I grew up on tales of Mom sending my brothers (both varsity athletes) off to away games with the reminder to be on their best behavior - “for home, church & school.”
One of the things that came up during the Rowe writing workshop was a peaceful – in every way – pondering of my deepest feelings about each of those three entities, each of which continues to loom large in my life.
Thanks to the workshop's focus on being truthful rather than safely acceptable, the past weeks have been a gentle cascade of new perspectives, including my views on home, church & school.
One basic thing I grasped was how each of those three have been, for me, hallmarked with paradox.
Mom drummed into us the importance of open communication - then did everything in her power to make sure it didn’t happen.
The church taught that EVERYTHING is a reflection of masculine & feminine spiritual qualities conjoined – everything except the priesthood.
The school taught that females have the right of refusal – yet girls were expected to accept the first invitation to a dance or party, even if she didn’t like the fellow.
Paradoxes to the point of irony & beyond!
There are many points of paradox within my community, which literally consists of my home, church & school. This was brought home to me recently as I tried to round up three volunteers to help for one hour at a Valentine’s weekend brunch honoring the olders & elders in our local senior community, a thank you for being awesome role models & mentors.
Because I lack a personal network of go-to friends to help out, I posted multiple requests on Facebook. Six friends posted replies:
- One was a friend from childhood. We grew up right next door to each other. For 40+ years, he hasn’t lived in the same state, let alone the same little hometown. There was his reply, sharing his regret that he couldn’t help, but sending his best wishes for a fun event.
- One was from a friend who was born & bred in a church community up in Canada, who came down to Bryn Athyn for high school & college, who lived here for many years, but is currently back in Canada. There was her reply, sharing her regret she couldn’t help, but sending her best wishes for a fun event.
- One was from someone who became a friend when we both worked at the same place, whose primary connection to my community is occasionally stopping by the May-Oct farmers market. There was her reply, sharing her regret she couldn’t help, but sending her best wishes for a fun event.
- One was from someone who came into my life over Chinese food, following Sunday services at Circle of Miracles, in Chalfont, someone who has become a dear friend, advisor, inspiration in my life. There was her reply, sharing her regret she couldn’t help, but sending her best wishes for a fun event.
- One was from a community powerhouse in the town snug next to mine. She wasn’t sure she could make it, but offered to pull together a trio of kids from her local high school. There was her reply, offering to help make the event happen, hoping she could stop by herself (if she’s not helping her son move into his apartment), sending her best wishes for a fun event.
- And then there was the reply from someone I only know through Facebook, who became part of our community several years ago, who said, “Don’t worry. I will get two other people & will be there on Saturday morning so this can happen.” Which she did, recruiting two other community members to lend a hand from 10-11 a.m. making sure the olders & elders are all served & satisfied.
Those were the sum total of the replies to my request. Not a single person who were raised within the community & is still part of it responded with so much as a “Wish I could help. Alas, it is the Marriage Conference –OR- my son’s hockey game –OR- I’m fighting a wretched cold –OR- …, BUT am sending my best wishes for a fun event.”
This from a community that prides itself on its outreach, on how it gathers around those in need, provides shelter in every type of storm. And not a single person took a moment to post so much as a “You go, girl!”
My hometown talks a lot about the beauty & power of community, but faces several often unrecognized challenges, including its still heavily hierarchical structure. Still not clear on how that explains the lack of connection & encouragement, but am getting there. (The groups - and there are several! - who seem to be doing the most effective outreach seem to be the least hierarchical.)
That's the most active paradox in my here & now life ~ my beloved community’s pride at being over-the-top responsive when not a single person sent a single word of encouragement.
Maybe my view of community is different. My hometown is waaaay less insular than it was, but it has a ways to go to get past generations of top-down hierarchy & a funky sense of entitlement.
Leafing through an old brochure (Winter 2014-15) of Rowe workshops, got to wondering - which of my friends on the pastoral staff are familiar with, even followers of presenters like Mary Catherine Bateson, Joanna Macy, Ysaye Darnwell, Mel Kimura Buchholtz?
On many levels, my community is WAY better than it was in reaching out a helping hand, in being there for others. But I sense it still struggles on some levels with grasping the concept of community as I understand it, as it’s discussed at places like Rowe & Omega, Esalen & Kripalu.
My community consists of home, church & school, all tucked within my little hometown. But it feels to me like my view of community is out of step with a surprising number of folks within that circle of friends & pleasant acquaintances, while very much on track with my growing circle outside of it.
What don’t they get that Bill, Gwenda, Michele, Tricia & Debra do? Will keep on pondering.
