"Resiliency is the ability to overcome challenges of all kinds–trauma,
tragedy, personal crises, plain ‘ole’ life problems–and bounce back
stronger, wiser, and more personally powerful." What is Resiliency & Why is it So Important?
Woke up this a.m. thinking about Molly Nece, an inexplicable force for good in my life in spite of the fact we've never met or even developed one of those "feel like we've always known each other" Facebook friendships. Which got me to thinking about how clearly I know what things make me happy & which make me feel blah. Being resilient is near the top of the list for making me happy.
Resiliency is all about the present moment. What am I doing NOW? It's all about using tools that work, adopting wise action attitudes. It's ALL about seeing, sifting & seizing!
And there's no getting discouraged, because it's always NOW. Which gets me to thinking about Amory, the most awesome cat (make that sentient being) in the Universe EVER! That wee small black kitty was just with us for a year. From what we could tell, he'd lived a hard life, but it didn't seem to leave any mark on his spirit. With Amory, every day was a new opportunity for wonderful. Whatever traumas & heartbreak was in his past, it was past - what did today, this moment hold? All that from a CAT? You'd have to have known that remarkable being. He embodied resiliency.
How remarkable to be in a place where I can see things more clearly through Amory's eyes, with a bit of Molly's sunshine attitude, and a joyful embracing of life-strengthening strategies. Where past experience, good bad & indifferent, becomes insight & lessons learned. And each day dawns with the promise of creativity, doing things that touch lives in whole & healthy ways, being the best version of ME possible within these 24 hours. Knowing what that means & living it.
Being resilient - stronger, wiser, more personally powerful.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
"A creativity line from The Great Molly Nece"
Just before awakening this a.m., the flash of an image zapped through my dreams - a Michaels' ad, boldly announcing "A creativity line from The Great Molly Nece!" Wow - such a vivid, gone-in-a-flash image just before opening my eyes.
NO idea where it came from, but a terrific way to wake up. And Michaels SHOULD develop a creativity line by Molly Nece, aka Molly Sunshine.
Molly & I have never met. Until recently, she lived within less than an hour's drive, but was never able to get to one of her events. Now, her sun shines down in Wilmington, NC (a great story in itself). But Molly is a true sister of Pennsylvania - she rec'd Bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Elementary Ed from Gettysburg College and a Master's from dear-to-my-heart West Chester University.
We've never met, but there's still some sort of connection between my self & her story. Make that "never-ending stories" - like sunshine, Molly is a fabulous force of nature, spreading warmth & light & (best of all) illumination.
Gee, I needed a little Molly this morning. Well, not needed so much as could really use a little sunshine at this point in time. As I wrote yesterday, life has its challenges & it's natural to want change immediately. If it did, wouldn't learn all there is from the lessons that precede competency & mastery!
Molly, I hardly know you. Grannie client commitments kept me from attending your Sunshine events - and who knew you'd be MOVING to North Carolina?! But just ordered The 5 P Philosophy - Mastering the Art of Dreaming Big and Shining Bright - should be here by Thursday! Alibris has a copy of Chasing Stars in the Sunshine, my next treasure. And I am practicing my best pirate ARRRRRRRGH!
Who knows - maybe a full line of creativity activities from The Great Molly Nece will soon be offered in Michaels. Am certain Molly's wonders will never cease!
"(Molly) resonates sheer brilliance from someone who has been coined an 'entrepreneur goddess' by Marilynn Russell on Molly’s 95.7 BEN FM Woman of the Week interview.
Her Molly Sunshine brand is a prime example of making the impossible, possible. With over 15 years of professional speaking experience, she’s been given the privilege to inspire people of all ages, from Pre-K to Baby Boomers, with the Miss Molly Sunshine children’s book series, her Chasing Stars in the Sunshine book, the Molly Sunshine Tour, and her group enterTRAINment for schools, religious groups, and organizations!
Molly is one to watch because she believes that, 'The sky is not the limit. It is only the beginning. Shoot for moon and play among the stars!' Shine on, Molly Sunshine!"
The Chester County Women's Journal
Every day should start with thoughts of Molly!
NO idea where it came from, but a terrific way to wake up. And Michaels SHOULD develop a creativity line by Molly Nece, aka Molly Sunshine.
