For reasons I've never understood, I come across as brash confident bold - - not needing protection or help. And like I am way more accomplished than I am. Years ago, someone hired me for a position that he knew required a high degree of math ability - in spite of my being up front in all interviews about having no affinity for numbers. He was so taken with my knowing a Chinese symbol on his desk meant "chaos" that all my warnings about my math flubbery went over his head; he took them as modesty. Of course, he was none too pleased when reality hit.
Even when I tell people, "I don't know anything about....," they seem to feel like I do. I really don't. This has been seriously apparent recently, needing emotional help & practical support. But people seem to think I am joshing, that everything is just fine & I can figure it all out on my own.
That is in stark contrast to my sister. Something about Mim reached right into people's hearts, making even strangers long to take her under their wing, to protect her, to give her the love care support she seemed to lack.
Where I unintentionally give an accomplished vibe, instead of being very much a work in progress, Mim's appearance, soft voice & severely self-deprecating attitude gave a sense of helplessness. On discovering her remarkable mind, that she was a graduate of NYU, received her MSW from Rutgers, people were blown away with amazement. Intentionally or not, Mim followed a key rule of successful businesses ~ under-promise, over-deliver. I, alas, without knowing it, do the opposite.
Here's the thing - I do NOT want to end up like my sister. She was surrounded by people - friends & family - who admired loved cared about her. She couldn't see it. Like she was emotionally color blind. She rejected reality - what was apparent to many was impossible for her to see & above all FEEL. I don't want to make a similar goof.
If I need help - and I need it big time, right now - how do I ask in a way that registers with people? What I need right now isn't money - what is it? What is holding me back? Notice it, identify it, get over it. Stop putting one foot on the gas & the other on the brake.
I am never going to be Mim. It didn't work for her, it certainly won't work for me. I come across as confident, capable, accomplished? The solution to that is easy - start accomplishing things. Focus on the once & future wow by being fully connected in the astonishing now.
It is essential to remember how people responded to Mim. Because a) she was never as alone as she appeared, b) it didn't matter what people did for her because it never seemed to register, c) it feels - and I may be wrong - like she might have died with her glorious song within her. Do NOT want that to happen to me!
So, am going to put on my big girl pants & accept that I am as I am. Which can, I understand, be confusing aggravating irksome. It is what it is. Find the help I need, connect with supportive hearts, believe in the JOY. In each present moment, be awake aware active. "Don't go back to sleep." Be weird wild wondrous, but above all BE.
Here's something freaky wonderful to consider. For years, I've loved Rumi's poem that starts, "The breeze at dawn..." I didn't know its opening four lines until JUST now, this moment, writing the end of my posting, looking it up to share.
For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn’t decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the door sill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.
A quiet wow to the Universe for unveiling them when needed most! No excuse to not put the pedal to the metal. Freaky, scary wonderful.
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