Too much GREY

The past three months were the February That Would Never End.  It really messed up my sense of balance.  And I- yuck - it is still grey outside. 

One reason I wigged out today is that I've internalized the grey.  It is bad bad bad to feel dank dark & dismal inside.    

Small wonder I feel boxed in by isolation.  Am greyed out.

Gotta get color glitter pzazzz into my life! 

Internalize sparkling mini lights & spinning pin wheels! 

Let the confetti fling & the saxes swing! 

Clear out those internal grey skies & slap on a silly face!

Lower my bucket

Decades ago, a friend of mine was having new linoleum laid in her kitchen.  On taking up the old covering, they discovered that parts of the subflooring needed replacing.  When they took up the subflooring, they discovered the joists were in terrible shape.  It seemed like each time they set out to resolve a problem, a new one was uncovered.

That's been my experience with personal work.  The more I uncover, the clearer it is to see the damage that layer covered up or camouflaged, the more disparate selves have gone toe to toe for the upper hand.  The result is that I currently feel more a hot mess than ever.

This morning, driving John to work, I went unhinged.  My siblings & sister-in-law have long lambasted me as an angry person.  While I still think they confuse clarity with anger & honesty with rage, today I definitely went off the rails.  The heads up that something is very much amiss.

I've learned that when I am derailed (okay, deranged), my heart is trying to get a message through to my head.  My takeaway from my early morning momentary meltdown is that I've done enough personal work to be finally connecting to a self that's been safely buried for 17+ years.  If I don't watch out, will have the breakdown that could have happened in Autumn 2001, when I lost Mom, my family, the friends connected with Mom, a connection to my community & neighborhood, her dist list community - all of which I expected on her passing - and my job, a lost that totally blindsided me.

All of the personal work I've been doing for the past forever, but especially the past six years, particularly the past year, has revealed where I've emotionally papered over the great gaping hole, the still bleeding wound.  Hadn't realized how isolated I've become over the years, how much I expect isolation, which is just weird. 

Where I am right now is NOT a healthy place. This morning's meltdown, as short as it was, showed me in my full hot mess messiness.  Am in the midst of an existential crisis, caught in a crucible of past & future playing havoc with my present.  Like being on a combo Ferris wheel, merry-go-round & bumper car ride.  

Right now, am feeling crushed by the isolation.  But wait... What's this?  Friday, May 4 on the You are a Badass page-a-day calendar -  "Help is all around us, sometimes receiving it is simply a matter of looking at it differently, or not giving up so easily.  If you absolutely had to get some help, if it was a matter of life or death, what would you do?"  Leave it to the Universe to remind me that it is always on my side, that I am never isolated because I am always filled with The Great Spirit.  

And this isolation isn't new.  Wrote about it on Monday - felt like I nailed it then, but clearly did not.  Mixed & mingling emotional issues are messing up the clear path forward I want. Instead of staying off it, plunge forward.  

Stop emotionally going into community places, then isolating myself.  Get thee down to Be Well, but meet a friend for a cuppa.  Get back into the swing of weekly tag ups with Karen.  Make Tuesday breakfasts with Tom a regular thing.  Lower my bucket into the well of friendship.

My heart is in Sioux Falls

Oh, to have a magic wand & find myself in Sioux Falls!  Today, a niece-of-my-heart takes her physician's oath.  Teary, looking at her graduation invitation ~ ~ oath ceremony this afternoon, grad ceremony tomorrow.  Then onto Indiana for her residency! 

Am button-bustin' proud of Bethany.  She's got glam, grits & guts.  A role model of tenacity, hard work & focus.  Role model & dear friend.

"Find your own light."  The Buddha

It's only freaking awesome IF there is follow through

All the way.  To complete done finis.  

The past two days have been filled with an emotional roller coaster.  Is there a spiritual equivalent for puberty & menopause, with things in ferocious flux, some opening up, some settling down, some apparently attempting to do both simultaneously?  

Where I am right now has NOTHING to do with intelligence or mastering emotions.  This wild ride is of the spirit.  

The most jaw-dropping part of it all is how the Universe is saying, "The Great Spirit has your back - go for it!"  There are signs everywhere, courtesy of Rumi & Jen Sincero.

Jen - When your subconscious beliefs at out of alignment with the things and experiences we want in our conscious minds (and hearts), it creates confusing conflicts between what we are trying to create and what we are actually creating.  It's like we are driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. (05/01/18) ~ ~ ~ If you made the decision that you were going to reach your goals, you would do whatever it took.  If you merely wanted to, but hadn't made the firm decision to, you'd roll over and begin convincing yourself that your life is fine just the way it is. (yesterday)  ~ ~ ~  When you are vibrating at a high frequency, awesome things seem to flow to you effortlessly, and you seem to stumble over the perfect people and opportunities all the time (and vice versa).  As Albert Einstein observed, "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."