Molly & I have never met. Until recently, she lived within less than an hour's drive, but was never able to get to one of her events. Now, her sun shines down in Wilmington, NC (a great story in itself). But Molly is a true sister of Pennsylvania - she rec'd Bachelor's degrees in Psychology and Elementary Ed from Gettysburg College and a Master's from dear-to-my-heart West Chester University.
We've never met, but there's still some sort of connection between my self & her story. Make that "never-ending stories" - like sunshine, Molly is a fabulous force of nature, spreading warmth & light & (best of all) illumination.
Gee, I needed a little Molly this morning. Well, not needed so much as could really use a little sunshine at this point in time. As I wrote yesterday, life has its challenges & it's natural to want change immediately. If it did, wouldn't learn all there is from the lessons that precede competency & mastery!
Molly, I hardly know you. Grannie client commitments kept me from attending your Sunshine events - and who knew you'd be MOVING to North Carolina?! But just ordered The 5 P Philosophy - Mastering the Art of Dreaming Big and Shining Bright - should be here by Thursday! Alibris has a copy of Chasing Stars in the Sunshine, my next treasure. And I am practicing my best pirate ARRRRRRRGH!
Who knows - maybe a full line of creativity activities from The Great Molly Nece will soon be offered in Michaels. Am certain Molly's wonders will never cease!
"(Molly) resonates sheer brilliance from someone who has been coined an 'entrepreneur goddess' by Marilynn Russell on Molly’s 95.7 BEN FM Woman of the Week interview.
Her Molly Sunshine brand is a prime example of making the impossible, possible. With over 15 years of professional speaking experience, she’s been given the privilege to inspire people of all ages, from Pre-K to Baby Boomers, with the Miss Molly Sunshine children’s book series, her Chasing Stars in the Sunshine book, the Molly Sunshine Tour, and her group enterTRAINment for schools, religious groups, and organizations!
Molly is one to watch because she believes that, 'The sky is not the limit. It is only the beginning. Shoot for moon and play among the stars!' Shine on, Molly Sunshine!"
The Chester County Women's Journal
Monday, September 15, 2014
"See, sift & seize" ~ rick warren ~
In a recent sermon, Rich Warren did a better job at describing the importance of not only seeing opportunities in front of us, but in recognizing which the interesting ones which catch our attention & the ones that truly seize our heart, are worthy of our focus & follow through.
“See, sift & seize” says so much to me. See the opportunities in from of me. Sift through them, setting aside the good for the great. Seize them & make them my own, teaming interest with determination, action & persistence.
Sifting is an often neglected step in the process. Being able to tell the difference between a truly good opportunity & one that is great. And, as Rick says, be prepared for unintended consequences.
I have dear friends who followed an opportunity that looked to many others like the lesser of two job offers. As it turned out, the choice did create a lot of challenges in their lives that never would have come up with the other job offer. Serious, difficult challenges. But they saw opportunity in adversity, sifted through their options, and seized the one that spoke most clearly to their hearts. Their lives changed, so did countless others in ways they never could have imagined when he first took the original job offer! Rather than experiencing the unintended as draining & dreadful, they worked what presented its self into something wonderful.
My
friends never lost their focus on their basic faith in themselves, in each
other, in their children & family.
That was & is, always & forever, the center pole of their
life. It wasn’t easy, the path they
took. It called on everyone to make
sacrifices, to keep their eye on the future, to work in each moment with the
hope & expectation of a more fulfilled future.
It's true, they seem to have a talent for discerning the great from the good. They've passed that awareness down to their children & inspired their friends to be more aware, always remembering that seems great to others might not to you,
that your great might not even seem good to them. Be able to see, sift & seize for your self.
Rick surprised me in pointing out that it is as right for opportunities to fit our
personal purpose & calling as it is to feel like it’s a call from God. “You need to be purpose driven not prophet,
pressure, priority or public-opinion driven."
Loved
his focus on timing – that opportunities come when we least expect them. We need to be prepared & ready to see
them, if when & how they do.
