The arrogance of belonging

 For all that has been, Thanks. To all that shall be, YES.

Coach Jane Kerschner & I were batting back & forth the concept of belonging, after she'd wondered how I’d stayed upright in a family hallmarked with such disconnection & apparent fear of relationship.   

Would have been tougher, answering that question a week ago.  But over the weekend, in Elizabeth Gilbert’s wondrous Big Magic, had found a phrase from David Whyte that said it all – it was due to the arrogance of belonging.

 

Where my family struggled with connection & relationship, I wholeheartedly embraced both.  Weird, then, that while my siblings seemed to have a sense of place within our family, I never did.  On the other hand, I had a sense of belonging, if only to myself, that at least some of the others appeared to lack.

“The arrogance of belonging” – daring to feel like you belong simply because you breathe.  That we are all, from birth, entitled to BEING.  Or, as Liz Gilbert puts it, “Believing that you are allowed to be here, and believing that — merely by being here, merely by existing — you are allowed to have a voice and a vision of your own.”

Excuse me if this feels a bit like Whisper Down The Lane  –  Liz says that David Whyte claims,  “Without ‘the arrogance of belonging,’  you will never be able take any creative risks whatsoever. Without it, you will never push yourself out of the suffocating insulation of personal safety, and into the frontiers of the beautiful and the unexpected.”

The way I survived growing up, deeply rooted in a family with such different values, different sense of entitlement, was through knowing that I belonged to a bigger Something. Didn’t know what it was, but never doubted it was out there. 

Yes, it was sad that if felt there wasn’t a place for me within the family, but that’s not so remarkable since the others didn’t seem to feel much of a place either.  But it did lead me to develop a strong affinity & affection for the concept of family, of connection, of relationship.  Something that didn’t need permission or approval from an outside source to BE.

Liz goes deeper into the arrogance of belonging – It’s not about egotism or self-absorption. In a strange way, it’s exactly the opposite; it's a force that will actually take you OUT OF YOURSELF and allow you to engage more fully with the world. Because often what keeps you from living your most creative and adventurous and expressive life IS your self-absorption (your self-doubt, your self-disgust, your self-judgment, your crushing sense of self-protection).

When I read that – the arrogance of being -  something that had stumped me for years clicked into place.  

 

Eons ago, back in 1973, my sister-in-law shared in a letter to Mom her utter & complete dislike of me.  Kerry apparently experienced me as “so rude, when she (me) comes into a room I want to leave it.”   

Not that I had a clue.  She never, by word or look, gave any indication of her animosity.  

It took almost 25 years for me to discover the depth of her feelings.  THAT was a shock & surprise.  But by the time I came across the letter, less than 10 years ago, knew it all too well.  But was still stumped about what so profoundly irked my s-i-l.  

Then, this past weekend, there was the explanation, tucked into the pages of Big Magic.  It was my natural arrogance of belonging, which was present even back in 1973, when I was a mere lass of 21.   

Yes, I can see how that natural, easy sense of belonging – in a family that had little sense of place for themselves & none for me – would be galling, felt as inexcusably rude.  To tweak something Liz writes – it wasn’t that I boasted, “I’m the greatest!” but that I merely said, “I exist.”

That's my answer to Jane, my shout-out to the world ~ my great saving grace, belonging to a family that could have ground me down into nothingness, was being blessed from birth with the arrogance of belonging, an inborn sense which always has, always will invite me to engage with the world, with those around me – including my family, to have a voice & vision of my own while always honoring the voice & vision of others. A beckoning to BE.

I stood standing because I was born the luckiest Lockhart.  Might not have felt a sense of place, but blessed with one of belonging. So blessed, so grateful!

“We feel safest when we go inside ourselves and find home.” 

~ Maya Angelou ~

Don't we WANT to be indispensable?

In response to my previous post, someone asked, "But don't we want to be indispensable at work & at home, with our friends & colleagues?"

Speaking only for myself - no.  I don't want John to ever feel that I am indispensable for his happy existence.  I don't want people with whom I work to ever feel that there would be an gapping hole if I suddenly became unavailable.  

The motto for older2elder is engage,  energize,  empower.  That's not just snappy alliteration - it's what's in my heart of hearts.  

