Decades ago, a friend of mine was having new linoleum laid in her kitchen. On taking up the old covering, they discovered that parts of the subflooring needed replacing. When they took up the subflooring, they discovered the joists were in terrible shape. It seemed like each time they set out to resolve a problem, a new one was uncovered.
That's been my experience with personal work. The more I uncover, the clearer it is to see the damage that layer covered up or camouflaged, the more disparate selves have gone toe to toe for the upper hand. The result is that I currently feel more a hot mess than ever.
This morning, driving John to work, I went unhinged. My siblings & sister-in-law have long lambasted me as an angry person. While I still think they confuse clarity with anger & honesty with rage, today I definitely went off the rails. The heads up that something is very much amiss.
I've learned that when I am derailed (okay, deranged), my heart is trying to get a message through to my head. My takeaway from my early morning momentary meltdown is that I've done enough personal work to be finally connecting to a self that's been safely buried for 17+ years. If I don't watch out, will have the breakdown that could have happened in Autumn 2001, when I lost Mom, my family, the friends connected with Mom, a connection to my community & neighborhood, her dist list community - all of which I expected on her passing - and my job, a lost that totally blindsided me.
All of the personal work I've been doing for the past forever, but especially the past six years, particularly the past year, has revealed where I've emotionally papered over the great gaping hole, the still bleeding wound. Hadn't realized how isolated I've become over the years, how much I expect isolation, which is just weird.
Where I am right now is NOT a healthy place. This morning's meltdown, as short as it was, showed me in my full hot mess messiness. Am in the midst of an existential crisis, caught in a crucible of past & future playing havoc with my present. Like being on a combo Ferris wheel, merry-go-round & bumper car ride.
Right now, am feeling crushed by the isolation. But wait... What's this? Friday, May 4 on the You are a Badass page-a-day calendar - "Help is all around us, sometimes receiving it is simply a matter of looking at it differently, or not giving up so easily. If you absolutely had to get some help, if it was a matter of life or death, what would you do?" Leave it to the Universe to remind me that it is always on my side, that I am never isolated because I am always filled with The Great Spirit.
And this isolation isn't new. Wrote about it on Monday - felt like I nailed it then, but clearly did not. Mixed & mingling emotional issues are messing up the clear path forward I want. Instead of staying off it, plunge forward.
Stop emotionally going into community places, then isolating myself. Get thee down to Be Well, but meet a friend for a cuppa. Get back into the swing of weekly tag ups with Karen. Make Tuesday breakfasts with Tom a regular thing. Lower my bucket into the well of friendship.
Where I am right now is NOT a healthy place. This morning's meltdown, as short as it was, showed me in my full hot mess messiness. Am in the midst of an existential crisis, caught in a crucible of past & future playing havoc with my present. Like being on a combo Ferris wheel, merry-go-round & bumper car ride.
Right now, am feeling crushed by the isolation. But wait... What's this? Friday, May 4 on the You are a Badass page-a-day calendar - "Help is all around us, sometimes receiving it is simply a matter of looking at it differently, or not giving up so easily. If you absolutely had to get some help, if it was a matter of life or death, what would you do?" Leave it to the Universe to remind me that it is always on my side, that I am never isolated because I am always filled with The Great Spirit.
And this isolation isn't new. Wrote about it on Monday - felt like I nailed it then, but clearly did not. Mixed & mingling emotional issues are messing up the clear path forward I want. Instead of staying off it, plunge forward.
Stop emotionally going into community places, then isolating myself. Get thee down to Be Well, but meet a friend for a cuppa. Get back into the swing of weekly tag ups with Karen. Make Tuesday breakfasts with Tom a regular thing. Lower my bucket into the well of friendship.
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