Just
this past week, I wrote a thank you to a young man who changed my life – a lot
of lives – when he was a senior in high school. As part of his senior project, he put
together a benefit concert that would have challenged almost every adult I
know. He was 18. Age had nothing to do with his effectiveness,
with his ability to reach out & recruit singers from a variety of colleges
who’d never heard of his school, but who came away from their experience with
new awareness & appreciation - of him, his high school & its sister college. Again – he was 18.
Then,
there’s me. Am at an age when most of my
classmates are looking toward retirement.
Some already are! Yet, here I am,
embarking on my most ambitious life work ever.
Tucked Rick’s words in my heart – “You could have the opportunity of
your life waiting for you next week. You
may be 20, 40, or 60 and God may have been holding it until now, but if you're
not ready, you may miss it. (God) can
put you overnight in a position that you never expected but you've just got to
be ready."
See,sift & seize – three words that I needed in my life right now. My thanks to Rick Warren for saying them out
loud, for sharing his experiences with foregoing the good for the great, for
his shout out that opportunities know no age limit when we are prepared to see
them, take the time to sift them & then make the effort to use the energies
that will fulfill them.
learning clarinet, all over again
Back in 6th grade, I wanted to play the clarinet. After being badgered for days, my parents gave in, signed me up for lessons & rented an instrument.
The lessons lasted maybe six weeks before I gave up in disgust & quit.
Yes, I wanted to play the clarinet. What I didn't want, hadn't counted on was having to LEARN how to play. Hadn't imagined how awful it would sound as I became familiar with the mouthpiece - & my sworn enemy, the reed - let alone proper breathwork & using the keys. It never entered my mind that it would be a struggle to learn just how to play the scales without sounding like a scalded cat.
If my parents had insisted that I master the scales before being allowed to drop the instrument, it would have been clear that mastery requires a lot more than desire, but that it will come, with persistent focus & action. I don't fault them - my whining to stop the torture, hearing my gosh awful practicing coming out of my bedroom, and the cost would be enough to make any typical parent cave.
But this is today, not 50 years ago. And the skill I committed to mastering is a better sense of order in my life, beginning with our home. Just like with the clarinet, learning how to hit the right notes in housekeeping is taking a lot longer than I envisioned. It feels like a personal failure, rather than the nature of realigning an entrenched life habit to a more whole & healthy place.
Just like I love listening to a well-played clarinet, a welcoming home delights my very heart. It would be so lovely if all that was needed was the desire to get past a lifetime of dreadful habits, let alone all the other gunk that piles up in my head pulling me away from making sense of it all. But the lessons aren't in the end result, but in the learning.
Do what my parents couldn't - keep at it. Don't get discouraged. Stay on task. Imagine what it will feel like to walk into every room & have it say, "Welcome." Do it for me. Do it for that clarinet, which never had the opportunity to be played correctly. Let an orderly, clean & welcoming 450 Pheasant Run be one of its greatest legacies!
The lessons lasted maybe six weeks before I gave up in disgust & quit.
Yes, I wanted to play the clarinet. What I didn't want, hadn't counted on was having to LEARN how to play. Hadn't imagined how awful it would sound as I became familiar with the mouthpiece - & my sworn enemy, the reed - let alone proper breathwork & using the keys. It never entered my mind that it would be a struggle to learn just how to play the scales without sounding like a scalded cat.
If my parents had insisted that I master the scales before being allowed to drop the instrument, it would have been clear that mastery requires a lot more than desire, but that it will come, with persistent focus & action. I don't fault them - my whining to stop the torture, hearing my gosh awful practicing coming out of my bedroom, and the cost would be enough to make any typical parent cave.
But this is today, not 50 years ago. And the skill I committed to mastering is a better sense of order in my life, beginning with our home. Just like with the clarinet, learning how to hit the right notes in housekeeping is taking a lot longer than I envisioned. It feels like a personal failure, rather than the nature of realigning an entrenched life habit to a more whole & healthy place.
Just like I love listening to a well-played clarinet, a welcoming home delights my very heart. It would be so lovely if all that was needed was the desire to get past a lifetime of dreadful habits, let alone all the other gunk that piles up in my head pulling me away from making sense of it all. But the lessons aren't in the end result, but in the learning.
