One of my grannie clients gets downcast every weekend, thinking about all the things happening back in her hometown, while she is stuck in a charming but a teensy bit distant "senior lifestyle" residence.
She's not thinking about couples heading out to dinner or country club dances, to a round of cocktail parties or the local night spot, to a sock hop or concert. She's wistful for community events that were the staple of her life, from her earliest years to fairly recent past:
- the Friday night suppers, put on by committees of community ladies, that drew virtually every adult, from high school freshman to great-grandparents;
- the song practice & doctrinal class that followed, attended by older community members, the high school & college students generally vanishing after dessert;
- yes, the cocktail parties that were a staple for many groups of friends, including my "ancient" mother & her equally elderly friends, before or after "Friday Supper;"
- the high school sporting events, where you cheered on your young relatives or children you'd known since before they were born
- the Saturday weddings, with their almost always open invitation - to both ceremony & celebration - to the entire community;
- the school dances, offering opportunities to see old friends & dance with your best guy or gal;
- the free concerts by the community orchestra;
- the ultra special events at the home of a spectacularly wealthy & generous couple - the free concerts, the spring dance, the wedding receptions of their children & grandchildren;
- the weekly summertime suppers at the aptly named "Civic & Social" Club, with more committees of community ladies putting on yum suppers & the annual mega popular smorgasbord, followed by a travelogue by Gosta B. or a special presentation of general interest.
THAT's what she thinks is happening back in her little boro, while she is stuck where she is. It's virtually impossible for her to grasp that those days are long gone.
Oh, my little boro still thinks of itself as the tight little community that all of those shared events - all low or no cost - produced, but as far as I can tell, it's basically just coasting along, fueled by reputation rather than present-day reality. Sounds harsh, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
Too many of the events that are remembered with great affection, even by people who didn't experience them first hand, are long gone.
- There aren't enough stay-at-home Moms & older women to put together one community supper, let alone all the different crews of women whipped up all those tasty meals. Friday Supper, song practice & class are things of far distant memory, vanished with the committees of women who once welcomed the weekly opportunities to hire sitters & head out for an afternoon of cooking with a wide range of other ladies, gabbing with old friends & getting to know new ones while prepping veggies & setting out cooking trays of chicken. Ditto club suppers.
- Legions of babysitters no longer fan out across the community, guaranteed of making good moola on the nights that parents headed out for what passed for some of them as their weekly date night - all those families who got to know their baby sitters as older siblings, pseudo aunties & the rare uncle.
- People attend church without a clue what the songs are going to be, let alone having a clue about what the sermon might be on. (The quality of congregational singing - especially the more complex hymns - is a shadow of its former glory.)
- Cocktail parties have gone the way of the dodo bird. Some say "good riddance," since they did lead to the occasional abuse, but I remember Mom & her fabulous circle of elderly friends having the most light-hearted & friend-centered (not alcohol-fueled) parties, with Grandma R. leading off the celebrations with her merrily given toast, "Here's to the church - all else is bosh!"
- High school athletes are virtually unrecognizable, most of the stars recruited from other schools' rather than local student-athletes; kids who came to school from across the country or around the world have to wonder if they'll have a crack at winning a starting position on today's varsity teams.
- School dances haven't been welcoming to the older set - my grannie client's generation & even mine - for decades, no longer beckon alums of all ages. The Junior-Senior Dance is held at a local country club, not the meticulously decorated school gym. What passes for the alumni dance is aimed strictly at current high school students, not the alums, with loud music & virtually nowhere to gather in small groups of much-missed friends catching up. And the club dances? Distant memories.
- With a beautiful - limited capacity - special events venue now available within walking distance of the church, the rare wedding reception is open to the entire community, although there is the solace of being able to watch it online, live streamed from the church.
- Our orchestra's performances are semi-professional in quality, but the cost for a couple to attend puts them outside of our current funds.
- House concerts are a delightful development over the past years, but are typically limited - by practical consideration - to a circle of friends, while the last in-home spring dance took place many decades ago.
- A personal favorite event is a totally tasty soup supper & house concert put on by the college & offering all the best qualities of what's made my hometown a true community. Caveat - space is limited to fifty & tickets are (gulp!) $35. Worth every penny, but $70 a couple is outside a lot of family budgets.
- Praise be, the Christmas concert still draws us together.
Things change. I am sure that my grannie client's parents missed certain events that once drew all of us together. But looking around, it's hard to see anything that serves the same purpose of providing a shared community social life. While church services are split between multiple venues, there are still things that help develop common bonds. School plays & special events still draw capacity crowds. Be Well Bakery & Cafe serves as a gathering spot for many community members, the place for cozy meetings & tagging up with friends. Bryn Athyn Bounty provides a special place for all ages to gather every Saturday morning, from May through mid-October. People still love stopping by the post office, picking up mail & greeting friends. For the most part, though, we tend to coast along on a reputation for openly shared community that stopped being the norm decades ago.
My worry is that the time will come when reputation will not be enough to make up for the lack of current day connection. I once heard that Fidelia de Charms believed that our shared social events were the backbone of our community, which is the backbone of our church. That seems pretty spot on, to me.
I do not, like my grannie client, grieve for what was lost. Things change, but they don't necessarily evolve. Somethings just cease to be. We were once a community that offered social & cultural events that even folks with barely two nickels to rub together could attend.
Looking around, there are still events that needn't cost a penny. Bryn Athyn Bounty offers good friends & wonderful live music. A group of young adults invites everyone to a weekly bring-your-own picnic supper in boro park. A couple invites all their Facebook friends - including mere acquaintances, like the two of us - to Fire Pit Friday.
Using those as a best practices start, what are other ways we can craft moments that bring us together? They are out there.
Way, way back in the day, every Labor Day featured Soap Box Derby races down the long long road that skirts along the bottom of Church Hill. Cars of all stripes & styles hurled themselves down the step road while a crowd of family & friends cheered them on. They made coasting work. But even they could only take it so far before their racers slowed to a stop or crashed.
Merely coasting is not enough. How to fire up our social engines? Ah, that's the rev... I mean rub!
