"It's time to move on." ~ OR ~ "You seem to be over this pretty quick."
"You'll hurt less if you throw yourself back into work." ~ OR ~ "What are you doing back at work so soon? You need more time."
"Time heals all wounds." ~ OR ~ "You will never recover."
"It's unhealthy if your grief prevents you from enjoying life." ~ OR ~ "It's unhealthy if you are still taking pleasure in things you used to."
"It's abnormal if you receive signs from the afterlife." ~ OR ~ "It's abnormal if you haven't gotten a sign."
NO. Grief is not binary!! Grief is cyclical, complex, mystical, and not defined by time and space. The loss of a relationship is something that needs continual reevaluation, assessment, and sensitivity. We pretend that our culture has moved forward in an understanding of what the bereaved need but I still see messages that indicate a lack of comprehension or assumptions regarding what "normal" bereavement is.
Please know that it's ok to assert that you need more time. It's ok for life to not snap back into place. Its ok if it does. It's ok to ache and bleed. It's ok to seek new understandings of the afterlife. It's ok to question the meaning of life at all and feel as though you have lost your sense of safety in the world. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be numb. It's ok for friendships to be lost or reconstructed: truly, loss provides an opportunity to see who really cares in the short and long term. And most of all, even if in a whisper, it's ok to ask for help.
Between September 16 & October 30, 2001 I lost my mother (who was far more than a parent) & my family - losses I'd expected for quite some time. I also lost my job, workplace, co-workers - losses that totally blindsided me.
I felt distanced from my community, my friends. Our savings had been depleted, our bills increased, our income slashed. It felt like everything that had given me a sense of place was stripped away - except John.
I had not expected to feel grief when Mom died, nor did I. She was ready, so was I. But losing everything - that devastated me. Instead of taking me weeks to be functional again, let alone heal, it was months, then over a year. Through it all, John was my rock.
Once, I asked why he didn't get frustrated with me, why he didn't get upset over how long it was taking for me to get my footing back, why he didn't seem worried about our finances - why he just stood by me, week after week, month after month. How was it possible he didn't seem at all distressed over my continued grief & grieving - it was taking so long!
Will always & forever remember his reply - It's taking as long as it takes.
It's taking as long as it takes. Here was a guy who's an only child, who doesn't have a lot of friends, who is sort of a fairly solitary fellow, yet who understood the situation so much better than I even came close.
Erica is totally spot on - grief is cyclical & complex, impossible to define by time & space. But people seem to have a sense it should be. I did. My brother did, when he was amazed that Mom still grieved the loss of our brother, Ian, decades & decades after his death. To the end of her days, Mom felt her loss. She could never move on, get past, get over. When it came to Ian, then later Dad, some sense of bereavement always lingered. Not morbid, dark, destructive, but a sense of something missing, of the universe being not quite right, still there.
Grief is not straightforward. There is no timeline, it has no "complete by" date. It takes as long as it takes.
"You'll hurt less if you throw yourself back into work." ~ OR ~ "What are you doing back at work so soon? You need more time."
"Time heals all wounds." ~ OR ~ "You will never recover."
"It's unhealthy if your grief prevents you from enjoying life." ~ OR ~ "It's unhealthy if you are still taking pleasure in things you used to."
"It's abnormal if you receive signs from the afterlife." ~ OR ~ "It's abnormal if you haven't gotten a sign."
NO. Grief is not binary!! Grief is cyclical, complex, mystical, and not defined by time and space. The loss of a relationship is something that needs continual reevaluation, assessment, and sensitivity. We pretend that our culture has moved forward in an understanding of what the bereaved need but I still see messages that indicate a lack of comprehension or assumptions regarding what "normal" bereavement is.
Please know that it's ok to assert that you need more time. It's ok for life to not snap back into place. Its ok if it does. It's ok to ache and bleed. It's ok to seek new understandings of the afterlife. It's ok to question the meaning of life at all and feel as though you have lost your sense of safety in the world. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be numb. It's ok for friendships to be lost or reconstructed: truly, loss provides an opportunity to see who really cares in the short and long term. And most of all, even if in a whisper, it's ok to ask for help.
Between September 16 & October 30, 2001 I lost my mother (who was far more than a parent) & my family - losses I'd expected for quite some time. I also lost my job, workplace, co-workers - losses that totally blindsided me.
I felt distanced from my community, my friends. Our savings had been depleted, our bills increased, our income slashed. It felt like everything that had given me a sense of place was stripped away - except John.
I had not expected to feel grief when Mom died, nor did I. She was ready, so was I. But losing everything - that devastated me. Instead of taking me weeks to be functional again, let alone heal, it was months, then over a year. Through it all, John was my rock.
Once, I asked why he didn't get frustrated with me, why he didn't get upset over how long it was taking for me to get my footing back, why he didn't seem worried about our finances - why he just stood by me, week after week, month after month. How was it possible he didn't seem at all distressed over my continued grief & grieving - it was taking so long!
Will always & forever remember his reply - It's taking as long as it takes.
It's taking as long as it takes. Here was a guy who's an only child, who doesn't have a lot of friends, who is sort of a fairly solitary fellow, yet who understood the situation so much better than I even came close.
Erica is totally spot on - grief is cyclical & complex, impossible to define by time & space. But people seem to have a sense it should be. I did. My brother did, when he was amazed that Mom still grieved the loss of our brother, Ian, decades & decades after his death. To the end of her days, Mom felt her loss. She could never move on, get past, get over. When it came to Ian, then later Dad, some sense of bereavement always lingered. Not morbid, dark, destructive, but a sense of something missing, of the universe being not quite right, still there.
Grief is not straightforward. There is no timeline, it has no "complete by" date. It takes as long as it takes.
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