Do what my parents couldn't - keep at it. Don't get discouraged. Stay on task. Imagine what it will feel like to walk into every room & have it say, "Welcome." Do it for me. Do it for that clarinet, which never had the opportunity to be played correctly. Let an orderly, clean & welcoming 450 Pheasant Run be one of its greatest legacies!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
accepting what is
As I wrote out the first stack of envelopes for the first batch of State of the Human #3, tagging up each generic letter with a personal thank you note, it struck me that there will be those who experience me more as a flagrantly flattering fake than as just gee whiz grateful.
Tough!
It took sixty years to get to this most precious place in my life, and am utterly unapologetic for being off-the-charts beholden for all the blessings, especially all the people, in my/our life.
Have never learned the art of modest moderate modulated thanks. Oh, the years I accepted that as my cross to bear, a major failing. And the fact is that people - a lot - ARE put off by gregariously grateful ways. While I long to be a calm Kanga, am pegged as utterly Tigger. I yearn for restraint & steady wisdom, but constantly blunder into something more pinging off the wall.
To all the people who might feel irked bothered bugged by my State of the Human #3, who might find me irritating at best or, at worst, an intrusive insincere panderer ~ get used to it. Keep an eye out for those envelopes from Deev & feel free to just toss it into the circular file. No harm, no foul.
Maybe I'll be more Kanga-ish in my next life. For now, will content myself with being the sort of person who cherishes deeply, appreciates muchly, thanks openly & often. A born Tigger!
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are marvelous chaps!
They're loaded with vim and vigor
They love to leap in your laps!
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
Tough!
It took sixty years to get to this most precious place in my life, and am utterly unapologetic for being off-the-charts beholden for all the blessings, especially all the people, in my/our life.
Have never learned the art of modest moderate modulated thanks. Oh, the years I accepted that as my cross to bear, a major failing. And the fact is that people - a lot - ARE put off by gregariously grateful ways. While I long to be a calm Kanga, am pegged as utterly Tigger. I yearn for restraint & steady wisdom, but constantly blunder into something more pinging off the wall.
To all the people who might feel irked bothered bugged by my State of the Human #3, who might find me irritating at best or, at worst, an intrusive insincere panderer ~ get used to it. Keep an eye out for those envelopes from Deev & feel free to just toss it into the circular file. No harm, no foul.
Maybe I'll be more Kanga-ish in my next life. For now, will content myself with being the sort of person who cherishes deeply, appreciates muchly, thanks openly & often. A born Tigger!
The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are marvelous chaps!
They're loaded with vim and vigor
They love to leap in your laps!
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
leave a legacy
Cannot remember how long ago I went to my first women's retreat at Tonche. Feels like it had to be at least 20 years ago. Feels like I was still working with Pete Boericke, at Prudential Healthcare. The only thing that I know for sure was that I bought the audio version of Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to listen to on the drive up to the mountains. Can remember that the first cassette tape started playing as I pulled out of the Barnes & Noble/Willow Grove parking lot and the last one finished just as I pulled into Danna's driveway up in the Catskills.
And in between, my life shifted.
Although I'd never read Dr. Covey's book, much of what he said as I wended my way across the Delaware, up through New Jersey, up to Kingston & finally Glenford, resounded in me as a long-time YES. But I'd never given much thought to the importance of leaving a legacy.
I know for certain sure that it's been many years I've spared a thought on the importance of legacies. Woke up in the wee small hours of this morning thinking about it - a lot. Started out last night, thinking about the often ignored importance to all of us - especially older people - to feel like we will leave some sort of legacy behind us when we're gone. Bits & pieces of what I first heard on that long-ago drive flitted through my head. What was the whole quote? Heaved myself out of bed & downstairs for an online search. And there it was:
Ah, yes. Except what stood out for me on first hearing that was NOT anything about leaving a legacy, but the spiritual need to have a sense of personal congruence. Smiling, as I remember the bells & whistles that seemed to ring though my head first hearing that! YES! It hit home because of knowing that I had no sense of personal congruence. That one sentence, perhaps more than any read before or since, set me on the path toward a better sense of alignment & wholeness.
Small wonder that what was shared about legacies sort of faded out into only a vague memory of something important I once heard. Or maybe it was something that couldn't be attended to UNTIL achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence.
In any case, here I am, pondering my own need to leave a legacy.
