Newsie post from Peter!

Actually, a posting from Whitney that he sent onto me.  Explains why she & Chad moved their family out of the USA, to Australia.  Interesting read, learning the background behind their move.

At first, I felt exhilarated - Peter contacted me!  Then, it sank in.  There are two, maybe three, times Peter has connected with me in the past.  1) if he had something to share about Whitney (strangely, never Reynolds - just Whitney, and later Campbell).  2) In December, his birthday & Christmas, when I guess the absence of family, even a semblance of family, is felt most keenly.  A letter about Whitney & Campbell (hooray - with a brief mention of Piper!), arriving December 1?  Yep, spot on.

Sounding sceptical about intentions?  Experience, longtime experience.  And I know he's totally unaware of it.  To him, it is genuine outreach.  To me, am all too aware that once the birthday is past & the holidays are over, the connection would vanish.  Not even cautious anymore  - just the sure knowledge it's not what it appears, not what my heart would love for it to be.  I've seen his eyes, felt his energies & know there's no there there when it comes to me being real to him.  

What feels wonderful is not soaring into a euphoria of "Wow!  He's reaching out!  Let's get together and (fill in with any one of a number of ecstatic hopes for relationship building)!" nor did I sink into the sorry quagmire of  beating myself over the head with Peter just being Peter.  


later...

Been a couple hours since reading Peter's letter.   

Still amazed at Peter's consistency.   Nary a whiff of personal comment - a posting from Whitney, a letter to him from Campbell.  His only comments were to buttress - in case I was too slow on the uptake to get it - how brilliant they both are, how gifted & amazing.  They both are - and I get it all by my little lonesome, without him having to qualify that she is mega smart (she referred to turning to God when she & Chad needed guidance), as is Campbell (yes, Peter, I did get that she was doing ADVANCED math problems - she called them that - not remedial).  

Reminds me of when I graduated from eighth grade.  That summer, Mom & Dad & I visited Peter out in Bloomington, IN.  The four of us went out to dinner with the totally WOW on every level Ann Crabtree.  I ordered filet mignon for dinner - and asked the waiter for ketchup.  Peter visibly blanched & made some jesting yet slighting comment.  I just looked at him in disbelief - "Peter, I ordered it for my french fries," to which the awesome Ann said, "Oh, I always have it with mine, too.  Can I snag a couple of yours?"  On the spot, I fell in love with that remarkable woman (from everything I hear, she still is) & realized that Peter pegged me on the same level as Walter Cunningham, who horrifed Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird by pouring syrup all over his meal.  "Walter poured syrup on his vegetables and meat with a generous hand. He would probably have poured it into his milk glass had I not asked what the sam hill he was doing."   

When Peter asked what the sam hill I was doing, asking for ketchup, my knowledge of his distain for his baby sister was underscored reinforced cemented.  At least I was left under no delusions.  Still not.  He is Peter.  Accept & love him as he is, not as I longed for him to be.   

John & close friends have known for years - long before Mom died, even before John came into my life - that I was under no misapprehension about Peter's feelings toward me.  He had none.  He gives me value when I can BE of value to him.  No value to him, then there's no ME.  Like today's letter.  Early December, nothing of personal connection.   


My heart says, "Stop by on his 12/15 birthday, bring take-out from Golden Dragon (his beloved chicken szechzuan), bake Mom's Double Chocolate Cake ~ ~ but experience says, "Be happy for what you received, let it be what it is  & don't overstep."   

In other words, remember the words from West Side Story:

Boy, boy, crazy boy!
Stay loose, boy!
Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy.
Just play it cool, boy,
Real cool!