Rumi -   For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.  ~ ~  From within, I couldn’t decide what to do. ~ ~  Unable to see, I heard my name being called.  ~ ~  Then I walked outside.

Sheez Louise, girl - doesn't get clearer, more caring loving supportive than that! 

The Universe can be an awesome support, but The Great Spirit only lets it go so far.  It's like Will Smith showing Kevin James the most effective way to give a first kiss - the Universe can do the heavy lifting, working on the internal stuff, but it can only go 90% of the way to the sweet kiss of DONE. The last 10% is on me.  

These past years, months, days can only be freaking awesome if I handle that last 10%.  For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.  ~ ~  From within, I couldn’t decide what to do. ~ ~  Unable to see, I heard my name being called.  ~ ~  Then I walked outside. 

Take it!

I've spent way too long throwing away my shot.  

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot
I’m ‘a get a scholarship to King’s College
I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish
The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge
I’m a diamond in the rough, a shiny piece of coal
Tryin’ to reach my goal my power of speech, unimpeachable
Only nineteen but my mind is older
These New York City streets get colder, I shoulder
Every burden, every disadvantage
I have learned to manage, I don’t have a gun to brandish
I walk these streets famished
The plan is to fan this spark into a flame
But damn, it’s getting dark, so let me spell out the name
I am the A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R we are meant to be

A colony that runs independently
Meanwhile, Britain keeps shittin’ on us endlessly
Essentially, they tax us relentlessly
Then King George turns around, runs a spending spree
He ain’t ever gonna set his descendants free
So there will be a revolution in this century
Enter me, he says in parentheses

Don’t be shocked when your hist’ry book mentions me
I will lay down my life if it sets us free
Eventually, you’ll see my ascendancy

And I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot
It’s time to take a shot

I dream of life without a monarchy
The unrest in France will lead to onarchy?
Onarchy how you say, how you say, anarchy?
When I fight, I make the other side panicky
With my, shot

Yo, I’m a tailor’s apprentice
And I got y’all knuckleheads in loco parentis
I’m joining the rebellion 'cause I know it’s my chance
To socially advance, instead of sewin’ some pants
I’m gonna take a shot

But we’ll never be truly free
Until those in bondage have the same rights as you and me
You and I. Do or die. Wait till I sally in
On a stallion with the first black battalion
Have another shot

Geniuses, lower your voices
You keep out of trouble and you double your choices
I’m with you, but the situation is fraught
You’ve got to be carefully taught
If you talk, you’re gonna get shot

Burr, check what we got
Mister Lafayette, hard rock like Lancelot
I think your pants look hot
Laurens, I like you a lot
Let’s hatch a plot blacker than the kettle callin’ the pot
What are the odds the gods would put us all in one spot
Poppin’ a squat on conventional wisdom, like it or not
A bunch of revolutionary manumission abolitionists?
Give me a position, show me where the ammunition is

Oh, am I talkin’ too loud?
Sometimes I get over excited, shoot off at the mouth
I never had a group of friends before
I promise that I’ll make y’all proud

Let’s get this guy in front of a crowd

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot

Everybody sing
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa
Ay, let ‘em hear ya

Let’s go

Whoa, whoa, whoa I said shout it to the rooftops
Whoa, whoa, whoa said, to the rooftops
Whoa, whoa, whoa come on

Come on, let’s go
Rise up
When you’re living on your knees, you rise up
Tell your brother that he’s gotta rise up
Tell your sister that she's gotta rise up

When are these colonies gonna rise up?
When are these colonies gonna rise up?
When are these colonies gonna rise up?
When are these colonies gonna rise up?

Rise up
I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory
When’s it gonna get me?
In my sleep, seven feet ahead of me?
If I see it comin’, do I run or do I let it be?
Is it like a beat without a melody?
See, I never thought I’d live past twenty
Where I come from some get half as many
Ask anybody why we livin’ fast and we laugh, reach for a flask
We have to make this moment last, that’s plenty

Scratch that this is not a moment, it’s the movement
Where all the hungriest brothers with something to prove went?
Foes oppose us, we take an honest stand
We roll like Moses, claimin’ our promised land
And? If we win our independence?
‘Zat a guarantee of freedom for our descendants?
Or will the blood we shed begin an endless cycle of vengeance and death with no defendants?
I know the action in the street is excitin'
But Jesus, between all the bleedin’ ‘n fightin’
I’ve been readin’ ‘n writin’
We need to handle our financial situation
Are we a nation of states what’s the state of our nation?
I’m past patiently waitin' I’m passionatelymashin’ every expectation
Every action’s an act of creation
I’m laughin' in the face of casualties and sorrow
For the first time, I’m thinkin’ past tomorrow

And I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I’m just like my country
I’m young, scrappy and hungry
And I’m not throwing away my shot

We’re gonna rise up (time to take a shot)
We’re gonna rise up (time to take a shot)
We’re gonna, rise up, rise up

It's time to take a shot
Rise up, rise up, it's time to take a shot
Rise up, it's time to take a shot
Rise up, take a shot, shot, shot
It's time to take a shot, time to take a shot
And I am not throwing away my shot
Not throwing away my shot

Songwriters: Lin-Manuel Miranda / Kejuan Waliek Muchita / Albert Johnson / Roger Troutman / Osten Harvey / Christopher Wallace

Weird wild wondrous

So many thoughts over the past 24+ hours about self-imposed & unintended limitations.