Which got me thinking about how many people leave a positive legacy within their families. That seems to be the place that most people leave their most vital legacy. They might be people of great importance, whose work will reverberate through the ages, but it's the legacy we leave with our loved ones that - in the end - we value above all others. Which got me thinking about my own funky reality of not having a family to leave a legacy, at least a positive one.
Until around 5:05 a.m. this morning, had never thought about the possibility of MY leaving a legacy behind me. My experience is the opposite of legacy leaving. None of my family remembers me doing anything of any value for any of them. That seems strange, even harsh, but it is true.
All my sister remembers is that I offered to do things for her, but that she always turned me down. And she completed her memory delete when she brushed away anything that might have been when she proclaimed, "the past is the past" - with no meaning, no value for her in the present. Does she still feel that way? Maybe not, but she's never told me otherwise.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - gone.
Peter was even more amazing. In his memory, as soon as he was able to leave home for college, he lived a totally separate life from mine. Mim at least acknowledges some sort of mutual past; to Peter, there was none.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - not just gone. Never happened.
And to my other brother - at least, to his wife - they all did their part for Mom every bit as well as I did mine. Couldn't fault what she said, even the first time I read it. She referenced roles, and in that she was spot on. In Mom's eyes & heart, the only part they had to play was to be present, at least in some way, in her life. Anything more they did was gravy.
Not exactly the sort of environment for legacy leaving, especially given the fact that John & I don't have children of our own. Guess it made sense that i never gave legacy leaving much thought.
Until now. Until 5:05 a.m. this morning. Because leaving a legacy is every bit as important as Dr. Covey described. And just because I don't have close family ties with my surviving siblings, don't have family of my own to influence & leave a lasting legacy of love & whatever else, doesn't bar the way to making a difference, to leaving a vital something for someone.
Maybe it wasn't possible to ponder the importance of legacy building until after achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence. In my birth family, there just wasn't a sense of any sort of congruence. Didn't discover until Mom's final weeks, that one of her deepest, more essential beliefs was a complete screw-up of a core teaching in our church - that a person's actions & intentions need to be in alignment.
Many's the time I heard ministers teach about the importance of our intentions being in agreement with our actions, that our actions had no meaning if not in alignment with our intentions. Somehow, Mom interpreted that as saying that our intentions were more important than our actions. Many a time, she'd tell me, "I hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying. And I'm going to do this (something completely opposite)." And it always made sense to her - she agreed with me; what did it matter what her actions were? She was baffled & hurt when I'd flip out at her & she'd say, in a genuinely wounded wail, "But I agreed with you!". To Mom, intention was everything; a piddly thing like action? Bah! God gave that secondary importance. She could never understand why I couldn't get it. Everyone else did. Of course they did - she kept doing what they wanted, while agreeing with me.
Not an environment conducive to any sort of congruence!
They are my family & helped form the person I was. But I married John.
And John is all about natural congruence.
What goes on in his internal life is consistent with what he says & does in his external one. It's not that John taught me how to be congruent, he simply modeled healthy behaviors that I could mirror. He never pushed; just showed a different way & left it for me to make changes, or not. I doubt he had a clue of how deeply he changed my life, how much he made it possible for me to develop a sense of personal integrity.
Building & leaving a legacy. In some ways, John & I are building a lasting legacy in our marriage. After 25 years together, we are happy, and that is a pretty darn good role model for a lot of people, of any age, to see. We have fun together, we connect. And we learn together & from each other.
If our marriage - it's light-hearted nature, deeply rooted caring, forever loving - is the only legacy I/we leave behind, that's okay with me.
But.... Dr. Covey was spot on - leaving a personal legacy is fundamental to human fulfillment, is part of "our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution."
Maybe we can't consciously set out to leave a specific legacy, maybe it just happens - or doesn't - because of how we live our life.
I'd like to leave a legacy of a more embracing expanding empowering elder culture, if only in my own neck of the woods, and will do everything I can to make that happen. Whether it turns out to be a lasting legacy or not, hopefully some good will come.
I'd like to leave a legacy of people who know how much I care about them. Might happen, might not. But living my life in a way that makes it possible will benefit me - and hopefully others - no matter what.
Maybe a reality of living with a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence & contribution simply makes it possible to leave behind that lasting legacy that touches the ages. Don't worry about leaving a legacy, just life a legacy-worthy life. As Dr. Covey would say, that's win-win all the way!
And in between, my life shifted.
Although I'd never read Dr. Covey's book, much of what he said as I wended my way across the Delaware, up through New Jersey, up to Kingston & finally Glenford, resounded in me as a long-time YES. But I'd never given much thought to the importance of leaving a legacy.
I know for certain sure that it's been many years I've spared a thought on the importance of legacies. Woke up in the wee small hours of this morning thinking about it - a lot. Started out last night, thinking about the often ignored importance to all of us - especially older people - to feel like we will leave some sort of legacy behind us when we're gone. Bits & pieces of what I first heard on that long-ago drive flitted through my head. What was the whole quote? Heaved myself out of bed & downstairs for an online search. And there it was:
“There are certain things that are fundamental to human fulfillment. The essence of these needs is captured in the phrase 'to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy'. The need to live is our physical need for such things as food, clothing, shelter, economical well-being, health. The need to love is our social need to relate to other people, to belong, to love and to be loved. The need to learn is our mental need to develop and to grow. And the need to leave a legacy is our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution.”
Ah, yes. Except what stood out for me on first hearing that was NOT anything about leaving a legacy, but the spiritual need to have a sense of personal congruence. Smiling, as I remember the bells & whistles that seemed to ring though my head first hearing that! YES! It hit home because of knowing that I had no sense of personal congruence. That one sentence, perhaps more than any read before or since, set me on the path toward a better sense of alignment & wholeness.
Small wonder that what was shared about legacies sort of faded out into only a vague memory of something important I once heard. Or maybe it was something that couldn't be attended to UNTIL achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence.
In any case, here I am, pondering my own need to leave a legacy.
Which got me thinking about how many people leave a positive legacy within their families. That seems to be the place that most people leave their most vital legacy. They might be people of great importance, whose work will reverberate through the ages, but it's the legacy we leave with our loved ones that - in the end - we value above all others. Which got me thinking about my own funky reality of not having a family to leave a legacy, at least a positive one.
Until around 5:05 a.m. this morning, had never thought about the possibility of MY leaving a legacy behind me. My experience is the opposite of legacy leaving. None of my family remembers me doing anything of any value for any of them. That seems strange, even harsh, but it is true.
All my sister remembers is that I offered to do things for her, but that she always turned me down. And she completed her memory delete when she brushed away anything that might have been when she proclaimed, "the past is the past" - with no meaning, no value for her in the present. Does she still feel that way? Maybe not, but she's never told me otherwise.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - gone.
Peter was even more amazing. In his memory, as soon as he was able to leave home for college, he lived a totally separate life from mine. Mim at least acknowledges some sort of mutual past; to Peter, there was none.
A lifetime of being there, doing things, being a loving supportive sibling - not just gone. Never happened.
And to my other brother - at least, to his wife - they all did their part for Mom every bit as well as I did mine. Couldn't fault what she said, even the first time I read it. She referenced roles, and in that she was spot on. In Mom's eyes & heart, the only part they had to play was to be present, at least in some way, in her life. Anything more they did was gravy.
Not exactly the sort of environment for legacy leaving, especially given the fact that John & I don't have children of our own. Guess it made sense that i never gave legacy leaving much thought.
Until now. Until 5:05 a.m. this morning. Because leaving a legacy is every bit as important as Dr. Covey described. And just because I don't have close family ties with my surviving siblings, don't have family of my own to influence & leave a lasting legacy of love & whatever else, doesn't bar the way to making a difference, to leaving a vital something for someone.
Maybe it wasn't possible to ponder the importance of legacy building until after achieving a healthier sense of personal congruence. In my birth family, there just wasn't a sense of any sort of congruence. Didn't discover until Mom's final weeks, that one of her deepest, more essential beliefs was a complete screw-up of a core teaching in our church - that a person's actions & intentions need to be in alignment.