It was a moment of IMMENSE personal satisfaction when my 80+ year old mother learned how to put on a parking brake.  Now, that might not sound like much to you, but for a woman who never learned how to drive & whose interest in the workings of an automobile had been poo-pooed for decades by those who thought her curiosity was just silly - well, it was huge.  If for some reason she was in the car & it started to move, she knew what to do.

That might seem like a strange example to use in explaining how we are supposed to live in such a way as to make ourselves unnecessary, but it's the best I have.  I didn't have to be in the car for Mom to feel safe.  If it rolled, she knew what to do.  

If I was suddenly unavailable to work with older clients, there are already regular activities in place that anyone else could roll out.  Wednesday night "Coloring with Sinatra," Saturday movie musical night, classic film festivals, in-home social events, descriptions of rambles & nifty restaurants.  If I guarded the inner workings of those like trade secrets instead of freely sharing, then it might make me more indispensable, but the goal of life isn't to be irreplaceable, to forge chains that bind.  It's to help loved ones, friends, colleagues, pleasant acquaintances, absolute strangers fluff up those wings & fly!

Do we want to be indispensable?  In my opinion, no.  We want to be empowering, uplifting & hopefully unforgettable.

Creating an indispensable commodity

Business people dream of creating an indispensable commodity, something that is fiercely needed & in precious short supply.  

All too often, many of the rest of us do, too.  Am intrigued to watch someone who, intentionally or not, is developing himself into an indispensable commodity for his family. 

Where once he was dealing with a fairly normal overload of demands on his time, energy, personal resources, for past year he's been taking - of his own free will, at his insistence - on new & heavy personal & professional responsibilities.  And the more he takes on, the more he flags away help, especially on the home front, where I could come in.  Except I'm repeatedly told, "No thank you - no need."  Which would be fine, if the need wasn't so clear.

Because the more professional demands he takes on, the greater his value goes up with his colleagues AND with his family, who find themselves in competition for his time, energies & - above all - attention.  Consciously or not, he's creating a double-win situation, where he's not simply needed & appreciated, but increasingly more wanted, more valued, more longingly sought by the child, the spouse, the parent at home. 

Intriguing to watch. And to wonder - how many families are hallmarked with a similar dynamic, with a spouse or parent, even a child or elderly loved one, developing an indispensable commodity.  Their one & only self.  

Will be pondering.

Credits:
marksamuel.com
giphy.com
hpumc.org

touched by Big Magic

For all that has been, Thanks. To all that shall be, YES.

A review in The Guardian is spot-on in noting it's fair to that Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear would probably never have stood a chance of being published had it not been for her mammoth best seller, Eat, Pray, Love. 

To which I say, "Amen & Hallelujah!"

The review is worth a read to experience someone who senses something is going on in the book, but hasn't a clue what it might be.  Does she get the huge truth she shares writing, "Gilbert doesn’t tell a very consistent story about herself.."  Again - amen & hallelujah, because only the rarest of the rare among us do! 

Read The Guardian review, then follow it up with one from The Washington Post which smiles more kindly on the book, written by a critic who has a glimmering of what's afoot.  And even she isn't able to explain Liz Gilbert's book without bringing in Cheryl Strayed's edgier, Wild.  

As for me, I had the same response to Big Magic & Brene Brown's Rising Strong - both feel like they were written for ME.  Small wonder that the two women are friends.  

Goose bumps over how often over the past two months, authors who have rearranged my life keep crossing paths with each other - Nancy Slonim Aronie, Lissa Rankin, Brene & Liz.  Big magic!

In giving the swirly twirly background to how she ended up writing her  historical novel, The Signature of All Things (sheez - who in this day & age writes a novel about a 19th century female botantist??), Liz explains all.  Great ideas are rooted in our everyday interests, so don't shrug them off.  

A sentence from The New York Times review of the novel pings my soul, as it perfectly captures my response to dipping into Big Magic  - "The narrative stretches but its center holds, thanks to the protagonist’s engaging credibility as a woman on good terms with her strengths and limitations."  

After reading Big Magic - over a few devoted days where John got used to seeing me comfy on the couch with book in hand & at least one cat snug by -  can appreciate how that describe my life arc - there have been times my own narrative has been seriously stretched, but my center held enough that I've finally come, in just this past week, mere days after finishing the book, to being a woman on good terms with my strengths & weaknesses.

Amen & Hallelujah!  



Credits:
vogue.com
huffingtonpost.com
thestar.com