shaking the blues away

Part of constructively shaking the blues away is to look the contributing factors in the eye & stare 'em down.

We were feeling mighty pleased with ourselves, having more than enough $ squirreled away to cover this quarter's school tax bill (Neshaminy is a hefty sum).  Only to get hit with plumbing repairs & car repairs & a forgotten vet bill.  Praise be, the money was in the bank to cover it, but precious little left to our name.  

My woeful conversation skills showed how little progress I've made in that quarter.  For someone who cares so deeply for clear, safe & connecting communication, seem light years away from competency let alone mastery.  Biggest obstacles - being hideously self-conscious about the mechanics & my constant expectation of profoundly failing in a countless number of possible ways.

Feeling like I totally mangled what I'd hoped to be a budding friendship & unintentionally hurting a friend through thoughtless wording just sent me tumbling late this afternoon.  Effective communication has always been a top 5 principle in my life.  But having it in the top 5 doesn't mean it's part of my tool kit.  I am great with the glib opener, but the gift of genuinely engaging conversation - that eludes me.  And, judging by today's tears, it means the world to me to improve.

One of the ways I was able to shake the blues away was to take a long, steady look at the symptoms, then to realize they are not the problem.  So what is?  The hunt begins! 

cetified BEST cure for the mean reds

The certified BEST cure of the mean reds is to DO something.  It is NOT to go out to supper, to eat food you didn't make & spend money you should be saving.  So, am making dinner.  Making a dinner I didn't even know I had the makings to whip up.  Teaming a splendiferous repast of my mega-souped up Spanish Rice (double the tomatoes, with gobs of corn & kale & green peas) with Morning Star Farms riblets (delish).

And we will tuck all the kitties into the kitchen so we can snug on the couch with our awesomely good dinner & watch Season II, Episode 1 of All Creatures Great & Small, which John has never heard of, let alone seen.  .

done is better than good

On a recent Ted Talk Hour, that epic Frenchtown resident, Elizabeth Gilbert, considered, "Where Does Creativity Come From?"  And she quoted a favorite quote of her mother's that is a guide to this day - "Done is better than good."

The flip was my reality, where done was equated with unideal.  Once something is done, it's finite.  It can be wonderful, but it will never be MORE wonderful.  A completed whatever is less exciting & vibrant & promising than if we keep it forever in the potential stage.  Done is prosaic, ordinary, dull & boring.  Undone is better than anything & everything - that message was dinned into my young & not-so-young mind.

Done is better than good.  In fact, the only reason for getting ideas is to figure out which ones really matter to you & follow them through to completion.  My quandary remains - still - that the quote makes total sense to me AND goes against my grain.

digging out

Well, here's a great big DUH! to me.  Never occurred to me that my mega messy house - which went from slightly disheveled to flat-out catastrophe after Candy's concerned comments - was the symptom of a larger problem.  

Explains so much.  

Next steps, on the way!

 

foot in mouth disease

Can’t remember a time I didn’t suffer from foot in mouth disease.  If something can be said that should not or mangled in the worst possible way, I will do it.  Thus it has always been.

If you could look up the antonym for “charming conversation,” there would be a picture of me. 

I did it yesterday, unintentionally saying something that seemed perfectly innocent to me, yet was experienced by someone dear to me as hurtful – I hadn’t thought about how the words I used could have been interpreted by anyone who didn’t know my point.

What a challenge, never knowing what is too little, what is too much, when I so rarely say something just right.  Have found myself thinking about my mother, who never learned how to drive because she was too preoccupied wondering about the mechanics of a car, how it started & maintained speed & stopped.  She couldn’t just let it go & drive.  Under my tutelage, she finally learned how to set a parking brake, but nothing more.

That’s me & conversation.  I listen to John & Mom & Mim & Peter and they all do it so effortlessly.  They build a conversation, feed it with interesting kindling, fan the flames with pertinent observations & comments.  Not me.

People scoff at my claims of being a lousy conversationalist.  They don’t know how terrified I am of making a mistake, of not listening in the right way, of having such pitiful background for developing engaging topics.  Like Mom with cars & driving, I’m so focused on my ignorance of the basic mechanics of a good conversation, I go into overdrive or push the limits of propriety or can’t follow where the conversation is naturally headed & send it off on an uncomfortable detour.

My heart was born to be filled with friends who jabber on the phone or join me for a cuppa, who seek my advice in dark days or invite me to join them on all the happy ones.  One reason I love Facebook to the moon & back is because of getting to see all the other connections out there, all the friends hanging out over an electronic fence sharing every sort of news, posting pic of every sort of fun times.  

 

That wasn’t the life I was cut out to live.  

 Love, yes.  Live, no.

How ironic.  It feels to me like my oldest brother & sister always saw themselves on the outside of where they wanted to be, looking in but unable to fully be part of whatever it was.  And here I am,  doing the same, due to deeply etched, hopelessly flawed communication skills.  Bitter, bitter irony.   

Normally, all of this doesn’t make me weepy.  Today, am all too aware of how my no brain/no boundaries ways can cause others at the least discomfort, at the worst pain.  I blew a fledgling friendship by letting books & place & slightly similar histories dissolve the proper boundaries that keep tight-bud relationships safe enough to slowly unfurl.  

Hard truth - people often don’t feel safe around me, because I don’t know the difference between okay & too far.  Am too aware of the mechanics & too sure I am messing them up. They often aren't comfortable around me, yet my assumption is that I'm always blowing it, always feeling like they're mentally edging away from me.  

How, at 62, do I learn proper boundaries & safe limits?  Can see them all too clearly afterward, after the stunned look & frozen body language response. 

Part of me accepts that, at 62, this is me.  Work with what is.  Build it into whatever is possible & don’t regret the never was, never will be. 

I get that.  And some days, like this day, it is a grief.

impossible to imagine

Not sure what's more impossible to imagine - the difference in Mom's life before her father died & after ~ or ~ the fact that question only just occurred to me.

Mom never said a negative word about what it was like, in her late teens, to go from living in a home based 4-square around the loving teachings of her father's faith to the stern, strict Methodist home of her maternal grandfather.  

While I know for sure she had tender feelings toward her grandfather, William Wolf Davis, there's no getting around his household reflected the tenets of his faith - no cards, no dancing, no alcohol.  Not that the Reynolds house was know for poker-playing, Charleston dancing, bath tub-gin swilling - but it reflected her music-loving, fun father.  

Never hit me as hard as it did this morning - when her father died, when she was 19, so did her light-hearted home life.  And she never griped or moaned or grieved over her lost.  She carried on.  She carried on caring for a grandfather who deserved her devoted attention & for a mother who demanded it.  

Wow.

Have always been aware of my mother's heart-crushing history ~ the death of her deeply beloved father, the impact of being left as the primary (later sole) caregiver for her mother, Gran's sociopathic behaviors that did unimaginable damage to her children, particularly to Mom, whose way of coping with it was to make it okay, a defensive trait that would take her seventy years to move past.  

Had always known all that.  It helped me be there for her, in spite of pretty awesome challenges, after my own father died in my early twenties. 

But had never thought about the shock of going from family life in her father's household to the harsh strictures of her grandfather's.  

Small wonder Mom set out to create a loving, tender & caring home with Dad.  Makes me appreciate even more all she did for her own family & be even more sympathetic with the "why" behind her resistance to recognizing & working to resolve our own difficult family issues.  Leaves me in even greater awe that she was, finally, able to see harsh situations without feeling helpless.

Going to be pondering this for a while...

Surrounded with love

Surround yourself with people you love – excellent advice from the always spot on Bob & Melinda Blanchard, who live that adage every day.

Can I envision making my major life decisions based on the relationships I want to develop, the people I want to spend time with – life as recommended by Bob & Melinda?  What a great yard stick for taking the measure of big decisions!

Realizing that I took a big step toward that during the opening event of our joint art show at a local café-gallery.  We invited people who matter to us to join us for pizza & music at Be Well Bakery & Café.  Janina is a long-time, thoroughly heart-connected friend.  I’ve known & held Natty as a niece-of-the-heart for many years.  And Freya is a new friend, someone I’m looking forward to getting to know better.  Mia & family, Matt & daughter.  Karen & Jeff & Cailean came, which meant the world to me & to John – more family of the heart.  Lisa stopped by, along with Jane & Max.

Wow… 

Our opening night was a lot like our wedding,25 years ago, which - through the love & presence of so many – modeled all that I’d hope for all my life.   

Family, friends, community, faith.  All captured in a moment in time.  

This past Saturday surprised me by how beautifully it modeled the image of our current ideal life.  The room was filled with friends we’ve known for years, friends who’ve recently connected, a stranger who showed up by herself so we asked her to join the merry band at our table, people we expected & those whose presence surprised (& delighted) us, a wonderful musician we asked because his mother is classmate & an artist - and his wife, too, which made it so much more special.  All gathered in a special spot, waited on hand & foot by people who embody so much of what I want in my own life – and make the world’s best pizza, but only one night a month!

All the stuff - good, bad, whatever - that happened in the past is gone.  Even the past that's yesterday.  Carry what was learned, leave the lesson behind.  Yes, Bob & Melinda - build life around relationships & people who matter.  Appreciate the irony that the care & love & support you give always seems to naturally boomerang back to you.   

Be in the moment, in this moment.  Let it offer up to you all it has, all it longs to give.   

And remember to say THANKS!