Many's the time I heard ministers teach about the importance of our intentions being in agreement with our actions, that our actions had no meaning if not in alignment with our intentions. Somehow, Mom interpreted that as saying that our intentions were more important than our actions. Many a time, she'd tell me, "I hear what you're saying. I understand what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying. And I'm going to do this (something completely opposite)." And it always made sense to her - she agreed with me; what did it matter what her actions were? She was baffled & hurt when I'd flip out at her & she'd say, in a genuinely wounded wail, "But I agreed with you!". To Mom, intention was everything; a piddly thing like action? Bah! God gave that secondary importance. She could never understand why I couldn't get it. Everyone else did. Of course they did - she kept doing what they wanted, while agreeing with me.
Not an environment conducive to any sort of congruence!
They are my family & helped form the person I was. But I married John.
And John is all about natural congruence.
What goes on in his internal life is consistent with what he says & does in his external one. It's not that John taught me how to be congruent, he simply modeled healthy behaviors that I could mirror. He never pushed; just showed a different way & left it for me to make changes, or not. I doubt he had a clue of how deeply he changed my life, how much he made it possible for me to develop a sense of personal integrity.
Building & leaving a legacy. In some ways, John & I are building a lasting legacy in our marriage. After 25 years together, we are happy, and that is a pretty darn good role model for a lot of people, of any age, to see. We have fun together, we connect. And we learn together & from each other.
If our marriage - it's light-hearted nature, deeply rooted caring, forever loving - is the only legacy I/we leave behind, that's okay with me.
But.... Dr. Covey was spot on - leaving a personal legacy is fundamental to human fulfillment, is part of "our spiritual need to have a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence, and contribution."
Maybe we can't consciously set out to leave a specific legacy, maybe it just happens - or doesn't - because of how we live our life.
I'd like to leave a legacy of a more embracing expanding empowering elder culture, if only in my own neck of the woods, and will do everything I can to make that happen. Whether it turns out to be a lasting legacy or not, hopefully some good will come.
I'd like to leave a legacy of people who know how much I care about them. Might happen, might not. But living my life in a way that makes it possible will benefit me - and hopefully others - no matter what.
Maybe a reality of living with a sense of meaning, purpose, personal congruence & contribution simply makes it possible to leave behind that lasting legacy that touches the ages. Don't worry about leaving a legacy, just life a legacy-worthy life. As Dr. Covey would say, that's win-win all the way!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Gift of compassion
Not sure if my mother was more amazed or bugged by my ability to look at a situation from my perspective AND its opposite. Could argue my point, then turn around & argue my sister's (which was often very different). Alas, that didn't mean I was graced with an equally heightened sense of compassion toward my sis, just that I could understand & rattle off where she was coming from.
Took me countless risings & settings of the moon to get to a place of compassion for people who drive me batty. Had to first learn that I am not the arbiter of right & wrong, and that feeling tenderness & concern for others didn't make me weak, just aware. Aware that I am not the end all & be all, that there is no "other" - that's an illusion. We are all connected. There is no other, only us.
At the moment, am writing the thank you notes going out with our State of the Human update #3. What a remarkable feeling of connection, from such a simple action. Finding the just-right note card, taking the time to dash off just a few words, teaming it up with the generic update - feeling wrapped in a blanket of well-knit love.
My most important thank you is heads to the Great Spirit for getting through the gunk & junk & bumble-headed self-absorption. I could clear all the meddlesome, muddlesome stuff out of the way, but the actual grace of compassion - that was a gift from a far higher source. Thanks, thanks & more thanks for making my life lighter, livelier, sweeter.
Took me countless risings & settings of the moon to get to a place of compassion for people who drive me batty. Had to first learn that I am not the arbiter of right & wrong, and that feeling tenderness & concern for others didn't make me weak, just aware. Aware that I am not the end all & be all, that there is no "other" - that's an illusion. We are all connected. There is no other, only us.
At the moment, am writing the thank you notes going out with our State of the Human update #3. What a remarkable feeling of connection, from such a simple action. Finding the just-right note card, taking the time to dash off just a few words, teaming it up with the generic update - feeling wrapped in a blanket of well-knit love.
My most important thank you is heads to the Great Spirit for getting through the gunk & junk & bumble-headed self-absorption. I could clear all the meddlesome, muddlesome stuff out of the way, but the actual grace of compassion - that was a gift from a far higher source. Thanks, thanks & more thanks for making my life lighter, livelier, sweeter.
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