing...