Perfectly good

 

Voltaire could have been talking about marriage when he said, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”  Blessings on Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, for introducing me to those wise words.  Words to live by. Especially this past weekend.

John & I have a good, sturdy marriage, one that's a far cry from perfect.  John is there for me so many times, in so many ways.  Just not this past Saturday & Sunday.  My heart was broken, my spirit ripped apart by multiple reminders of things that are essential to my sense of self & safety that don't even register on his radar.  Not even the teeny tiniest blip.  Arrrggggghhhhhh!

Had a mini meltdown at Be Well, sadness & despair tinging every word of lament.  A black cloud of depression hung over me all Saturday.  The icy grip of weather that seized our area Sunday reflected the icy grip grief held on my heart.  

Then, in the depth of my storm & stress, a burble of light bubbled up through my brain.  Voltaire, whispering in my ear - Are you letting the perfect overwhelm the good?  Is John a good husband?  Is he as good a husband as you are a wife?   

 

Yes!  John is a good husband.  Is he perfect?  No how, no way.  Sheez, I’m light years from being the perfect wife.   

Back to Gretchen, who reminded me that "Instead of pushing yourself to an impossible 'perfect,' and therefore getting nowhere, accept 'good.'  Many things worth doing are worth doing badly."

John & I ace some aspects of marriage.  Others…  not so much.  Not even close.  Even though we don't do them well, they are still well worth our time to do. 

Weird, being married for so many years yet still hitting soul-rattling bumps in the road.  How I treat each is up to me - take it as a cautionary speed bump or an axle-damaging obstacle?   Do I go berserk because our relationship isn’t perfect or acknowledge there are flaws & keep moving forward?  

Strange but true - Gretchen's most recent posting addressed this very situation.  Yesterday's posting opened with a quote from Bob Mankoff, one of my favorite NewYorker cartoonists -  “Humor is the antidote to overthinking. It’s a way of saying that life is paradoxical. Humor contains contradictions; it does not resolve them but revels in them. It says that the right way to exist among the contradictions, paradoxes, and absurdities of life is to cope with them through laughter.”

 

Mankoff beats even Voltaire at being spot on.  Marriage is paradoxical!  Marriage is front & back-loaded with contradictions.  We are not meant to resolve them, but revel in them.  The best way to handle the contradictions, paradoxes & absurdities of marriage is through a light heart, a light hand, and a lot of laughter. 

Gretchen, you give me goose bumps!  Have been struggling to unlock the words to describe the past two days & you hand over the key.  Thanks! 

The whole idea of marriage working out smoothly, without major bumps pot holes detours is absurd.  Team up a guy & a gal & expect them to think & will, each as the other?  A lovely thought, but there’s an eternity of work getting even close. 

I do not now nor ever will think like John.  And vice versa.  But we can join forces, bulk up each others strengths as we lessen each others weaknesses.  We can want what is best for the other & accept that we might not be the one to provide it.  Not even if we deeply dearly desperately want to be The One.  And that's okay,  That's the way it's meant to be.  Just keep those seat belts buckled, enjoy the scenery while keeping an eye on the road, and remember to not take any detours too seriously.