For reasons I've never understood, I come across as brash confident bold - - not needing protection or help. And like I am way more accomplished than I am. Years ago, someone hired me for a position that he knew required a high degree of math ability - in spite of my being up front in all interviews about having no affinity for numbers. He was so taken with my knowing a Chinese symbol on his desk meant "chaos" that all my warnings about my math flubbery went over his head; he took them as modesty. Of course, he was none too pleased when reality hit.  

Even when I tell people, "I don't know anything about....," they seem to feel like I do. I really don't. This has been seriously apparent recently, needing emotional help & practical support. But people seem to think I am joshing, that everything is just fine & I can figure it all out on my own.

That is in stark contrast to my sister.  Something about Mim reached right into people's hearts, making even strangers long to take her under their wing, to protect her, to give her the love care support she seemed to lack. 

Where I unintentionally give an accomplished vibe, instead of being very much a work in progress, Mim's appearance, soft voice & severely self-deprecating attitude gave a sense of helplessness. On discovering her remarkable mind, that she was a graduate of NYU, received her MSW from Rutgers, people were blown away with amazement. Intentionally or not, Mim followed a key rule of successful businesses ~ under-promise, over-deliver. I, alas, without knowing it, do the opposite.

Here's the thing - I do NOT want to end up like my sister. She was surrounded by people - friends & family - who admired loved cared about her. She couldn't see it. Like she was emotionally color blind. She rejected reality - what was apparent to many was impossible for her to see & above all FEEL.  I don't want to make a similar goof. 

If I need help - and I need it big time, right now - how do I ask in a way that registers with people? What I need right now isn't money - what is it? What is holding me back? Notice it, identify it, get over it. Stop putting one foot on the gas & the other on the brake.

I am never going to be Mim. It didn't work for her, it certainly won't work for me. I come across as confident, capable, accomplished? The solution to that is easy - start accomplishing things. Focus on the once & future wow by being fully connected in the astonishing now. 

It is essential to remember how people responded to Mim. Because a) she was never as alone as she appeared, b) it didn't matter what people did for her because it never seemed to register, c) it feels - and I may be wrong - like she might have died with her glorious song within her. Do NOT want that to happen to me!

So, am going to put on my big girl pants & accept that I am as I am. Which can, I understand, be confusing aggravating irksome. It is what it is. Find the help I need, connect with supportive hearts, believe in the JOY. In each present moment, be awake aware active. "Don't go back to sleep."  Be weird wild wondrous, but above all BE. 

Here's something freaky wonderful to consider. For years, I've loved Rumi's poem that starts, "The breeze at dawn..." I didn't know its opening four lines until JUST now, this moment, writing the end of my posting, looking it up to share.

For years, copying other people, I tried to know myself.
From within, I couldn’t decide what to do.
Unable to see, I heard my name being called.
Then I walked outside.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the door sill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.

Don’t go back to sleep.

A quiet wow to the Universe for unveiling them when needed most!   No excuse to not put the pedal to the metal. Freaky, scary wonderful.

Step on it!

Is everyone's life as surreal as mine seems?  Most wondrous, all constructive.  Zooming over the past four years into utter wowness, on the edge of "You have got to be kidding me!" with all sorts of awakenings & awareness, lights dawning & totally pinged soul. 

The past few weeks - as someone who was all excited about working with me, who looked to be an ideal professional fit, dropped off the face of the earth - have found me doing all sorts of astonishing time travel.  Past selves, future, current.  Confused & clarified, with star bursts of awakened awareness paired with a really strong urge to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head.  

Then I read Jen Sincero's 05/02/18 (today!) calendar page - - If you made the decision that you were going to reach your goals, you would do whatever it took.  If you merely wanted to, but hadn't made the firm decision to, you'd roll over and begin convincing yourself that your life is fine just the way it is.

Has the decision had been made or batted around?

What was yesterday's page?  When our subconscious beliefs are out of alignment with the things and experiences we want in our conscious minds (and hearts), it creates confusing conflicts between what we're trying to create and what we are actually creating.  It's like we're driving with one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.  

Get my foot off the brake & gas it!